Jul 30, 2015
Trust. Where does trust play a part in your life’s story? In your marriage?
Trust means having faith and confidence in a person or plan; allow without fear.
Here’s a story of an amazing couple who embraced this powerful value of Trust:
A young man. A young woman. Engaged.
We don’t know much about the birth of either the man or the woman. We don’t know exactly when either one died. We do know he had royal blood and was a direct descendant of a great king. However, he was poor and had little to his name. She was a lovely young lady, younger than him.
Clearly, something special existed between them. So they got engaged, looking forward to a normal, happy life together.
That was not to be.
She got pregnant before they got married. And he wasn’t the father.
He wanted to break off the engagement, but was encouraged to move forward anyway, and marry her. His job was to care for her and love her. So he did.
They were forced to leave town. She had the child – a boy – in the most unpleasant of circumstances. No friends. No family. Just each other.
So they moved on with their lives – together.
The family grew, with more children. There were four more boys and at least two girls. The parents loved their children and did their best to provide for them.
The father taught his trade to his oldest son. But this boy had a burning desire to do other things. This same child, that caused them so much strife in the early years, would go on to do great things. Amazing things.
But then this son was killed.
He was wrongly accused and put to death.
Because of this child, everything about their life was difficult.
And yet, through all circumstances, they trusted.
In God.
The father was Joseph. The mother was Mary.
They named their oldest son Jesus.
Serving in Trust
Everything about the lives of Joseph and Mary was to serve a higher purpose. As their life unfolded, I imagine they realized this.
But knowing and trusting in God didn’t make circumstances easier. And, I imagine there were many times when they couldn’t understand the ‘why’ behind everything until later. Much later.
They were human, like you and me. They made mistakes.
They did some good things. Most importantly they fulfilled their purpose.
So what about you?
Do you know your God-given purpose? Are you waiting for an angel to come and tell you? Good news.
Thanks to Joseph and Mary, who fulfilled their purpose, our purpose has been made clear. Follow in the footsteps of Christ. Live a life based on what Jesus taught. And live with a trust in God. Like Joseph and Mary.
Trust in God. Lean on Him.
The impact of incorporating a trust in God will be greater than you ever imagined. And so will be your reward.
For those interested, here are some scripture references to highlight the amazing trust of Joseph and Mary: Mathew 1:18-25; 2:13-23; Mark 6:3; Luke 1:28,31-32; 2:1-7; 2:40-51; Acts 1:14
Values are like a signpost when you need to make a decision in your life.
Values unite a husband and wife.
Values are a foundation to build your legacy on.
But which values?
Aren’t all values good?
You need to know your own, differentiating values, as a couple!
click HERE to learn more about our eBook!
It’s a workbook and guide so you can choose your own values – to make it easier to be united in direction & decisions.
Jul 17, 2015
Gentleness may not be what you think it is… or it might even be more than you believe. It’s never weak. And it can be found in every great marriage.
Possible in every marriage.
There are lots of headstrong, forceful individuals who are married. Sometimes both husband and wife are considered strong, driven, decisive, and goal oriented. Why would they want to incorporate the ability to be gentle into their marriage? Isn’t gentleness considered a ‘weak’ value?
And what about those individuals who have great strife in their marriage? Endless financial battles, massive addiction struggles, unwieldy family carnage, and so much more, which sums up the whirlwind of their years together. Those individuals can’t practice a passive value like this, can they? Where could being gentle fit into their marriage?
Why does every marriage need this value?
Gentleness, as a value, means even-tempered; considerate; honorable, strength under control.
3 Aspects
These three aspects can be summed up by one image: an adult hand holding an infant’s hand:
Strength Under Control
Strength under control can have the greatest impact in a marriage. Learning to control your actions, words, and even thoughts is the beginning of gentleness. Just think of the power of an adult hand, and the delicacy of an infant…
Proximity
Distance is the enemy of being gentle. Gentleness is never distant – it always is practiced in proximity to the one you love. Practicing this value in your marriage means staying close to each other in mind, body, and spirit. Imagine the feeling of that little baby’s hand in your yours…
Consideration
Gentleness is considerate. It takes into account your spouse’s moods, and feelings, and acts accordingly. And responds quickly – with grace. There’s a special focus when you hold an infant, isn’t there? You’ll rarely take your eyes off them, will you?
Today will never come again…
Today will never come again …
“Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near.” Philippians 4:5
Be gentle with your spouse – don’t be anxious about things…
“… but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
And the peace of God,
which transcends all understanding,
will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
Philippians 4:6 NIV
Perhaps this scripture holds the key to gentleness… with the peace of God, which we can’t truly fathom – our hearts and minds are guarded. We can put all our anxieties and requests into prayer – always remembering to give thanks to Him who is the author of our lives.
10 Ways to Practice Gentleness
Here are 10 ways it can be practiced in marriage.
