Love does not envy. ~ 1Corinthians 13:3
Oh, of course – (you’re telling me) – “I don’t envy my spouse…”
Maybe not.
What is envy?
Don’t confuse the concept of envy with jealousy. Jealousy is fearing you’ll lose something precious.
Envy is wanting something someone else has – with no ill will intended.
Brace yourself.
I’m going to touch on something tender – this might feel a little bit like I’m prodding a sore spot. (I don’t mean to hurt you.) Most times we don’t want to envy our spouse – we fight against those thoughts. Or we hide them. Or we shove them down… deep.
Love does not envy.
Love does not envy means that when your spouse goes out of the house to pursue their career with a lunch at a fancy restaurant and adult conversation, and you’re looking at a day at home with cranky toddlers – there is no snarly niggle or creeping desire.
And conversely – when you are getting dressed in your corporate uniform, shoving your laptop into the case, and grabbing your coffee, and keys to scramble out the door because you’re late, once again – there is no sighing breath or mumbling grumble at your spouse who is still snuggled under the covers with the kids for a few more minutes of sleep, because love does not envy.
Love does not envy means that when your spouse and you are sitting at the dining table with your parents-in-law and everybody is laughing and reminiscing about a next-to-ideal childhood – you aren’t mentally wincing because your childhood left a lot to be desired.
Love does not envy means that when your spouse is praised by their peers for pulling off a great production/event, you don’t imagine how much better you could have done it if only you’d had the chance.
When one of you wins, but the other envies the win – you both lose.
We are unique individuals – created by an omnipotent, omniscient Creator. He is the Great Engineer. He gifted us with certain talents – with opportunities and struggles.
Who are we to envy what the Creator of Heaven and Earth has designed for our spouse?
What’s the opposite of envy?
So if envy means to desire something your spouse has – what’s the opposite?
Generosity
Well-meaning, generous and kind-hearted. That’s the opposite of being envious.
Being generous instead of responding with envy takes effort – concentrated effort.
Being generous instead of responding with envy may take some wrestling in prayer. Over and over and over and over. And again.
Being generous instead of responding with envy may take some inner sorting – some acknowledgment of stuff we don’t want to believe we are harboring.
And finally – or perhaps to sum it up – responding with generosity instead of envy may take a leap of faith. And an inexplicable choice to just trust God’s will.
It may be simple – but it’s not easy.
Has envy ever crept into your marriage? (At least, that you’ve acknowledged?) How have you combated envy? Give generosity a try…
(I’m working through the 1Corinthians 13 “Love” verses – pulling them apart and seeking to really understand them. Check out “Love is Patient” & “Love is Kind“)
Thankful to Link With:
Dysfunction Junction | Thriving Thursday | Hope in Every Season | Character Corner | Grace At Home Essential Fridays | Thought Provoking Thursday
Wow, this is so powerful. I admit that , at times, I have been envious. This is something that many married couples must admit – in order to work on. I think that it happens often, although it is very unintentional.
As I wrote this post, I convicted myself. (sigh) Envy is a tricky and slithery emotion, and I agree, married couples need to be conscious of where envy is slipping in, so they can be proactive about fighting it. Thanks for commenting, Trinity!
Ooh, I never thought of that, or quite like that 🙂 Yes, I HAVE had those feelings before! Thank you so much for opening my mind to how I have envied before. Excellent post~ thank YOU for sharing it on the link-up! I hope you will join the community on Wednesday and Thursdays each week! This is what I have in mind for the ‘EOA’ 🙂 Blessings to you and a hug! J
Thanks for the invitation, Jacqueline. I appreciate your kind words.
Thanks for this beautiful reminder! I’m stopping in from Thought provoking Thursday, Blessings!
Wow! I have never thought of that, but I have envied my husband so many times today alone! And you are so right, it is so tricky and before you know it some situation creeps up and You are envying Your spouse! well that is how it works with me all the time!
And envy is not just envy. It has friends too that come with it, like resentment, frustration, disappointment at circumstances and blaming God (if we truly stop to admit it) for our circumstances (you know the parts we don’t like but wish we could change but can’t)
Now after reading this I hope that I will be able to say one day, “I used to envy my husband”. By God’s grace and a LOT of prayer I hope to have this in the past!! But, if and when I do fall into envying I am so grateful to know that I have a loving God who forgives me and is working to cleanse me of ALL my sins!
Good addition – identifying all the unwelcome “friends” of resentment, frustration and disappointment…
We ARE so blessed to have a Heavenly Father, who just keeps on loving us, providing for our needs, and letting us begin again – clean.
Thanks for stopping by and for the valuable additions.
This is the first time I’ve visited your blog, Lori, but I’ll be back. I enjoyed this post. I don’t think I ever thought about the difference between envy and jealousy, although I know there is appropriate jealousy (after all, God is a jealous God), but obviously, there’s no good type of envy. Yes, I’ve felt feelings of envy and this is a good reminder to keep them out of my my heart.
Thankful you stopped in, Gail – I also was struck by those different definitions. (envy/jealousy)
It started an entire conversation on the two between hubby and I – that’ll have to be another blog post! LOL
Good thoughts on envy. Thank you for sharing them. I had never looked at envy quite like that before.
One comment I do disagree with, though, is that wincing about remember your own less-than-ideal childhood while others are talking about their ideal (or near ideal) childhoods is envy. That simply sounds like remembering to me and seems like a normal response to a painful experience. Now if one was sitting there saying, “Oh, I didn’t have that but I sure wish I had what you had” – that seems like it would fall under envy.
Thanks for your thoughts, PK – I value your viewpoint, and for spelling out how the two concepts differ.
I agree with you – we can feel badly about a situation, without ever envying another’s better space. (I should have detailed my statements more carefully – thanks for the support.)
Lori, this is such a great post.
You have such great insight to recognise the habit we have of feeling envious when we stay at home with kids and our husband’s go out and seemingly do more exciting things. I have felt resentful about this myself and for a long time it was the cause of arguments between us. Thanks so much for saying something hard in such a loving way.
Thanks for linking up at Essential Fridays. Blessings.
Oh, Mel. You are SO not alone in that example – it was one I fully lived. However, I can also understand those spouses who long to be the one staying at home, yet are compelled by necessity to be away all day. It’s finding the peace in where God has put us – for this season.
Thanks for stopping in!
This post made me search my heart. We often don’t notice when envy creeps in, so it’s helpful to cultivate generosity to chase away envy. Great post.
My hubby and I always joke that I have workout envy. Whenever he goes to workout and I don’t get a chance to workout the same day, I get a bit envious and try to convince him not to work out either :). But thank goodness that’s about as much envy as we get. But generosity abounds.
Great job pointing out how envy can creep in the smallest of ways. I often catch myself feeling it when I go to work and Liv gets to stay at home with our kids. I know she’ll have a fuller, busier day than I will, but her day will be filled with spending time with our children while I am gone to make money. It’s when I remind myself that it’s taking that time to make that money that allows at least one of us to have that time with our children when most families require both parents to work away from home.
Thanks for reminding me of how to see this as a blessing. I still dream of having a business that I can work from home.
This is something God has addressed with me in the past…thanks so much for the very good reminder!