Hello – this is Lori. Today is a special day for me for 2 reasons.
The first, is that I get to share my friends Peter & Donna with you. We’ve been friends as couples since before Robert & I were married, have experienced the joys of raising children and homeschooling, and blessings of life in ministry, the pain of being separated by many miles and the laughter that only close friends can share. If I had a brother or sister, Peter & Donna would be it!
The second, is that you can hear from Peter and his perspective on encouraging someone who is battling a frustrating illness. Peter is my first guest-blogger on Encourage Your Spouse.
So. Here’s Peter:
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Lori asked me to contribute to her blog.
So here it is…my wife Donna, suffers from depression.
Wow, there’s a load off my chest.
How do I cope with her illness as a supportive spouse?
That’s a good question – I give and get help.
What does help mean to me? ·
- Hope
- Encouragement
- Love
- Prayer
Hope
I hope everyday that something will change or improve for Donna – even the littlest things are celebrated.
But putting my hope and trust only in doctors, is short-sighted on my part.
My hope is in the fact that God knows the future, He lives in the present, and He offers hope to the hopeless. Knowing He is with us gives me strength! I remind Donna of that often…which leads me to…
Encouragement
This one is sometimes tough to do on a daily basis. I try to offer thoughts and actions of encouragement to Donna. Sometimes I fall short and add no value to her. Other times, the value I add is just to be there for her. The value I give is to listen when she wants to share her thoughts. I can’t solve the problem – that I know. But I can certainly listen and offer encouragement whenever possible to her.
Love
Donna and I have been married over 24 years now. Boy time has flown by fast. In all those years my love for Donna has transformed – in a good way. Sure we’ve had our struggles and still do, but we’ve also experienced great joys and triumphs.
I look at Donna in wonderment as to her resolve in continuing on, even when the road ahead is not yet traveled. She has more difficult days than not, but every morning before I leave for work, I pray over her and give her a kiss on my way out.
She is precious because God gave her to me. Being a depressed person, she may not always see that…but I do try and take opportunities to show her that she plays an important part of my life.
Prayer
This is a big one for me.
Prayer has gotten us through a lot of things over the years. I pray for Donna every day.
I also pray to God and thank Him every day for the wedding blessing we received many years ago. The Covenant I made with Donna and God is as important to me now as it was then. The three of us are still together! I don’t want to take that for granted.
I know God will continue to strengthen us both whatever journey He decides we walk on. He is always with us.
And lastly, we are not too proud to ask God for help – we know He will give it to us if we approach Him humbly. We also realize God may not give us the help in a way or time that we think He should. For me, this is the part that I need to grow into – His thoughts are not my thoughts… His ways are not my ways.
Sure I wish things would be different – but they aren’t.
The only question left to ask is…
“What am I to learn from this experience?”
Perhaps the answer is to simply share it with others so they too can get – H.E.L.P.
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This is the first time Peter has ever written about his role as a spouse of someone battling depression & anxiety. I’m encouraging him to blog more – share more – because I’m sure there are quite a few people who would value his perspective. Would you join me in giving Peter a few words of encouragement? Please leave a comment below… 🙂
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Hello from Montana,
Peter, that was very courageous of you to share your thoughts and words with us.
Many years ago my husband went through a depression over work issues. I did not know how to support him adequately.
As he recovered, our love and commitment strengthened.
Best of luck and be sure to read my latest book on resiliency. You will find it at http://www.bouncebackperson.com
Thank you Judy. I am glad to hear your husband rcovered and that your relationship strengthened as a result. I hope to add value to those who have loved ones struggle with depression.
Peter,
Thank you for being courageous enough to share your struggle and how God is helping you and your wife. There was a time in my life when I felt I couldn’t offer any help to someone except a bad example – yet it was how I struggled that God wanted to use to encourage others facing similar problems. Thank you for speaking up and being heard. I pray God will lead you to help many more as you continue to help your wife.
Great job!
Debi
Thanks Debi. It is in the ‘struggle’ that we realize God is there to help…and in that moment, do we rise to our true potential.
Thanks, Lori, for introducing Peter to us and encouraging him to share his thoughts. I appreciate it and apprecipate Donna for opening herself to us through Peter’s comments. What a wonderful example of marriage these two provide.
Bonnie, Donna and I often ask ourselves the question…”what are we to learn from this experience?” If only to help one person through their situation to cope better, then we have filled a purpose, and this was not in vain. Thank you for your kind words.
Good job, wish more men would voice their struggles, in a positive way. The internet is full of lady bloggers not too many of them are ‘men’. Keep at it you can minister to others with a new and different perspective.
Thanks Sharon, what’s interesting about this whole experience is that I never saw it in a negative light. Everyone is dealing with something. This is what we are dealing with. I hope I can continue to support Donna on this journey…and add value to people like you!
I am also married to a woman who has been treated for depression several times during our marriage. It is a struggle which so often depends upon how I choose to see things. You write well, sum up well how it is to live with and love someone who is depressed. Thank you.
Yes Wilbur…well said, perspective is everything. My struggle is with Donna’s depression – not with Donna herself. Some may say they are one and the same. I say not all the time. And when a sparkle in Donna’s eye comes back from time to time…I say – welcome home.
Oh, Pete – I love that: “And when a sparkle in Donna’s eye comes back from time to time… I say – welcome home.”
