Attention Experience – An observation.
I overheard and watched a young engaged couple begin a conversation. They started by sitting across the table from each other. Then they smiled into the other’s eyes.
The young woman said, “Hi.” And smiled again. The fellow responded by saying “Hi” and a huge smile lit his face.
He reached forward to catch her fingers in his hand. It wasn’t a particularly scintillating conversation, but one thing was clearly communicated – they were happy to see each other.
When and how was the last time you communicated to your spouse you were happy to be with them?
Here’s a list to consider… Do you?
- lean forward (or turn) when your spouse talks to you (unless you’re driving)
- look your spouse in the eye and keep your eyes on them not the kids or the TV (unless you’re the one driving of course)
- deliberately have a pleasant, open expression on your face
- NOD when your spouse makes a good point you agree with
- SMILE when they introduce humor
- reach forward to touch your spouse when it makes sense
- finally, RESPOND to your spouse’s questions
- and open with comments which are thoughtful
These attention experience reactions aren’t too hard to do, right?
Supporting your spouse is not only a physical activity, it’s an attention experience.
Actively supporting your spouse involves listening; really hearing what the other person is reaching out to communicate. Then it means listening even more – deeper – hearing what they’re saying and what they’re not saying.
There are husbands and wives who suggest their spouse doesn’t talk.
They say their spouse won’t communicate. Their spouse has never talked, never learned how to talk, and being talkative probably isn’t even in their nature or personality. They say their spouse is the quiet type.
Sure. Sometimes people are quiet.
I’m probably the quieter one in our marriage. Robert is much more likely to talk than I am. However, I do communicate.
If you pay attention to the quietest person in the room, even without exchanging a word, you’ll still have some inkling on what they’re feeling or thinking. And if your spouse isn’t talking, they may still be reaching out to communicate.
Pay attention when your spouse knocks on the relationship door.
Knocking may not be a verbal experience. How might they knock?
- a sigh
- a raised eyebrow
- a wince
- a shrug of the shoulder
- winking and/or blinking
- looking over your shoulder as you read
- a poke to your side as they pass by
- refusing to meet your eyes
- smirking
- playing footsie
- sniffing the air
- squeezing your shoulder
How do you respond?
Do you ignore the non-verbal knock? Do you ever slam the door?
Or do you just give a cheerful wave as you pass-on-by … to carry on with your own agenda?
How likely is it your spouse knows you are available to listen – now – right this minute?
Are you sure they know you are responding?
Really? How?
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This is beautiful. I have been married for 41 years to a wonderful man. We have gone through many adventures together, 3 children and 5 grandchildren (plus one to come). But your clear words speak tons of sense. I will try to be more intentional in my loving of my hubby.
Thanks for this.
Blessings,
Janis
Thanks for stopping in and commenting Janis. It’s so true – no matter how long we’ve been married (and we’ve got a fair bit to go before we hit 41), it’s always good to do a self-check in every season.
I agree, I love it when I walk in the door and all my wife has to do is stop what she’s doing and acknowledge that I’m there. That to me speaks more than words, because she has so much going on with 4 kids yelling and pulling on her, trying to make dinner and whatever else she has going on that day.
I’m glad you mentioned the “door” thing – it used to be our dog that would go greet Robert. (yes, you can laugh…) It was pretty sad, and I decided that wasn’t a good precedent to set. Then the dog and I would race each other to the door! 🙂
Thanks so much for commenting – I love having a guy’s perspective.
This is a great post. I don’t think it matters how long we’ve been married, {31 years here} there’s always improvement to be had! Thanks for the reminder to be very intentional about not only hearing what our husbands are saying, but body language as well.
Blessings to you ~ Mary
Thank you for stopping in, Mary. Body language is HUGE – and I think sometimes that wives only notice the negative body language, not the positive overtures …
Oh wow, I need to print this off and put this in my bible, post it on my mirror. I REALLY have to work on this area. My husband does not communicate they way I do, He will talk around an issue, whereas I am very direct. and I can get so frustrated with trying to figure out what he is trying to mean. But maybe if I pick up on his “cues”, I can listen better. He does ALOT of the nonverbal cues you listed. Thanks for posting! SO glad I found you 🙂
The non-verbal knock on the door is something I don’t really see addressed much. Good encouragement! Thanks.
Thank you so much for stopping by my blog!! This was a excellent post!! What good suggestions. We can chase our spouse away from a deeper relationship just by showing a lack of gratitude for when they do spend time with us…showing lack of interest, and not turning and listening.