Jul 17, 2016
Quietness, stillness, calm… do these qualities have a place in your life together as husband and wife? Or are you wheeling around, with your head spinning and your days so full you’re tired even when you open your eyes in the morning?
Do you make time to be quiet – time to let your body rest, and your mind slow down?
Many of us would benefit from a bit of Quietness in our life.
Quietness – absence of sound or disturbance; calm, stillness or serenity
How do you go about introducing some quiet time into your marriage?
Rest. Regularily.
Even God rested. The Almighty Creator of everything rested… wouldn’t it be good to take a day to rest?
“By the seventh day God completed His work which He had done, and He rested on the seventh day from all His work which He had done.” Genesis 2:2
What would a restful day look like to you and your spouse? Have you ever talked about it? (Now’s a good time to bring up the subject!) Might a day filled with quietness include…
- a good book
- the sounds of nature (no electronics)
- letting your eyes close as they willed
- smiles and laughter with loved ones
- some walking, or biking, or hiking
- delicious, natural food
- prayer and meditation
- the sight of the sky
What else would you include in your quiet, calm, serene and restful day?
Be kind to your senses.
Sight, sound, smell, touch, taste. In our first-world atmosphere our senses are bombarded, and it’s poisoning us.
- Our eyes are on screens most of the day… everyday. (television, computer, phones, etc.) Turn them off! Stare at a flower, at the sunset, into your beauitful wife’s eyes. Add some calm and quiet into what your eyes behold.
- Our ears are tortured by the sound of our messy world. Traffic, air-conditioners, even music. Do you ever step into a room and turn everything off? No music. No television. No “bing” from your phone’s texts. Just quietness. Try it. It might feel shocking at first.
- And our poor noses. As long as they’re clear and we can breathe with ease, we ignore them. It’s going to sound stupid… but… when was the last time you stopped to smell a rose? (A real rose – not the one that comes from an air-freshener.) What about the smell of a cinnamon bun warm from the oven? Or, when was the last time you took a huge wiff of your morning coffee? Just a quiet, calm sniff…
- What have you enjoyed touching lately? We have this huge expanse of skin with receptors, and we don’t really concentrate on how much joy it can give us. The coolness of clean sheets. The softness of your wife’s cheek; the bristles of your husband’s beard. The flow of warm water over your hands. The tickle of grass under your feet. So many wonderful experiences can calm us if we embrace a quiet concentration. Be still. Touch your spouse with one finger. Enjoy exploring – quietly. Together.
- Taste. Sweet, salty, tangy, sour, spicy and robust… Stop shoveling down your food. Quietly taste each bite. Savor.
What a gift we’ve been given as humans with our senses. Use them well.
Practice Solitude
Practicing solutitude might sound counter-intuitive. How can you enrich your marriage, if you deliberately look for time alone? Solitude is the act of being alone, without feeling lonely. It’s a choice.
The benefits of solitude include:
Couldn’t you be a better spouse if you both took time in quietness for a bit of solitude? When the well is dry, there’s not much to give your spouse… In the Lead Like Jesus Encounter, there’s a beautiful exercise which teaches participants how to practice solitude. When Robert facilitates an Encounter, everyone who goes through this exercise is blown away.
And the beauty of being a husband and wife is that you can encourage and support each other to take time for solitude.
Quietness is in rare supply.
The Value of Quietness isn’t one you’ll see often in husband and wife relationships… unless those couples deliberately cultivate it. But it’s possible.
Does this Value appeal to you?
Jul 16, 2016
Playfulness is a trait more likely to be attached to teenagers (or even children) than to a husband and wife married for a few decades. And yet. The Value of Playfulness might just be the way to renew your relationship, to add some spark, or even a touch of gentleness. Playfulness is about the the fun in life – it’s about enjoying each other. It’s the warmth of sharing a slow and steady amusement. It’s shared smiles.
Imagine if a doctor would prescribe you a dose of Playfulness…
Playfulness – full of fun and high spirits; a disposition that creates amusement
Imagine a few playful ways to make your spouse smile!
1. Tell her or him a joke. (Reader’s Digest is a great resource.)
2. Sing your wife or husband the song, “You are my sunshine.” – leave it on their voicemail.
3. Draw a picture of the two of you kissing (even if it’s stick figures with labels) as an IOU. Leave it under his/her toothbrush.
