Jan 23, 2013
Attention Experience – An observation.
I overheard and watched a young engaged couple begin a conversation. They started by sitting across the table from each other. Then they smiled into the other’s eyes.
The young woman said, “Hi.” And smiled again. The fellow responded by saying “Hi” and a huge smile lit his face.
He reached forward to catch her fingers in his hand. It wasn’t a particularly scintillating conversation, but one thing was clearly communicated – they were happy to see each other.
When and how was the last time you communicated to your spouse you were happy to be with them?
Here’s a list to consider… Do you?
- lean forward (or turn) when your spouse talks to you (unless you’re driving)
- look your spouse in the eye and keep your eyes on them not the kids or the TV (unless you’re the one driving of course)
- deliberately have a pleasant, open expression on your face
- NOD when your spouse makes a good point you agree with
- SMILE when they introduce humor
- reach forward to touch your spouse when it makes sense
- finally, RESPOND to your spouse’s questions
- and open with comments which are thoughtful
These attention experience reactions aren’t too hard to do, right?
Supporting your spouse is not only a physical activity, it’s an attention experience.
Actively supporting your spouse involves listening; really hearing what the other person is reaching out to communicate. Then it means listening even more – deeper – hearing what they’re saying and what they’re not saying.
There are husbands and wives who suggest their spouse doesn’t talk.
They say their spouse won’t communicate. Their spouse has never talked, never learned how to talk, and being talkative probably isn’t even in their nature or personality. They say their spouse is the quiet type.
Sure. Sometimes people are quiet.
I’m probably the quieter one in our marriage. Robert is much more likely to talk than I am. However, I do communicate.
If you pay attention to the quietest person in the room, even without exchanging a word, you’ll still have some inkling on what they’re feeling or thinking. And if your spouse isn’t talking, they may still be reaching out to communicate.
Pay attention when your spouse knocks on the relationship door.
Knocking may not be a verbal experience. How might they knock?
- a sigh
- a raised eyebrow
- a wince
- a shrug of the shoulder
- winking and/or blinking
- looking over your shoulder as you read
- a poke to your side as they pass by
- refusing to meet your eyes
- smirking
- playing footsie
- sniffing the air
- squeezing your shoulder
How do you respond?
Do you ignore the non-verbal knock? Do you ever slam the door?
Or do you just give a cheerful wave as you pass-on-by … to carry on with your own agenda?
How likely is it your spouse knows you are available to listen – now – right this minute?
Are you sure they know you are responding?
Really? How?
Linking up with
Winsome Wednesdays
Into the Word Wednesdays
Whole Hearted Home Wednesdays
Jan 17, 2013
We’re headed into that heart month – February.
Flowers & cards.
Chocolate.
Dinner for two.
Intimacy.
What about your heart?
I’m not talking only about emotions… I’m talking about the physical muscle!
How is that muscle beating in your chest?
(The one that flutters when your spouse walks in the room!)
Would you like to encourage your spouse AND strengthen their heart?
Spend time hugging.
A hug. Sixty Seconds. One minute.
Benefits from hugging – research done by the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill :
Higher levels of Oxytocin. Oxytocin has been linked to feelings of contentment, calmness, security, bonding, and trust. Higher levels decrease anxiety and fear. Physiologically, oxytocin causes the “letdown reflex” for nursing moms, uterine contraction, and increased wound healing. All good stuff, right?
Lowered Blood Pressure. About 1 in 3 adults in the USA has high blood pressure. (I do. Rob doesn’t.) How is your blood pressure? How about your spouse? In the above study, it was shown that hugging reduces blood pressure. Healthy blood pressure is linked to decreased risk of: coronary heart disease, kidney disease, and stroke. Apparently a healthy heart is good to have!
Take the time to hug your spouse.
Hug.
Chest to Chest.
Hug. From behind.
Hug.
Lying down, standing up, sitting on the couch, inside, outside, on the street, in the kitchen, at the door, in the car, morning, noon, and night, at the top of the hour, at the quarter hour, at breakfast, at bedtime, hug hard, hug long, hug with both arms wrapped around each other.
And then do it again.
And again.
Hugs feel good. They’re beneficial for your heart.
When was the last time you hugged your spouse for 60-seconds?
Leave a comment – let’s start a hugging epidemic!
Linking up with
Happy Wives Club – Why I love my husband!
(As you can imagine, I love Rob because he always – everyday for the last 30+ years – has hugged me. 😉 )
ps – I’m a blogger – not a doctor. I have no training in health care.
If, for some reason your doctor says you shouldn’t hug – please don’t…. 😛 😎
Jan 8, 2013
Our senses provide a plethora of input.
