Social networking has made this verb – befriend – a phenomenon. However, in the social media sense we call it “friending” or “friended” or some other incorrect grammatical phrase. (I’m not even going to touch the term “de-friend”!)
Befriend:
to make a friend
to become friendly with
to help or aid
What is a friend?
I’m a little sad that social networking has diluted the word “friend”. I think there’s a big difference between being friendly – and being a friend. Perhaps befriending someone starts the process of becoming a friend …
What qualities would you look for in a friend – what qualities would you be willing to live and give?
loyalty
kindness
optimism
?
I have a hunch our definition has shifted as time progressed and our life changed.
What about your husband or wife?
Have you asked your spouse to define “friend” ?
It’s not enough to understand your definition of a friend.
Have you ever asked your spouse to explain what friendship – being a friend – means to him or her? A collection of friends may or may not reflect your wife or husband’s true definition of a friend. I imagine some friends fulfill some attributes…
Can we be friends with our spouse?
I refer to Robert as my friend – my best friend. We began as friends at 15 & 17 and in some ways we’ve grown up together. Our friendship has definitely changed since we were teenagers. And yet aspects have remained the same: we still love to talk to each other, we still love to laugh together, we still love to explore together.
Friendship enhances the bond of love between a husband and wife. It’s multifaceted and fluid. It’s valuable. In their book, Real Marriage, Grace & Mark Driscoll have written an entire chapter on friendship as it relates to marriage. They say at the beginning of the chapter:
All the talk about spending time, and doing life together, making memories, being a good listener, growing old and taking care of each other, being honest, having the long view of things, repenting and forgiving can be summed up in one word–friendship.
… we read all or part of 187 books on marriage… not one of those books had one chapter or major section of a chapter on marital friendship…
Are you a friend to your spouse?
‘Amicu certus in re incerta cernitur’
A friend in need, is a friend indeed. (or in deed).
Part of the definition of “befriend” is to help and to give aid.
If you are your spouse’s friend, you will notice how they are feeling. You’ll take note of what they say and do and how they react. You’ll pay attention. A faithful friend is emotionally invested.
Friendship is an integral part of a truly Christian marriage and a safeguard against emotional adultery.
~ Grace & Mark Driscoll
Emotional Fidelity – is that a part of your definition of ‘friend’?
I enjoyed the book Real Marriage, but my favorite chapter was the one on friendship. It had substance to explore. The Driscolls used the letters of FRIEND as an illustration of married friendship:
F – fruitful
R – reciprocal
I – intimate
E – enjoyable
N – needed
D – devoted
I’d recommend the book for the 23 pages from the chapter ‘Friend with Benefits’ alone!
Encouraging a Friend
How do you encourage someone? First befriend them.
Be a friend.
Have you befriended your spouse? Maybe you need to start over…
Do a little digging to find out what you believe a friend is – and then discover what your spouse feels about friendship. (Maybe it’s changed since you were first married?)
As a spouse, we influence the direction of our marriage.
Do you take responsibility for your influence?
It’s not enough to just drift through your married life. It’s not enough to shrug off the sound of your marriage ship scraping against the rocks. You are culpable. You have influence over direction. It’s not enough to just go along for the ride – to be in the passenger seat and ignore the signs.
On the opposite side…
It’s too much if you’re using your influence to manipulate direction. It’s too much if you’re ignoring God’s directing – the Gospel call on your marriage. It’s too much if you’ve placed your “self” ahead of the marriage – there’s no room for “only me” in a “one flesh” marriage. (Genesis 2:24)
In which direction are you steering?
Steer: guide – pursue
Christ died so we don’t have to wallow in our sin.
Drown in our sin.
Die in sin.
Let the The Gospel – the Good News – steer your direction…
…that Christ died for our sins according to the Scriptures,
that he was buried,
that he was raised on the third day according to the Scriptures…
~ 1Corinthians 15:3,4 (NIV)
GUIDE Forward with Forgiveness
And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.
Mark 11:25
First forgive. Don’t hold stuff against your spouse – let it go. It’s done. Put up a “no fishing” sign over past grievances. Refuse to go there. It’s a dangerous place…
Your spouse will feel encouraged and free to move forward, if you’re not holding her/him back by always bringing up the past. (God doesn’t hold us back – He wipes away our sins – there’s nothing left but His Grace.) Steer in the direction of forgiveness.
