In successful marriages, husbands and wives share decision making. 

Now and again, making a decision is simple and easy – you’ve talked about the situation, and know each other’s perspective and one direction makes the most sense.  Badda-boom, badda-bing… the decision is made.

Other times, making a decision is painful. 

There could be so many variables and opinions that cloud the issue.  Maybe you and your spouse can’t agree.  Maybe there’s a ‘history’ behind this decision – a family history of what ‘should be’ or a history of failures.  Maybe there are reasons you don’t want to make a decision – it might be more comfortable for everyone involved if you and your spouse don’t decide.  Maybe there’s lots of emotion.

But as husband and wife – you share your life…

Can two walk together unless they are agreed?

Amos 3:3

Where do you begin to make a decision?

I imagine listening to each other comes first. 

I’m going to believe that you and and you spouse always begin any activity by listening to each other – by hearing what the other is feeling and understanding. 

Now that you’ve listened to each other – I imagine you’ll ask God for direction and insight.

What’s next?

• Do you seek counsel from trusted advisers and authorities?
• Do you research and look at options?

Let’s say you’ve done all this, and more. 

The decision still isn’t clear – where will you go from here?  How do you organize all this information, and still take into account each other’s feelings and concerns, dire predictions of failure and hopes for success?

Put on a different color hat.

What?  Hat?  You’ve probably heard of the white hat/black hat theory.  Well, there’s a few more colors to add:  yellow, green, red, and blue.

Edward DeBono is an authority in teaching “thinking as a skill”.  His book, Six Thinking Hats, is a great resource for making decisions.  You can use the theory with young children, in meetings, and with your spouse – it’s effective because it’s so simple.

Imagine trying to make a decision – and you’re cluttered with data and emotion.  Here’s a quick overview on how to use the six thinking hats to look at the situation:

1. White Hat Thinking – objective, facts and figures
2. Red Hat Thinking – the emotional aspects
3. Black Hat Thinking – negative and gloomy – why something will fail
4. Yellow Hat Thinking – optimistic, sunny, full of hope
5. Green Hat Thinking – creativity and new ideas
6. Blue Hat Thinking – over-arching, organizing all the other thinking

I can’t do the book and theory justice in a blog post, but put your “Green Hat” on and think about how solving the dilemma of a decision can become like a game. 

You can both put on your “Black Hats” and be deliberately gloomy, then take off that hat and put on your “Red Hats” to express only the emotions associated with the decision.  (there’s no barrier to being emotional – your spouse can’t roll his or her eyes because of the all the emotion – after-all, you’re wearing your Red Hat!)  Then you can can put your “White Hats” on and make a list of facts to reference pro’s and con’s about the decision. 

I hope you can see the idea – Hats on, Hats off – it’s about covering all aspects of a decision.  I’d recommend picking up the book at your library or bookstore and exploring the theory.

How do you and your spouse make a decision?

Do you have any interesting ways you decide?