A farmer went to an attorney to get help in acquiring a divorce.
The lawyer said to him, “Do you have any grounds?” The farmer replied, “Yup, I’ve got about three hundred acres.”
The lawyer said, “You’re not understanding me. Do you have any case?” The farmer said, “No, I don’t have a Case, but I do have a John Deere, and that’s what I farm my three hundred acres with.”
The lawyer tried again: “No, no, no. You’re still not understanding me. Do you have a grudge?” To which the farmer replied, “Yup, that’s where I keep my John Deere.”
“You’re still not understanding me,” said the lawyer. “Do you beat your wife up?” The farmer answered, “Nope, she gets up at five o’clock just like I do.”
Finally, the frustrated lawyer said, “Sir, I’m trying to find out if you have any reason for getting a divorce.”
“Well,” said the farmer. “You see, we have this communication problem.”
~ from Wayne and Carol Mack. Sweethearts for a Lifetime: Making the Most of Your Marriage
Getting around to clear communication.
When you and your spouse spend time together, do you really understand what the other person is saying? Sometimes a conversation is a hit-and-miss experience in the pursuit of clear communication.
Keep asking questions till you fully understand what your spouse is communicating – the details, the background and the underlying emotion.
Use prompts and phrases like:
- … help me understand …
- … what’s important about this to you …
- … tell me more …
- … what are you hoping …
- … if you could change one thing …
Do you have phrases that create clarity in your communication?
Clear communication takes effort. Start by looking at your spouse, Body language is a part of communication, so don’t forget to uncross your arms, and lean toward your spouse.
When we mentor couples we encourage them to turn their chairs toward each other until their knees are touching. Sometimes it feels uncomfortable to be so close but it makes a difference in the way they communicate. It makes it easier to touch each other and to be clear because all their attention is on each other.
Need to start a conversation? Begin with a sincere compliment. Need ideas to talk about? Try this post. Or this one.
Here’s the book the story was from – it’s a practical and easy to read book on marriage.
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LOVE it! What a great way to illustrate that. We all have different meanings for different words and our own personal filters that all communication has to pass through so it’s very important to take the time to confirm you are understanding what the other person is saying.
So true!
I think of a conversation my husband and his mother had. They were talking about “frames”… she said it would be easy to straighten the frame. He said it would take major work and expense.
They were looking at the same wall. On that wall there was a picture in a frame, and a door frame… Guess which “frame” each person was looking at?
Thanks for commenting, Nicole!
Loved the story- a lot. It’s the issue in marriage, business, and friendship. Hearing what is spoken and speaking words that can be clearly understood (without the extra nuances).
It’s a skill we must develop to strip out the nuances WE hear that were never spoken in the first place.
Thanks for commenting, Roy. Great point about nuances, and the fact that it’s *our* responsibility to strip them out of what we hear. Like everything, it takes one person to step up first…
Well put, Lori, and good suggestions for overcoming the problem. Thanks.
Mum
Thanks, Mum. 🙂
Ha, ha, ha. I love the story, especially “Do you beat your wife up?” Bob beats me up daily. I’m so thankful I don’t have to beat him up anymore. Great story about communication.
Thanks, Bonnie. 🙂
(I have to borrow the humor – it comes naturally to you!)
Great post, Lori! Communication can definitely be a challenge between spouses, particularly considering that men and women are created differently in so many ways. The differences become complements, rather than stumbling blocks, when we take the time and the intention to listen and communicate clearly to one another.
Yes, those phrases and questions bring great clarity to my communication with my spouse, but I don’t always remember to use them when they are needed most! I’m grateful for the way you’ve approached this, Lori. It really makes it “clear” how “confusing” communication can get! I needed this challenge and know that my readers do too. 🙂 Thanks for linking this up at Wedded Wed! Great content, as always!
Hey Beth – happy to connect with Wedded-Wed – This is one of my favorite posts because of the story. (It’s not mine – I found it in a book.) I just felt it would be a good fit for all of us with a Messy Marriage!