Oct 19, 2012
There are 840 hours from the writing of this blog post till Thanksgiving Day in the United States.
(35 days – about 5 weeks)
Because our family heritage is Canadian, and we grew up celebrating Thanksgiving in October, the USA Thanksgiving weekend sneaks up on Robert and me, and before we know it – it’s over!
Then comes Christmas.
To combat the feeling of ‘missing’ Thanksgiving – and to focus on taking time to give thanks – I decided to do a study with the book, Choosing Gratitude: Your Journey to Joy by Nancy Leigh DeMoss. A few of us from church are going through this book together.
One of the first quotes she has in the book is from a British pastor, John Henry Jowett. It threw me for a loop already on the 23rd page.
“Every virtue divorced from thankfulness is maimed and limps along the spiritual road.”
Just think on this for a moment …
If we’re not operating from a place of thanksgiving, then all the fruits of the spirit – love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control – are difficult to experience and put into action.
Pause for a moment – really think about it…
- how effective is your ability to love your spouse if you can’t be thankful for anything about him/her?
- how much joy can you be filled with, if there’s nothing around you that you appreciate?
- how can you hold onto peace without being thankful for Jesus’ sacrifice?
You get the idea.
In the book, Nancy Leigh Moss highlights & expands on 8 reasons to choose gratitude:
- Gratitude is a matter of obedience to God.
- Gratitude draws us close to God.
- Gratitude is a sure path to peace.
- Gratitude is a gauge of the heart.
- Gratitude is the will of God.
- Gratitude is an evidence of being filled with the spirit.
- Gratitude reflects Jesus’ heart.
- Gratitude gets us ready for heaven.
Those of us studying this book are finding it a challenge. (And it’s a challenge we didn’t expect.)
We’re writing down 5 things we are thankful for every day, and working through the 30 day devotional that’s included at the back of the book. By delving into what truly being thankful means – including being thankful in difficult times such as the loss of a loved one – our hearts are being affected.
Some of the action items in the devotional are:
- recording spiritual blessings – not just “things”
- list those people who have blessed your life in some way – the person who introduced you to Jesus, teachers, friends, leaders – and write them a note to tell them how their actions blessed you
- ask God if there are any ways you’ve become blinded to His grace
- be aware of how you are modeling thankfulness – when was the last time you told your children/grandchildren that you’re thankful God has put them in your lives?
- be aware of your whining… how has this affected your mindset and relationships?
The author, Nancy Leigh Moss, challenges the readers to make a change.
Not an attitudinal change – but rather a “gratitudinal” change!
How would it change your Thanksgiving weekend if, for the next 30 days, you focused and took action on creating an atmosphere of gratitude in your marriage? Would your spouse fall over in shock if your “whines” were replaced with giving thanks?
Would an attitude of thanksgiving – of appreciation – of noticing all the blessings God has placed in your life – add to your Thanksgiving Day?
Give it some thought.
Make Thanksgiving more than a day…
If you’re game to accept the challenge, go ahead and order the book. If finances are a concern, I urge you to go to Revive Our Hearts website, and download the free 30-day Growing in Gratitude Challenge PDF.
What do you think?
Are you up for the CHALLENGE?
Aug 8, 2012
Mission. Vision. Action – when and where will you begin a plan for your marriage?
Going Away to Plan
The year Robert and I were married 25 years, we went away for a week on a retreat. What would the next 25 years hold? What would our mission be? We didn’t have a specific book or a plan to follow, just a grouping of ideas and instruction from various places. We looked back at our 25 years of marriage – and then looked forward to and created a plan. It would have been very useful if we’d had this book (or the others listed below) – at that time.
Book Review:
Mountaintop of Marriage: A Vision Retreat Guidebook
The Mountaintop of Marriage: A vision retreat guidebook for couples. by Jimmy & Karen Evans
Where there is no vision, the people perish…
~ Proverbs 29:18 KJV
Preparation for the Mission and Vision
This book is really a workbook – and the first part is about how to prepare for your retreat. We all can spend hours pouring over guidebooks, cruise-ship books, travel magazines and websites when we plan a vacation – this preparation for a vision-creating retreat is just as enjoyable and important.
They encourage you to plan for: prayer, Bible study, journaling, fun, romance, communication, and worship.
The Retreat
During the retreat, the workbook gives pages with questions to prompt thought and discussion, then it has spaces to write down:
- a broader vision for your marriage
- goals, plans & vision
- a 12-month vision calendar
- developing an overall marriage & family vision statement
- an encouragement to follow through, track progress & victories
The authors suggest doing this planning every year to stay on track.
When two people are together in any endeavor in life, it is only possible for them to remain unified and productive if they both share the same vision and purpose. Therefore, it is of paramount importance that every couple hoping to succeed take the time and energy to get God’s vision for their marriage.”
~ Jimmy Evans
This is not a textbook – there’s not a lot of written content. It’s short – only 37 pages. It’s meant for the couple to write their thoughts down and plan ahead. I really appreciate the questions that are asked to create conversation – there is great value in good questions!
