We’re heading into a season of human interaction.
The Thanksgiving Weekend – for those in the USA.
Christmas – New Year.
All year long we interact with others, but this time of year the interactions have overarching expectations. We’re supposed to be having fun, and bonding, and enjoying festivities.
We’re focused on being thankful – in all circumstances. W’e’re immersed in the holiness of the birth of Christ. We’re uniting with loved ones over meticulously prepared meals in thoughtfully decorated homes. We’re traveling. We’re giving and receiving packages purchased (or created) in a mad rush or stolen moments or proactively planned parcels of time.
All these interactions take energy. Expended energy creates tired people.
Tired people make mistakes.
Mistakes create tension.
Tension causes disagreements.
Disagreements begin less-than-positive interactions…
I’m guessing at some point in the next 2 months, you’re going to need to say…
“I’m sorry.”
How do you apologize? Effectively?
A few weeks ago Robert and I had the pleasure of spending an evening with JT and Jennifer Thomas. They graciously invited us into their home and shared from their hearts some stories of their life.* What was the catalyst for this time together?
Jennifer Thomas is the co-author of “The Five Languages of Apology”. When I wrote a post about this book on Leadership Couples, Jennifer reached out – and we took the opportunity to connect.
The Five Languages of Apology
This book answers both how to apologize – and why your apology may not be effective.
Gary Chapman (author of “The Five Love Languages”) and Jennifer Thomas wrote this book after years of research. They present the five fundamental aspects of an apology as:
- Expressing Regret. “I am sorry”
- Accepting Responsibility. “I was wrong.”
- Making Restitution. “What can I do to make it right?”
- Genuinely Repenting. “I’ll try not to do that again.”
- Requesting Forgiveness. “Will you please forgive me?”
In our conversation together, Jennifer shared that these fundamentals first grew from an interaction she and JT had over an issue. Jennifer apologized, but JT needed to hear more than an “I’m sorry.” He needed Jennifer to accept responsibility. He needed to hear the words, “I was wrong”.
The story of how the book progressed from an idea, to a possible article, into research and a co-authored book is found in the introduction. It’s a beautiful illustration of how sharing an idea can grow (after much work) into a powerful gift to benefit many people.
Who would benefit from this book?
The simple answer? Everyone who messes up.
Expressing regret, accepting responsibility, repenting, asking for forgiveness, and making a plan to do better in the future is key to every relationship. Spouse – parent – child – coworker – neighbor…
Husbands & Wives. “There are no healthy marriages without genuine apologies.” Sharing life with your spouse isn’t always champagne and roses – there are disagreements in a marriage. (Shocking, I know.) Is your apology accepted by your spouse? All through this book are illustrations of husbands and wives learning how to effectively apologize.
Parents. How do you teach your children to apologize? There’s a really great chapter walking parents through the process of teaching their children to: 1. Accept Responsibility for their Actions – 2. Learn How Their Actions Affect Others – 3. Understand there are Rules in Life – 4. How Apologies Restore Friendships – 5. How to Teach Children the Languages of Apology. I really like the statement toward the end of this chapter, “Young children do what parents say – older children do what parents do.” This way parents and children can learn the valuable skill of apology – together.
And then there are chapters for employers, employees, those dating, a personal profile inventory, and a group study guide. In the chapter about making restitution, illustrations are given to use your spouses’ love language as part of an apology.
Would you like to read this book?
We have a copy to give away…
Robert and I feel the concepts in this book are so valuable, we want to share it with you. If you’re interested, just leave a comment at the end of this post. You could even share your thoughts on what makes up an effective apology…
Next week – on Monday, November 26th – I’ll announce who won a copy of “The Five Languages of Apology”! (Then I’ll get Robert to mail it to you, ’cause he’s good at those “follow-through” things.)
*Robert is going to write a post about our time with Jennifer and JT Thomas. We’ll give another copy of this book away then. I’ll keep you posted so you have another chance to receive a free copy.
Don’t forget – leave a comment… 🙂
This looks like a very helpful book, I sure would love to be the winner.
I am visiting you from Matrimonial Mondays, do have a super blessed day!
Love
Thanks for visiting, Ugochi – It is a useful tool!
I just found your blog and I really enjoyed reading the summary you posted of the book. Sounds like something I should be reading-right now!
I would love to win the book, thanks for offering a free copy!
Have a blessed day!
Happy you stopped by, Iris!
This book would be a great tool for our family for teaching and showing our teenage daughters about sincere apologies. If my husband or I hurt each others feelings or go wrong we apologize as soon as we can and I personally love it when he takes me into his arms, holds me tight and whispers “I love you and I’m sorry” in my ear.
We would cherish having this book and appreciate your consideration.
Warm blessings & Happy Thanksgiving,
Mr. & Mrs. Cornett
Thanks for commenting, Karen. I’m sure this book would be a great resource with your daughters.
It’s funny – I first read this book years ago because of our teenage son. We had some concerns because he didn’t find it easy to say he was sorry… after a few conversations we uncovered his difficulty.
Though he felt remorse, he didn’t feel saying “sorry” made any difference to the outcome. Obviously we were then able to talk about making restitution, and also the different ways people needed to hear about his remorse. It worked itself out, and this book was key to understanding him.
I am so glad to hear this book helped you with your teenage son! I am do happy my name was drawn and absolutely can’t wait to receive this book. I am sure it will be a valuable book for both our daughters and ourselves.
Blessings,
Karen
Hi Lori,
I’ve been viewing your blog entries a few times now and when I came across this entry, it felt like it struck a cord with me since I feel that struggles between myself and a loved one can be painful when unresolved. I’ve heard about the 5 apologies but never read it – the concept is great because it’s true that everyone has a different feeling towards what constitutes an effective apology. I would love to have the opportunity to earn the book so I can share it with my loved one.
Jade