PURSUE Peace.
Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace.
~ Ephesians 6:14,15
Use peace as a way to steer your marriage. Strive for peace in your relationship. If you have peace with your spouse you’ll be ready for the rough waters, you’ll be prepared for the rapids, you’ll be steady through the currents.
Peace = Harmony
In music, harmony is the pleasing notes matched with a melody. Harmony enhances and enriches the music. Is your relationship harmonious? Do you make a joyful noise to the Lord – together? Steer in the direction of peace.
Pray for DIRECTION.
You’re forgiving your spouse.
You’re actively seeking peace in your relationship.
Now, how are you leading a meaningful life?
What has God called you and your spouse to do?
Ask. He’ll make it clear in His time.
Start by praising Him. Continue giving thanks for all His blessings.
I don’t know about you – but this is NOT a word I use most days. Or any day. Sometimes I read it in a Biblical context, but I don’t think I’ve ever used it when describing my relationship with my spouse.
And yet.
When I look at the real meaning of the word “to edify”:
build up – establish – strengthen
I’m convinced it’s a valuable word.
Therefore comfort each other and edify one another, just as you also are doing.
~ 1 Thessalonians 5:11 New King James Version
Here is the word used in the New King James Version where Paul is writing to the Thessalonians.
And here it is – same verse, different translation:
Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.
~ 1 Thessalonians 5:11 New International Version
I kept going back and forth to all the different translations (using BibleGateway) to see how this verse would read.
Build up.
Strengthen.
Help.
Build each other up.
Give each other strength.
Make each other strong.
Wouldn’t it be great if we could do this for our wife or husband?
How can you edify your spouse?
Here are 5 suggestions:
Talk about the future in a positive way. Use the past as an illustration. Focus on all the ways God has helped you both to carry on – to move forward – to prosper. Your God is bigger than your problems. God’s strength is there to give you hope and make your future good. (Jeremiah 29:11)
Trust God. And live that way. It’s not enough to talk about having faith. Adopt the Nike motto: Just do it. Strengthen your spouse with the way you live your faith – the way you immerse yourself in God’s Word – the way you’re consistent in seeking fellowship with other Christ followers. Ponder Acts 2:42 – and behave that way. Then invite your spouse to join you.
Love your spouse – even when you don’t feel like it. Feelings are fleeting, they come and they go. Decide to love your spouse and act in a way that shows love. Start with kindness and work forward. Tell your spouse, “I love you.” and then list the ways. Review 1Corinthians 13 if you need context.
Ask God to bless your spouse. Work through a 31-day challenge to pray for your spouse in specific ways, a different way each day. Be creative. Pray differently – try a journal, or meeting with a group of like-minded believers to pray for your spouses. Ask. Seek. Knock. (Matthew 7:7,8) Pray without ceasing. (1Thessalonians 5:17) Invite your spouse to pray with you – let him or her hear you pray in specific, concrete ways for her/him – not just once, but continually.
Add your strength in a practical way. When was the last time you did something for your spouse? A cup of tea (or sweet-tea if you live in the South) at an opportune moment can make a difference. (or a favorite anything) Your willing attitude can create a dent in the impossible. Sometimes words are cheap, and taking action turns the tide. (Proverbs 3:27) If there’s something that is in your power to do – just do it!
Remember that old commercial? It talks about relieving negative consequences.
Has your spouse ever experienced negative consequences? Talking about the action that brought on the negative consequence isn’t helpful until the pain is managed. People in pain don’t think or plan clearly.
When your spouse is in pain – physical, emotional or spiritual – how do you react?
If you choose to encourage, focus on what will relieve the pain.
Relieve: to ease
Ease up on your spouse. Shelve your requests. For now.
Give comfort and calm. Create a physical environment of ease.
Let go. Let go of your desire to blame or shame your spouse and give them emotional space to recover. Prayer helps.
Relief is about freedom – freedom from pain, burdens, obligations, and fear.
Oh, if it were only as easy as two tablets in water to provide relief! Sometimes you can’t “do” anything to relieve your spouse from their pain, burdens, or fears. Perhaps all the relief options are in their power to create. Your task then is to: Do No Harm.
~ Ephesians 6:14,15
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