My final thoughts on this book:
I can imagine Robert and me working through this book. We’re always looking for new tools to hone our understanding of the direction God wants us to take. However, it probably wouldn’t be the only tool we’d use.
It’s never too early – or too late – to pray for, ask for and search for a vision for your future as a couple.
Do you have a mission or vision plan for you & your spouse?
Here are links to a few other resources:
A Vision Retreat Guidebook for Couples – Jimmy & Karen Evans workbook for a retreat – It’s actually called “The Mountaintop of Marriage”, but I like the subtitle better! This is now available as an ebook at an OK price, but the printed version doesn’t appear to be available except as a used book. (and the printed version is a bit pricey in my opinion.)
Discover your Differentiating Values as a Couple – A workbook/resource to understand how your shared values as husband and wife can shape your decisions and ultimately your life. We chose our 3 differentiating values as a couple: optimism, loyalty & discovery. We find we use our top values as a decision-making tool in many areas and it’s been a great help.
Creating a Mission Statement – Online – Franklin Covey’s online resource for creating a mission statement for yourself, your family (no actual ‘couple’ reference, but it would be appropriate to do with husband and wife), or team. I spent a morning going through the online version for a personal mission statement. At the very least, give this a try and see what happens. It’s free & simple to try.
– It’s a funny, comprehensive plan to create a get-away to grow.
Vision, Mission, and Action benefit your family!
You might believe that you and your spouse are the only ones who can benefit from a time away and a plan for the future. However, your family, friends, and community also will grow because of your proactive way of living! Be a good example!
Jun 19, 2012
For the last month or so a book has been sitting beside my computer – The Meaning of Marriage by Timothy Keller with Kathy Keller. This husband and wife team have been married for over 36 years – working as a pastor and wife first in Virginia, and since 1989 in New York City, USA.
What drew me to this book will probably surprise you. I first read about this book because Timothy Keller did something unique with his congregation of over 80% singles. In the spring of 1991 he taught a series of nine sermons on the topic of marriage.
Why teach a church, mostly filled with singles, about marriage?
He noticed an interesting phenomenon happening in his congregants. Many of them had moved to New York City – the Big Apple – from other parts of the USA where the culture is much more traditional.
They brought their “You aren’t a whole person until you’re married.” mentality with them and it clashed with the Big City “Wait till you’ve made it big, and then find the perfect person to make you happy.” rhetoric.
He preached those nine sermons – from which most of this book grew – to give his church filled with 80% singles a “balanced, informed view of marriage”.
He felt that without this balance, singles either over-desire or under-desire marriage. He says that sometimes singles hold marriage up as an idol and that can carry through into a married life, leaving them feeling empty because their spouse and ‘ideal’ marriage can’t hold up to the image. The other side of the equation is an attitude of fear which causes singles to avoid marriage.
His solution to this imbalance is for singles to first create a relationship with God. We all – married and single – need to know God, to know Christ, first. His other suggestions for singles is to recognize there are seasons not to seek marriage, and to understand the ‘gift of singleness’.
Timothy and Kathy Keller address the modern culture myths about marriage:
- romance is the most important part of a successful marriage
- your spouse is there to help you realize your potential
- everyone has a soul mate
- starting over after divorce is the best solution to impossible marriage issues
- marriage means merely for now
Throughout the eight chapters, they use the Bible as a guide to show how God created marriage to bring us closer to Him. The SubTitle of the book is: Facing the Complexities of Commitment with the Wisdom of God.
I really enjoyed the details and perspective in this book. My favorite chapter (at this time, anyway) is “The Mission of Marriage” where they talk about friendship – Christian friendship – and your spouse as your best friend.
In this view of marriage, each person says to the other, “I see all your flaws, imperfections, weaknesses, dependencies. But underneath them all I see growing the person God wants you to be.” This is radically different from the search for “compatibility.” As we have seen, researchers have discovered that this term means we are looking for a partner who accepts us just as we are. This is the very opposite of that.
Robert and I have been married since we were 19 & 21. We met at 15 & 17. It feels like I’ve always been with him, and sometimes it’s difficult to put myself into the space in which singles or newly married couples live.
This book opened a relevant perspective for me to explore and then have conversations with those who waited to be married, perhaps carrying some of these myths into their marriage.
If you’ve read this book, I’d love your perspective!
Or if you have other books you enjoyed that explore moving from singleness to marriage in this modern age, I’d love to know!
May 9, 2012
I’m working through one of Robert’s leadership courses from John Maxwell – Everyone Communicates, Few Connect. (Robert is a Leadership Coach with John Maxwell) This book/course explores the concept that effective leaders do more than just communicate a message – they connect and thereby are more likely to add value to people.
John Maxwell talks about the 4 barriers between communication & connecting. Listening to him speak, I couldn’t help but translate 3 of these to marriage and encouragement…
The 3 areas are a little uncomfortable, and I imagine we wouldn’t want to own any of these barriers.
However.
(being candid here)
“Ouch”!