4. Make her/him hot chocolate with a spritz of whipped cream. Put some whipped cream on your upper lip & serve it.
5. Find an old photo of the two of you & post it on Facebook with the caption, “She/He makes me smile.”
6. Make her/him a crown from tin foil. Label it “Queen”/”King” of my heart. Present it with a bow/curtsy.
7. Wear a T-Shirt that expresses your positive feelings about being married.
8. Tie a red paper heart onto her/his shoe laces, with the note, “You’ve tied up my heart.”
9. Give him/her a banana with the words, “I’m bananas for you!” written on the peel.
10. Put post-it notes on your pillow cases, “Sleeping Beauty” and “Prince Charming”.
Sure – life isn’t always easy. There’s work to be done. And yet. You can still be playful as you work…
Ways to Be Playful Even if the Work Needs to be Done
- Play energetic music. The most mundane work can be fun with the right music playing! Wear headphones if it’s not appropriate for the environment you’re working in – just start the music at the same time as your spouse, and you’ll be movin’ and boppin’ on the same beat!
- Dress the part. Yes – I’m serious! Cleaning is much more fun if you put a bandana around your head, roll up your shirt sleeves and play the part. Dance with the broom as you sweep… (You get the idea, right?)
- Use a board game as a marker of getting things done. Think of Snakes and Ladders – every time you get part of the work done (you’ve already determined the way-points), then you get a chance to roll the dice and move your piece. If the game isn’t done before the work is done, then you get to finish the game as part of the fun!
- Take photos – use funny expressions – kiss! and smile! It’s been proven that smiling changes mood.
- Listen to comedians. (Or tell your own jokes.) SiriusXM Satellite Radio has comedy channel options. Try the library to see which CDs they have of your favorite comedians. (Sometimes you can request that the library purchase some, if they don’t have what you’re looking for.) Or invest in some of your own CDs – or digital downloads. There are lots available in whatever fashion you and your spouse find funny. (Rob and I like Bill Engval.)
Remember when you were first married…
When you were first dating – or those first few months of marriage might have looked different than today… I imagine you did things you may not be doing today…
Why not consider:
- phoning during the day – just to hear his/her voice
- reaching out to hold their hand
- a soft kiss in passing
- seeing a wildflower/weed and picking it for her/him
- cleaning up because that’s the way she/he likes it
- offering him/her a drink when you get one for yourself
- touching her/his shoulder, or forearm, while driving
- looking into his/her eyes, because you want to see how he/she is feeling
- greeting her/him with a hug when they return
- buying some great smelling perfume/after shave because you want to get up close & personal
- an admiring glance
- turning the station to the music he/she likes
- making or buying something sweet because it’ll bring a smile
- kissing – lots of kissing, little kisses, deep kisses, smacking kisses, light kisses
- a playful and unexpected tease to anticipate being alone together
- saying thank you with your heart in your eyes
- asking for what you’d like in the sweetest way
- acquiescing (“as you wish“)
- playing together
- defending his/her behavior
- take a day trip together – just go right, then go left – roll a dice
- exploring something new together in your city – there’s more than you’d think!
- going out with friends… together, as a couple
- talk – long, exploratory, dreamy, imagining talks
- laughing, teasing, tickling, playful chasing
- being thankful you met
Playfulness can be a fun Value to renew your marriage!
Try a few of these ideas… smile together… have fun working together… play together.
I’m putting these posts – “A to Z” Values – all under the FAMILY portion of this site. Why? Every one of these Values words will be a blessing to each spouse – but more than that… they’ll benefit your whole family!
Imagine if you add some playfulness to your relationship with your spouse – what kind of impact will that have on your family? On your children? I’m guessing that your children and family will only benefit as they watch the two of you standing together – playing and having fun, despite the inherent seriousness of life.
This is part of an Instagram challenge for July 2016 – A to Z and a few numbers… ( check out our Instagram account) and it’s become a series of Values posts! The posts in this series can be found on the PAGE – 27 Values to Enrich your Marriage (BTW – If you’re reading this post before the end of July 2016, then the page isn’t complete… I’m still writing! 😉 )
Jul 15, 2016
Optimism – The concept of the word optimism is found in the Latin word “optimum” meaning best. Those who are optimistic expect the best possible outcome from a situation. It’s about looking forward.
Optimism – a general disposition to expect the best in all things.
Psychologists have spent years studying optimism to determine whether optimism is an inheritable trait, or a trait which shows up because of environment. And as in many areas, social scientists can’t decide conclusively for one theory or the other. (If you’re interested, a book I’ve enjoyed addressing this area of being born an optimist/pessimist is called “Breaking Murphy’s Law” by Suzanne C. Segerstrom. She adds humor to the dryness of social science.)
But don’t worry. Whether you believe you’re an optimist or not, as Christians we can look at optimism with an added view – one of hope. (Read more about HOPE in marriage here.)
A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity;
an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.