- Gentleness deliberately waits to address difficult issues till the time is right.
- By being gentle you honor your spouse’s free will, without joining in to placate her/him.
- Gentleness shines a light on a tender issue while exercising respect.
- Gentleness remains even-tempered during a crisis, yet stays alert for possible dangers.
- Gentleness offers a hug when a spouse messes up and remains silent in commiseration.
- Gentleness uses light humor to diffuse tense moments.
- Gentleness protects vulnerable spots but addresses the hurt that needs healing.
- Gentleness never needs to yell, and never cowers or whimpers.
- Gentleness takes its time to consider all the facts but is quick to ask for forgiveness.
- Gentleness remains ever present, even if it’s never acknowledged.
Increase your strength by being gentle.
To create a healthy, strong marriage, practicing the value of gentleness might just be the perfect fitness program!
How has being gentle strengthened your marriage?
Share the ways your spouse is gentle with you – and you are gentle with your spouse…
Jun 25, 2015
When was the last time you expressed gratitude in your marriage
– and said, “Thank you.” to your spouse?
Gratitude in Marriage
Gratitude. Thankfulness. It’s important to tell your spouse how thankful you are. Sometimes we’ll say, “Thank you.” to a stranger, before we’ll say it to our spouse! 
This is number 2 of 101 phrases to encourage your spouse – see the video of Alex and Alisane saying these phrases to each other – by going to “The Video” and also see the other posts in this series.
The Big Picture
Courtesy isn’t a luxury in marriage – it’s a necessity. Courtesy – including saying “thank you” – demonstrates how much you value your spouse!
“Just as leaks in a dam reflect the potential of larger problems, giving up on courtesy in marriage reflects the bigger issue of not valuing each other. The consequences of forgetting ‘small’ actions remind us of how big those actions were in the first place.” – Gary Chapman from Love as a Way of Life: Seven Keys to Transforming Every Aspect of Your Life
Sometimes it’s just forgetfulness that stops us from expressing gratitude. That’s easy to solve – get (back) into the habit of expressing how thankful you are… Practice!
But what if lack of gratitude is part of a deeper problem?
Could you have slid into a mentality of entitlement? (maybe?)
Or have you stopped saying “thank you” because you no longer value what your spouse does?
Maybe it’s time for a bit of soul-searching… an attitude adjustment?
The Practical
Saying, “Thank you.” to your spouse doesn’t need to be difficult – it just requires a bit of attention to details. There’s going to be a lot of instances – opportunities to say it… here are a few…
thank you for marrying me…- thank you for putting up with me…
- thank you for doing the laundry…
- thank you for making supper…
- thank you for smiling at me…
- thank you for listening…
- thank you for making the bed…
- thank you for cuddling with me…
- thank you for such great kids…
- thank you for taking care of the bills…
- thank you for going to work…
- thank you for being nice to my parents…
- thank you for helping out…
- thank you for being so generous…
- thank you for choosing to do what’s right…
- thank you for praying for me…
- thank you for loving me…
I’m sure there’s more!
Leave a comment – about what will you say “thank you” to your spouse today?
Want some reminders about being thankful? Download a PDF of these four scripture tags…
Download (free)
Print them on cardstock, cut them out, use them as bookmarks, hang on ‘fridge or mirrors, or tuck them into sock drawers, hang them from your spouse’s car steering wheel, or even more fun spots! Take some action…
Thankful to Link with Reflect His Love and Glory at JannCobb.com
To see all the posts for 101 phrases to encourage your spouse series and the video – click this picture.
Jun 23, 2015
In your marriage, do you respect your spouse? And if you do – how do you show it?
The Value of Respect
As a value, Respect has three powerful components:
an attitude of admiration or esteem;
courteous regard for others;
and deference.
These components aren’t mutually exclusive, but they can be embraced individually or together.
In a marriage, respect can show up in different ways:
- When a husband or wife openly admires or esteems their spouse. Perhaps it’s as simple as speaking words of affirmation and admiration, or it could be as elaborate as a celebration dedicated to the other spouse.
- When a wife or husband is courteous to their spouse. This can be as simple as opening a door for your spouse, or recording their favorite TV show so they don’t miss it. It’s also found in expressions of “please” and “thank you”.
- When a spouse yields or submits to the wishes or judgment of the other. It’s not pushing for your idea or desire but rather agreeing to go with the idea or desire of your spouse. (Another way of looking at this is acknowledging your spouse is leading on a particular topic and you actively support it.)
And yet, there’s more…
As we’ve been traveling, Lori and I have noticed a trend.
Husbands and wives are often involved in hobbies. But there’s more – they’re adopting a shared hobby.
(Lori wrote about the idea of shared hobbies HERE.)
Yes, this hobby may be embraced less fervently by one spouse than the other, but by becoming involved, by any degree, the by-product of this involvement is translated into respect for the other spouse.
Want examples?