What’s stopping us from encouraging our spouse?
1. Immaturity –
The inability to see and act on behalf of others, behaving as a toddler would enter his/her world – grasping and reacting to everything as though we’re the ‘star’ in the story.
Maturity is the ability to see and act on the behalf of others.
John completes this thought in the book by stating that “Maturity doesn’t always come with age; sometimes age comes alone.”
It doesn’t matter how old we are – it matters how mature we act. Maturity is a choice. It’s the ability to look beyond our own needs, identify what’s needed for the best of everyone, and then take action. Pro-activity for the good of our spouse is a sign of maturity.
Encouragement is about our spouse – not us.
2. Failure to Value –
…the person beside us.
If you’ve been married for a while it’s easy to just accept the value your spouse provides. Then perhaps you begin to expect or ignore the value your spouse adds in your life.
How can you show you value your spouse?
Gary Chapman’s 5 Love Languages is a great tool. Yes, it’s to speak to our spouse using their “language” – but it’s also an active way to demonstrate how very much we value our husband or wife.
After returning home from 2 days away, Robert used my love language, Words of Affirmation, to tell me how much he appreciated me. I felt valued. The result of feeling valued was that I could really hear his words of encouragement. My job now is to spend Quality Time with Robert so he feels valued by me, thereby we can do more than just communicate by continuing to connect.
To add value to others, one must first value others.
If we value our spouse, it’ll be easy to identify ways to encourage her or him. Start a list – make note. Pay attention.
I imagine we’ll discover lots we’ve been overlooking …
Encouragement adds value to the person you love.
3. Insecurity.
Being insecure causes the unfortunate cycle of needing approval to feel good, not receiving approval or acknowledgement, and then feeling inadequate. How can we encourage our spouse if we’re feeling inadequate? (see #1)
By acting out of the security and assurance of God’s love and grace, we won’t need our spouse’s (or anyone’s) approval to feel good about ourselves. God’s love and grace are enough to provide the strength to make the hard choices – to take the high road.
Our security needs to be in Jesus’ sacrifice. Not in our spouse (or anyone else).
So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live your lives in him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness.
Colossians 2:6,7
Maturity – Acknowledged Value – Security
Imagine the difference in our marriage relationship with our spouse if we could knock down the barriers of immaturity, lack of value, and insecurity! How’s it goin’ for you?
Apr 27, 2012
I love to learn. Well – if I’m being candid, then I’d say I love to learn in certain areas. Relationships, marriage, encouragement, writing, history, and other sundries. (math, economics and finance are not one of these topics – I’m being candid here, after all.)
So, I’m constantly and consistently drawn to places that cause my brain to stretch.
When it comes to the topic of writing, one of my favorite spots to “stretch” is found at a blog called Goinswriter.com. It’s written by Jeff Goins, and he is a writer.
He shares his insights, tips, and resources for those who want to write. (Here I am writing, so I guess that’s me!) Since I’ve discovered Jeff – he signs his emails with “Jeff” so I think I can refer to him with his first name, and not a stuffy and stodgy “Mr. Goins” – I’ve worked through a few of his resources, read his Manifesto, and a few other books he’s recommended. I’ll just sum it up. He’s one of my trusted resources.
Today I’ve completed reading his newest eBook: You Are a Writer: So Start Acting Like One
The premise? The last sentence is key: “Remember: You are a writer. You just need to write.” Of course that’s simplistic, but aren’t all truths simple?
He begins the ebook with words of encouragement, a bit about his story, and more affirmation. I love feeling encouraged, don’t you? He set me up to be ready to hear the practical stuff.
He says things like:
Passion is contagious. If you treat people like human beings and write from a place that is deep and true, you will find your audience.
My favorite practical stuff included: Building a Platform, Establishing a Brand, and Channels of Connection. In these three chapters, Jeff Goins spells out how these three areas could be covered. I found myself nodding in agreement – a lot! (and realizing where I need to improve)
Throughout the book, Jeff is very clear about one thing: writing is hard work. You must persevere. And a writer – writes. Perhaps not well at the beginning, but as time passes and the person learns, the writing develops a unique ‘voice’.
Toward the end of the book there was a statement that made an impact on me:
Every milestone affords a new vantage point. You realize how much there is left to explore. The trick here is to learn to be content with the journey, because you never fully arrive. However, the true masters of the craft are those who never grow complacent. They’re never fully satisfied; they’re always pushing themselves a little further.
Hmmm. Push myself. Be content with the journey. I think I can do that…
Do you write? You are a writer!
If you’d like some encouragement on how to view yourself as a writer, along with the practical, solid strategy, take the time to read Jeff Goins’ book, You Are a Writer: So Start Acting Like One.
It’s easy to read. It’s easy to understand. But like all good things, writing is never easy to do. I’ll finish with another encouraging word from Jeff,
You don’t need to take a giant leap. You just need to take the next step.
All reviews are my candid opinion. I don’t receive any compensation (financial or otherwise) for a review. A review copy was provided by the author.
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