– Winston Churchill
An Optimist believes/thinks:
- there are always options – you merely need to find them
- being optimistic will help the process of bouncing back from adversity
- you will have the opportunity to use the options available
- being happy grows from the inside… what’s outside doesn’t determine happiness
- being optimistic will lessen the feelings of stress
- encouraging someone else doesn’t take away from your own acheivement
- using positive language and gestures are a worthwhile contribution
- thankfulness is possible in every circumstance
- optimism can exist in direct proportion with God-grounded (and honoring) confidence
Why can I make these statements? It’s because…
Being Optimistic is one of our differentiating Values
I’ve talked about how we have chosen three Values as sign posts – or rumble strips – to help in making decisions, and to be a check and balance as husband and wife. They’re rank ordered. The first is
Loyalty. The second is Optimism. The third is
Discovery. Every couple will have different Values – our three Values will not fit your marriage, in the same way the three Values you would choose wouldn’t fit us. When we’ve done workshops with couples on how to discover their Differentiating Values, there has never been two couples who have the same three Values. Ever.
Here’s what optimism looks like in our marriage:
Optimism is the theme of our life. Looking for good in all circumstances might be a challenge, but we’re still determined to pursue optimism. Being positive in the face of negativity is fun. (Especially if it annoys those pessimists we come across – and, if you’re wondering, realists are pessimists just called a different name!)
When a decision in word or deed is necessary, we work to be optimistic regardless of the price. Not all of life is positive. (I’m sure that doesn’t come as a surprise to you, does it?) Some stuff that happens can be really lousy and decisions from these lousy situations are a grouping of highly priced options – there’s no clear winner. Regardless of the price which comes from the decision we make – we will frame it in our hearts, words, and memories in a positive light. Even if the only positive we can find is deciding we learned something. (That connects to one of our three personal differentiating Values – Discovery.)
I’m sure there are those who find our deliberate optimism disingenuous. Or annoying. But it’s a Value-choice we’ve made for our life and we strive to live it. Choosing to be optimistic has brought us much joy, even in the face of what others would name as disaster.
And finally, we glorify God by being optimistic. How? We seek to be positive in our interactions with others. It’s important to us to always speak the truth in love, and not spread any negativity. We serve a God of HOPE – we feel we don’t have any motivation to dwell in negativity because we are constantly experiencing how much God loves us.
Yes – regardless of how filled with mistakes and how many times we blunder through where we should know better, God love us. All of us. You, me, and every person on this planet has God’s love within grasp. Our creative, loving, omnicient, and omnipresent God has a universal will to save us all – to gather us all together to be with Him.
What would the Value of Optimism look like in your marriage?
I’m putting these posts – “A to Z” Values – all under the FAMILY portion of this site. Why? Every one of these Values words will be a blessing to each spouse – but more than that… they’ll benefit your whole family!
Imagine if you are motivated add Optimism to your relationship with your spouse – what kind of impact will that have on your family? On your children? I’m guessing that your children and family will only benefit as they watch the two of you standing together – looking with hope to the future.
This is part of an Instagram challenge for July 2016 – A to Z and a few numbers… ( check out our Instagram account) and it’s become a series of Values posts! The posts in this series can be found on the PAGE – 27 Values to Enrich your Marriage (BTW – If you’re reading this post before the end of July 2016, then the page isn’t complete… I’m still writing! 😉 )
Jul 14, 2016
Neatness. Who would choose neatness as a Value in Marriage? Well, my husband, Robert would. 🙂 But he has an interesting perspective about this Value in marriage… And he’s uniquely qualified to write about it. So here’s his post on the Value of Neatness in Marriage.
Does Your Need for Neatness Help or Hinder Your Marriage?
Ok, now I can feel all the “neat freaks” getting restless. Bear with me….
Let’s take a look at the real issue here.
Do you feel there is a right way and a wrong way to put away and store things?
Or
Do you feel there is a better way to manage everyday life at home?
The first one is about control. The second is about caring.
If you wish your spouse would change their habits (to fit your lifestyle), it has nothing to do with neatness. It has everything to do with you.
But if your true wish is to make life better for both you and your spouse – without overhauling your spouse’s habits – then neatness might be a useful ally.
Neatness means clean or organized; showing care in execution.
- It’s clean (enough) if the person who plans to use it is happy with it.
- It’s organized (enough) if the person who needs it can quickly and easily find it.
Now maybe you feel the need to clean something so you feel better. Maybe you need to organize a closet, the kitchen, or garage to make you feel more in control. That’s perfectly fine. Have at it. Go to town. Make yourself happy.
Just remember, you are doing it for yourself, not your spouse. It’s your problem, not theirs. It’s to make you feel better, and no one else.
