Social networking has made this verb – befriend – a phenomenon. However, in the social media sense we call it “friending” or “friended” or some other incorrect grammatical phrase. (I’m not even going to touch the term “de-friend”!)
Befriend:
to make a friend
to become friendly with
to help or aid
What is a friend?
I’m a little sad that social networking has diluted the word “friend”. I think there’s a big difference between being friendly – and being a friend. Perhaps befriending someone starts the process of becoming a friend …
What qualities would you look for in a friend – what qualities would you be willing to live and give?
loyalty
kindness
optimism
?
I have a hunch our definition has shifted as time progressed and our life changed.
What about your husband or wife?
Have you asked your spouse to define “friend” ?
It’s not enough to understand your definition of a friend.
Have you ever asked your spouse to explain what friendship – being a friend – means to him or her? A collection of friends may or may not reflect your wife or husband’s true definition of a friend. I imagine some friends fulfill some attributes…
Can we be friends with our spouse?
I refer to Robert as my friend – my best friend. We began as friends at 15 & 17 and in some ways we’ve grown up together. Our friendship has definitely changed since we were teenagers. And yet aspects have remained the same: we still love to talk to each other, we still love to laugh together, we still love to explore together.
Friendship enhances the bond of love between a husband and wife. It’s multifaceted and fluid. It’s valuable. In their book, Real Marriage, Grace & Mark Driscoll have written an entire chapter on friendship as it relates to marriage. They say at the beginning of the chapter:
All the talk about spending time, and doing life together, making memories, being a good listener, growing old and taking care of each other, being honest, having the long view of things, repenting and forgiving can be summed up in one word–friendship.
… we read all or part of 187 books on marriage… not one of those books had one chapter or major section of a chapter on marital friendship…
Are you a friend to your spouse?
‘Amicu certus in re incerta cernitur’
A friend in need, is a friend indeed. (or in deed).
Part of the definition of “befriend” is to help and to give aid.
If you are your spouse’s friend, you will notice how they are feeling. You’ll take note of what they say and do and how they react. You’ll pay attention. A faithful friend is emotionally invested.
Friendship is an integral part of a truly Christian marriage and a safeguard against emotional adultery.
~ Grace & Mark Driscoll
Emotional Fidelity – is that a part of your definition of ‘friend’?
I enjoyed the book Real Marriage, but my favorite chapter was the one on friendship. It had substance to explore. The Driscolls used the letters of FRIEND as an illustration of married friendship:
F – fruitful
R – reciprocal
I – intimate
E – enjoyable
N – needed
D – devoted
I’d recommend the book for the 23 pages from the chapter ‘Friend with Benefits’ alone!
Encouraging a Friend
How do you encourage someone? First befriend them.
Be a friend.
Have you befriended your spouse? Maybe you need to start over…
Do a little digging to find out what you believe a friend is – and then discover what your spouse feels about friendship. (Maybe it’s changed since you were first married?)
Many couples created a plan to celebrate – did you?
These couples planned a dinner – either at a restaurant or at home. They planned to purchase gifts and cards and flowers. I also imagine they planned on adding other lovely “couple” things to their evenings…
OK. Well, it’s February 15th. What now?
Whether your Valentines’ celebration was stellar, or fizzled, you’re still married. You still woke beside the same person.
What’s the plan?
You’ve got another 364 days till the next “love” focused holiday… what’s your plan? Do you have one? What about a plan for your marriage?
“Love is a Decision”
At the beginning of this book, Gary Smalley talks about a couple who is in trouble – they don’t have a plan for their marriage and it’s way, way, way off track.
He suggests couples create a plan for their marriage.
This plan should be grounded in God’s love and based on Scripture. It should be simple. He goes so far as to comment that we might avoid our family’s version of a marriage plan, and stick with a God-directed plan.
In the 14 chapters of this book, Gary Smalley & John Trent talk about the value and worth of a man and woman, meaningful conversation, courtship in marriage, energizing your mate, and much more. The final chapter is “The Source of Lasting Love”. (by the way, the couple at the beginning of the book – they make it, and are still married 14 years later!)
Creating a plan for your marriage means you’re in it – to win it!
You’ve decided to love your spouse.
Show your spouse you love him or her – and have a plan to show that love – you’ll both be encouraged!
Imagine a book filled with letters – from a husband to his wife.
In these letters, spanning the course of about 50 years – 1952-2002 – he tells her how much he loves her and talks about how her love makes him feel:
…Your gift to me is uninsurable. No appraiser can put a value on it… It’s like fruit of the month or a lifetime subscription – a perpetual-motion happiness machine. It starts off fresh and brand new every day, shining up my whole world…
This man eventually was diagnosed with Alzheimers, and died in 2004. His wife still lives in California.
As I’m reading this book – all these beautiful, touching, funny letters – I’m so thankful to his wife for sharing. It’s a beautiful tribute to a man others may only see as a political figure.
I see them as husband and wife.
Encouraging each other. Loving each other. Living life together. Leading a meaningful life – together. Raising children. Making an impact on the world – together.
Would you like to meet this husband?
He is the husband of Nancy. His name is Ronald.
Ronald Reagan – 40th President of the United States of America
Here are a few more quotes from the book:
But what is really important is that having fulfilled our responsibilities to our offspring we haven’t been careless with the treasure that is ours – namely what we are to each other.
I’m looking at you as you lie here beside me on this fifteenth anniversary and wondering why everyone has only just discovered you are the First Lady. You’ve been the First – in fact the only – to me for fifteen years.
get to know that your spouse is “your cup of tea”?
get to know what to say to your spouse?
get to know how to feel free and easy with your spouse?
become “bright & breezy” with your spouse?
You learn new things about your spouse!
