I’m working through one of Robert’s leadership courses from John Maxwell – Everyone Communicates, Few Connect. (Robert is a Leadership Coach with John Maxwell) This book/course explores the concept that effective leaders do more than just communicate a message – they connect and thereby are more likely to add value to people.
John Maxwell talks about the 4 barriers between communication & connecting. Listening to him speak, I couldn’t help but translate 3 of these to marriage and encouragement…
The 3 areas are a little uncomfortable, and I imagine we wouldn’t want to own any of these barriers.
However.
(being candid here)
“Ouch”!
What’s stopping us from encouraging our spouse?
1. Immaturity –
The inability to see and act on behalf of others, behaving as a toddler would enter his/her world – grasping and reacting to everything as though we’re the ‘star’ in the story.
Maturity is the ability to see and act on the behalf of others.
John completes this thought in the book by stating that “Maturity doesn’t always come with age; sometimes age comes alone.”
It doesn’t matter how old we are – it matters how mature we act. Maturity is a choice. It’s the ability to look beyond our own needs, identify what’s needed for the best of everyone, and then take action. Pro-activity for the good of our spouse is a sign of maturity.
Encouragement is about our spouse – not us.
2. Failure to Value –
…the person beside us.
If you’ve been married for a while it’s easy to just accept the value your spouse provides. Then perhaps you begin to expect or ignore the value your spouse adds in your life.
How can you show you value your spouse?
Gary Chapman’s 5 Love Languages is a great tool. Yes, it’s to speak to our spouse using their “language” – but it’s also an active way to demonstrate how very much we value our husband or wife.
After returning home from 2 days away, Robert used my love language, Words of Affirmation, to tell me how much he appreciated me. I felt valued. The result of feeling valued was that I could really hear his words of encouragement. My job now is to spend Quality Time with Robert so he feels valued by me, thereby we can do more than just communicate by continuing to connect.
To add value to others, one must first value others.
If we value our spouse, it’ll be easy to identify ways to encourage her or him. Start a list – make note. Pay attention.
I imagine we’ll discover lots we’ve been overlooking …
Encouragement adds value to the person you love.
3. Insecurity.
Being insecure causes the unfortunate cycle of needing approval to feel good, not receiving approval or acknowledgement, and then feeling inadequate. How can we encourage our spouse if we’re feeling inadequate? (see #1)
By acting out of the security and assurance of God’s love and grace, we won’t need our spouse’s (or anyone’s) approval to feel good about ourselves. God’s love and grace are enough to provide the strength to make the hard choices – to take the high road.
Our security needs to be in Jesus’ sacrifice. Not in our spouse (or anyone else).
So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live your lives in him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness.
Colossians 2:6,7
Maturity – Acknowledged Value – Security
Imagine the difference in our marriage relationship with our spouse if we could knock down the barriers of immaturity, lack of value, and insecurity! How’s it goin’ for you?
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