So…. if you are a self-proclaimed neat freak, don’t use your need for neatness as a weapon against your spouse. Use it to help your marriage, not hinder it.
If you are wondering who is the neat freak in our home, it’s me. Thankfully, Lori bears with me when I go on a neatness binge. She knows it’s not about her. I’m doing it to make myself feel better. Then when I’m all done I can go back to being normal again.
A word from Lori…
When we were first dating, my father took Rob to look at my room. I was a 17 year old with a bedroom where you couldn’t see the floor. Rob looked around, and he says that he knew at that moment that I’d never be neat. And he was OK with that. We got married a few years later. Over the last 32 years I’ve gotten somewhat more neat, but it will never be my strength. Rob has always taken the lead in this area. And he has NEVER made me feel like I’ve disappointed him. He’s cheerfully and willingly stepped in to make our environment neat. Now that we live in 282 square feet neatness is especially important! The key is to know your strengths… in marriage sometimes it’s important to let the spouse with the strength take the responsibility… And you just support them. 😉
I’m putting these posts – “A to Z” Values – all under the FAMILY portion of this site. Why? Every one of these Values words will be a blessing to each spouse – but more than that… they’ll benefit your whole family!
Imagine if you are motivated to work on and for your marriage – what kind of impact will that have on your family? On your children? I’m guessing that your children and family will only benefit as they watch the two of you standing together – using your strengths.
This post began as an Instagram challenge for July 2016 – A to Z and a few numbers… ( check out our Instagram account) and grew into a series of Values posts!
The posts in this series can be found on the PAGE – 27 Values to Enrich your Marriage
Jul 13, 2016
Motivation to make things better, to be more, to grow your relationship as husband and wife… do you and your spouse have a reason for action when it comes to your marriage? What is the Value of Motivation?
Motivation – an incentive or reason for action.
Too often real life gets in the way of making your relationship a priority. The kids need new shoes. The car isn’t starting properly. Your company is downsizing and your job is in jeopardy. Your spouse’s parent has cancer. The roof is leaking. The driveway needs resurfacing. You are tired. (You get the scene, right?)
Where is the motivation to make more of your marriage?
Real life is filled with distractions. Even if they’re worthy distractions, you still need to focus and be motivated to take action in your relationship.
Here are 3 incentives/reasons to take action in your marriage:
1st Incentive for Taking Action in your Marriage:Two is more than one. If you have a solid relationship with your spouse – if you’ve put more into your marriage than you’ve taken out – you’re able to meet adversity as an integrated force. That’s powerful. Put the work in now, and you will have the strength to tackle whatever life throws at you.
2nd Incentive for Taking Action in your Marriage: Your children are watching. Actually, many more people are watching than you believe. If you have a solid and growing marriage as husband and wife, you’re modeling a healthy relationship. And your healthy relationship will make others feel secure. We fully underestimate the comfort of being surrounded by couples who are happy together. Spending time with people who are in healthy relationships can change perspectives and bring hope. Put the work into your marriage, and that will be you two – bringing hope to others!
3rd Incentive for Taking Action in your Marriage: You made a vow. It might only be a few years ago – it might be decades – regardless… You vowed before God, your friends and family, that you would put this person first. This wife. This husband. Does your vow still have value? Pull out those wedding photos and take a trip down memory lane. Remind yourself of how much you longed for a life together. Remind yourself that you’ve already put a lot of effort into this life together. You won’t loose out if you take action now – rather you’ll be building on a sacred vow. It’s a solid foundation. You’ll be honoring your vow.
What other motivation do you have?
I’m sure there are more motives for taking action to grow your marriage!
Stop procrastinting. Don’t wait for a better time. It’s not necessary to have more money in the bank. Take action even if the kids are still in school. Never mind what excuse comes to mind… Your relationship needs your attention now! Life will never be perfect, and there will never be “more time”. Find your own motivation to make your marriage more – better – greater!
It’s not just you and your spouse who benefit from a healthy and strong relationship… your kids win, your family wins, your friends win. Everybody can be encourage by you and your spouse.
Your future depends on what you do today.
I’m putting these posts – “A to Z” Values – all under the FAMILY portion of this site. Why? Every one of these Values words will bless your spouse. And more than that… these Values will benefit your whole family!
Imagine being motivated to work on and for your marriage… What kind of impact will that have on your family and on your children? I’m guessing your children and family will only benefit as they watch the two of you standing together – with a healthy relationship!
This post began as an Instagram challenge for July 2016 – A to Z and a few numbers… ( check out our Instagram account) and grew into a series of Values posts!
Find the posts in this series on this PAGE – 27 Values to Enrich your Marriage
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