Here are 3 ways to learn more about your spouse – they’re especially effective if you do them together!
Getting to Know Your Spouse with Strengths Finder 2.0
I wrote about how Robert and I took this assessment here. What got me started thinking about this topic is a blog post Michael Hyatt wrote this morning. He focuses on using the book Strengths Finder 2.0 in your career, but I believe it’s valuable to do this with your spouse and even your (grown) kids.
We’ve all done this assessment in our family, and it’s fantastic to be able to discuss and highlight where we’re using our strengths. It gives you something positive to focus on – something to encourage each other to do – and celebrate when using your strengths creates a “win”!
Using Myers-Briggs to Know Your Spouse
This assessment was created by a mother/daughter team. It’s often used in a work environment, however I’ve found it to be fascinating to view in a husband/wife context and also parent/child role when you’re getting to know your spouse.
There are books based on this assessment – I read them when I was homeschooling our kids so I could teach/facilitate to their personality type.
You can find more about the different styles here. (my Myers-Briggs type is INFP) There are many online free tests, but of course, finding a qualified person to administer the assessement is ideal.
Values
Do you know your values? Do you share the same values with your spouse? When you know the values you and your spouse share, it’s easier getting to know your spouse and to make decisions.
Robert and I have identified 3 differentiating values we share: loyalty, optimism, & discovery. Whenever we’re in a situation where a decision is needed to be made (to do something – or not to do something), we map the issue against our values. If there’s a good fit, we move forward.
If you’d like to do a value assessment with your spouse check out our digital workbook on Discovering Your Values as a couple.
Bottom Line?
It’s easier to encourage your spouse – when you KNOW them!
Have you completed any of these assessments? Do you have suggestions for other techniques? What has your experience been? I’d love to know!
We can help you get to know your spouse!
Rob and I are certified facilitators with the Prepare/Enrich program – there’s an online survey to get to know your spouse in a deeper way, and then we work with couples to delve into the assessment to look at strength areas and opportunity areas… OR you could try the Biblical DISC assessment OR Values!
Where does prayer start? When are you prompted to pray?
Do you pray for your husband or wife?
Or do you just think about it…
I’ve been reading a book on prayer and the church – “The Prayer Saturated Church” by Cheryl Sacks. There’s nothing (much) about praying on a personal level – it’s all about setting up a prayer ministry within a church setting. But I came across a phrase on page 160 that got me thinking:
All intercession is prayer, but not all prayer is intercession. Prayer is talking with God. Intercession is petitioning God for the needs of another.
The writer goes on to talk about examples in the Bible of people who prayed for cities and nations, and because of their prayers, history changed.
What needs to change in your marriage?
Our houses look different right now – we’re in the Christmas season. Decorations and frou-frous and bright, sparkling do-dads abound. But once Christmas is over, and we take down the decorations, NOTHING has changed. We’re back to what’s always been there.
Similarly, we can use date-nights, and presents, kisses and hand-holding, cruises and compliments to decorate our marriage. Are these things valuable, enjoyable and relationship-enhancing? Absolutely! But what (often) happens when they’re completed?
The relationship remains the same, because the people in the marriage are the same. Only growth causes true change.
If you want growth –
Start with prayer for your spouse.
Be an intercessor.
Pray for the needs of your spouse.
But be clear – being an intercessor isn’t about you.
At the end of this post I’m going to give you some suggestions for books and links to resources about praying for your husband or wife. If you read through the suggestions you’ll think – “oh great stuff – if only…”.
If read in the wrong focus, you’ll translate the ideas into “If I pray this – then I’ll get that.” It’s not about you! This is where you have to really identify your intention: Are you praying for your needs to be met – or to help your spouse? Is the change or growth you’re praying for to help you …
Intercession is petitioning God for the needs of another.
What is “for” your spouse – what is “for” you… it doesn’t have to be murky or undefinable. Obviously, whatever growth comes into your spouse’s life will affect you.
Think about becoming Christ-like. This is the focus.
Imagine if both of you – husband & wife – were moving towards becoming Christ-like… wouldn’t that effect the future?
Here are some suggestions to learn more about praying for your wife or husband:
Will Davis Jr. ‘s book: Pray Big for Your Marriage – there are separate sections on how to pray for your husband/wife – chapters 7 & 8. It also has a 31-day prayer guide.
Paul David Tripp’s book: What Did You Expect?? – Chapter 16 – talks about the transforming power of prayer. (Thanks Debi & Tom Walters – this is a favorite book at The Romantic Vineyard!)
an internet resource that corresponds with the book “How to Pray for your Wife” by Mark A. Weathers
an internet resource about praying for 31 days for your husband by Nancy Leigh DeMoss
Please – leave a comment…
Do you have favorite resources about praying for your spouse?
ps. If your spouse’s Love Language is words of affirmation – perhaps hearing you pray for her/him would be a valuable gift…
Have you asked your spouse to define “friend” ?All the talk about spending time, and doing life together, making memories, being a good listener, growing old and taking care of each other, being honest, having the long view of things, repenting and forgiving can be summed up in one word–friendship.
He is the husband of Nancy. His name is Ronald.
We’ve all done this assessment in our family, and it’s fantastic to be able to discuss and highlight where we’re using our strengths. It gives you something positive to focus on – something to encourage each other to do – and celebrate when using your strengths creates a “win”!
Robert and I have identified 3 differentiating values we share: loyalty, optimism, & discovery. Whenever we’re in a situation where a decision is needed to be made (to do something – or not to do something), we map the issue against our values. If there’s a good fit, we move forward.
Our houses look different right now – we’re in the Christmas season. Decorations and frou-frous and bright, sparkling do-dads abound. But once Christmas is over, and we take down the decorations, NOTHING has changed. We’re back to what’s always been there.
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