One couple is heavily into restoring vintage cars. We’re sure the interest first began with the husband, but his wife has involved herself by more than lip-service to his passion – she also takes pride in contributing to the restoration by doing a bit of sanding, etc. Her active involvement in his passion has conveyed to him the feeling of being respected. It’s an interesting phenomenon.
Another couple trains for running marathons. Only the wife actually runs the marathon, but her husband is fully immersed in the training, up to and including eating differently. By being personally invested in his wife’s training, she feels he respects her hobby, and it translates to the wider feeling of being respected by her husband.
The Value of Respect in Marriage
In the book “Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs”, author Dr. Emerson Eggerichs highlights a key difference between men and women: women desire to be loved and men need to be respected. It’s a great book with a simple message, and I highly recommend reading it. (Lori and I learned a lot!)
Love and respect are two sides of the same coin.
They are both primary needs. Neither are easy. Both require work. But the rewards are worth it. While love can be viewed as the “soft stuff”, respect tends to be seen as the “hard stuff.” However, to get to the soft stuff (love), a spouse must often work through the hard stuff (respect) first.
After much discussion, we’re not convinced “respect” is only for men.
We’re beginning to suspect both husbands and wives need and desire to receive a feeling of respect from their spouse…
What do you think?
Do you feel your spouse respects you? How does he or she demonstrate this value of respect?
How do you show your spouse respect?
Robert Ferguson is a speaker, writer, and consultant, with a focus on values in business. You can find him at http://FergusonValues.com
Robert and Lori are married 30+ years, and are on an adventure – traveling North America. They both write about marriage here at Encourage Your Spouse.
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Ever wondered which values you and your spouse share?
Lori and I developed a workbook for couples
Learn more about the eBook for Couples
Nov 28, 2014
What happened to the value of courtesy in marriage?
As a differentiating value, Courtesy means:
polite behavior; or gracious good manners.
As parents, we hope we taught our kids to be polite, and we’re pleasantly surprised when we receive a gracious action from a complete stranger. Courtesy – polite behavior adds up to a pleasant experience.
But what’s happening to the exchange of common courtesy in marriage?
Most married couples experienced the power and joy of courtesy from their partner when they dated and (hopefully) during the early years of marriage. Imagine those “courting” days…
- He held the restaurant door open, as she entered.
- She said ‘thank you.’ with a smile.
- He held her chair as she sat down at the table.
- They both waited for the food to arrive before starting to eat.
- He discretely used his napkin.
- They both asked questions and listened intently to understand more about each other.
Then, with the magic of time, something happened and those little courtesies began to disappear… Sometimes we excuse the disappearance of courtesy to the ease of marriage – the ease of familiarity with each other. Yes, it’s a wonderful luxury to be at ease with your spouse. However, there’s a difference between being at ease, and not valuing each other. 
Marriage counselors see first hand when the value of courtesy is gone. Author Dr. Gary Chapman makes an insightful statement about courtesy in his book Love as a Way of Life: Seven Keys to Transforming Every Aspect of Your Life
“Just as leaks in a dam reflect the potential of larger problems, giving up on courtesy in marriage reflects the bigger issue of not valuing each other. The consequences of forgetting ‘small’ actions remind us of how big those actions were in the first place.”
When courtesy has gone by the wayside, can it be brought back?
The value of courtesy can be resurrected – there are things both a husband and wife can do together to restore that spark called courtesy!
Courtesy is adaptable and it’s near-invisible.
Through small courtesies you show your spouse you value her/him.
Here are 30 ideas for small courtesies to build up your marriage:
- hold an umbrella over you both
- open the car door for her
- smell nice for each other with a hint of perfume/cologne
- help with carrying packages/bags
- use a tissue and throw it in the garbage
- fix him a cup of coffee/tea
- toast an extra bagel & prepare it just for her
- listen when he/she talks
- greet her/him at the door when they come home
- clear your extra stuff off of the bathroom counter
- hang up her/his coat
- cough into your hand – not the air
- wash his/her car’s windshield
- carry the plates to the sink after supper
- respond pleasantly (even when you’re a bit miffed)
- share
- acknowledge something good about your spouse
- say “thank you”
- cover your mouth with your hand when you yawn
- ask what his/her preference is in a situation (don’t assume)
- affirm your spouse’s actions in a sticky social spot
- pass the food to him/her
- refill his/her glass
- modulate your voice and enunciate so you’ll be heard
- introduce your spouse when you’re meeting others
- smile at him/her
- offer your wife your arm when you’re walking (be a support)
- walk on the street side of the sidewalk to protect your lady
- set the table with lit candles, just because you can…
- notice when he/she is running low on an item and purchase more
- gentle your touch – slow down
Courtesies demonstrate a positive regard for each other.
Can you add to the list? Are there other ways you show your spouse courtesy?
Love as a Way of Life: Seven Keys to Transforming Every Aspect of Your Life
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