Me too. I’d love to have my Donna back again…
That one made me tear up … Lori, and Peter to an extent, know the struggles I had with my beloved late husband, Freddie. He suffered from bipolar disease and various other depressive disorders. That sparkle in their eye … is so worth the other trials. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of Freddie, and when I do, it is usually the moments when the sparkle was there that I recall!
Dear Merry,
You know it…I get a glimpse of sunshine sometimes or even the return of her “playfulness” and I lights me up again! They may be few and far between but for that moment…I stop and live in it – I can’t take it for granted. It is too important to just brush off. Thanks for sharing.
Wow Peter that was a great article, you are a wonderful spouse! God will take care of us. Seek ye first the Kingdom of God … And all His riches shall be added unto you!
Thanks Karen. I appreciate your support – always!
Peter it is so awesome that you are willing to share your struggles. Through your journey you are helping others. That is your gift to everyone that you touch. Thank you and continue doing exactly what you are.
I appreciate that Kelly. I was recently with John Maxwell, and he said one of his values is that he wants to…add value to others. I hope that I am doing this in a positive way. It is by our sharing, supporting and striving that we can all add value to one another. And with the support of my wife Donna, I am able to do this.
I think that this piece can be of such service to many. To know from a real person that they are not alone in this world. That regular people experience the same challenges that they do.
It takes courage to speak from the heart, but it serves not only ones self, but others touched by the communication.
Living from unconditional love as the two of you do is a model to be emulated!
Craig you hit the nail on the head. Donna and I want to turn this struggle, pain and frustration into purpose, healing and inspiration for others.
We might as well consider this as a “gift”. Now, what shall we do with this gift? Help others find hope and encouragement in their struggle. It is rather therapeutic and strengthening knowing we have made a difference in someone’s life.
Wow! Thank you Peter! I know all you have written but to see it in print is helpful. I too had a spouse that is still to this day depressed, however, we did not make it as a couple (28 yrs) not for trying. I still to this day pray for him, as he is still the father of my four beautiful daughters, that one day he will come out of the darkness and realize that he can not battle this disease alone and that asking for help is not a sign of weakness but is a sign of courage to get better and that with God on your side all things are possible!
Thanks Christine. It is important to share. Interesting, even though you are no longer with your spouse, you pray for him daily. To me that says something. Keep that up! The result is that you have four “beautiful daughters”, that I am sure are very precious to you. What an accomplishment…
His life you cannot live for him, but your life you can and do live for yourself. You are an example of courage and strength I am sure for your girls…not perfect but always trying! That is something we all are striving to do, with God by our side the impossible becomes the possible!!!
Wow…! I think you’ve found a wonderful opportunity here; not only to heal yourselves, but to also help others in their healing process. Unless you’ve experienced something for yourself, it’s very difficult to help others. I hope and pray that this new venture will serve as a great blessing for you and your family, as well as to all who read it!!
Thanks Susan, Donna and I feel the same way…that this is an opportunity to help and heal for ourselves and others. It is actually liberating to share and get so many replies as I have seen here on Lori’s site. But then again, Lori is providing a wonderful service to all of us who continue to encourage our spouses!
Thanks Lori…
Dearest Peter
Your HELP principles are exactly the foundation needed to support each other in Marriage
Yes you are dealing with your wife`s depression and having a focus,anchor to bring to bear when times are tough is so important.It`s easy to be lost,sink into frustration and check out.
By having and actively living these principles we grow ourselves and gain even greater trust and intimacy with our beloved
To draw from these timeless essentials when the going gets tough is what real Marriage is about for Suzanne and I and we support the precious husbanding love task that you take on …Blessings
Thanks for your kind and soul warming words Satyen. Marriage is a work-in-process and it continues to evolve. The questions is will it evolve into a pile of rubble or into a masterpiece! I choose masterpiece…
Peter,
Wonderful words of Encouragement and of Faith. Many families struggle through this silent situation, whether it be a father, mother, child or spouse, and it is not easy to see a family member suffer under these circumstances.
One does not understand what it is like to live through these circumstances until they have a familiy member experience it themselves. Thank you for sharing your experience. It is when those such as yourself that have experienced it open up, one can then relate and benefit from how others have coped with the situation. It is definitely something that is beyond our control, and when we take God into our lives as you and Donna have done, the difficult days become easier as we feel his finger lead us from one day to the next.
God Bless you both and we carry you in our prayers.
Thank you for your kind words DW.
I find strength by all the encouraging comments on this post – overwhelmed actually. It is such support that is needed to offers others who are in the same siutation. As a community, we can all H.E.L.P., and see how a little bit can go a long way and make a BIG difference!
Peter and Donna
It is wonderful that you both have decided to share your life’s journey with others. I sure that this will be of great benefit not only to others but also for the both of you. You are an awesome team. Thanks for sharing.
Thank you Susan for sharing your thoughts. We do hope that this journey will benefit others as much as it will benefit us!
Peter, I can’t even begin to comprehend what it is like to live a life with a person suffering from depression. Donna, I can’t even begin to understand how this would even feel as the closest I’ve ever gotten to this was “cabin fever” on a few cold, dark wintery days on the prairies. It is interesting though, whatever the illness, God does give the grace to endure if we ask Him for help & that is a testimony from anyone going through hard times – even a peace that passes all understanding. As well, when we look for things to be thankful for, however small, they are always there. Blessings to you both and I pray that this will be a wonderful year for the both of you.
Karen
Thanks Karen, Your support in prayer gives us strength going forward.