When you’re in love, seeing your spouse – even a picture of the one you love – brings a smile to your lips. We buy our spouses smelly stuff like cologne or perfume or lotion to delight the senses. We feed each other strawberries dipped in chocolate, and whisper sweet words, but our ability to feel our spouse – the sense of touch – can work like magic.
Give it some thought…
Our sight is found in one body part – the eyes. And hearing, taste, and smell are each also only found in one body part. But our sense of touch – the ability to feel – is found everywhere, on every square inch of a healthy body.
A study done in 2011 at John Hopkins University showed how specialized neurons in the skin feel different movements and vibrations. It’s complex. David Ginty, Ph.D., professor of neuroscience at Johns Hopkins says “Touch is not yes or no; it’s very rich…”.
I’m sure you’re not surprised. You know how rich the sense of touch is.
You’ve run your fingers through your spouse’s hair, or tickled them, or traced their eyebrows with a gentle finger. You’ve wrapped your arms around your spouse and hugged them till they squeaked and blown bubbles on their bare tummy. You’ve made love.
Touch is like colors – many hued.
Every nerve ending in our skin has the ability to feel. With another study in 2006, participants were able to decode emotions from a single touch on the forearm, all while blindfolded. They were able detect anger, fear, love, gratitude and sympathy from a simple touch.
One touch.
Do you grab every opportunity to touch the one you love?
Perhaps touch – or the lack thereof – is cultural.
A thought provoking study was done by Sidney Jourard (1926-1974), a pioneer in the fields of body-awareness and self-disclosure. This psychologist went to cafés/restaurants in a few cities around the world and watched couples interact. While he was there, he counted how many times those couples touched each other.
In Paris – couples touched each other an average of 115 times in an hour. Couples in Mexico City topped Paris by 70 – those couples touched each other an average of 185 times. In London couples didn’t touch each other at all, and in a city in Florida, the average was just twice.
Couples in America touched each other an average of 2 times in an hour.
How about you?
How often, when you’re sitting with your spouse, do you touch each other?
You know that old saying, “Reach out and touch someone.” …
Perhaps tonight – is the night!
Encouragement is more than words.
Sometimes a pat on the back,
a shoulder rub,
a kiss and a hug
is the perfect way to add some heart into your relationship.
Jan 2, 2013
When we homeschooled I was privileged to spend some time with a mom with 12 children. Yes. You read that correctly. Twelve. And she was pregnant with another.
Her husband was a violinist in the symphony – I knew this because of the framed music, and photos of him in his tuxedo in orchestra pits. They lived in a huge old house with wood floors, three stories high, towering maples in the backyard and a kitchen where muffins were always being baked. The youngest child, a baby not yet walking and still nursing, would disappear with one of the oldest children and the mom would need to search for her when it was time to nurse.
Alex, our son, loved to visit this household. His favorite part was always having someone available to set up a board game and get the younger kids started. The yard was an extension of the house, with leaf piles to jump into in the fall, snow sculptures, or a garden in other seasons.
Posted on their ‘fridge was a list of 100 things to do instead of being bored. (I remember being very impressed.)
This home was organized and neat. But not pristine. It was filled with art-work, crafts and musical instruments, all in progress of being created/played and then displayed.
Life was being lived in this home – and there was evidence everywhere. Just by walking into the home you got a sense of lives lived with meaning and purpose.
Why is this important?
Neat or not-so-neat – it doesn’t matter. Take a look around your home. From where you’re sitting, what can you see?
Do you see a decorated house?
Or a household filled with meaning, where life is being fully lived and documented?
Leaving clues.
I remember the above household, even after 15 years, because it screamed and teamed with life that had everything to do with the people living there. Social scientists sift through garbage to identify what a culture values. What clues are in your home about the life you’re living?
What are you reading?
When I first entered the house we’re currently living in, there was a huge leather chair and ottoman in front of the fireplace. On the ottoman was a Bible and a journal lying open – just as the seller had left it that morning. Clues. I knew that the woman who lived in this house read the Bible before she left for work. Contrast this with another house we considered purchasing where all the books on the shelves had something to do with the occult. Evidence of a life being lived…
What do you see?
Do you have a library of DVDs? If you do, look at the titles. What does it say about your life with your spouse? What about your artwork? Does it reflect your values – your pleasures – the direction God has you moving toward? What’s on your ‘fridge?
Do you have any cards displayed from those your love? Does your spouse? Note: If your spouse’s love language is words of affirmation, do they have anything to display from you? If their love language is quality time, do you have something to document the two of you doing something together? (you get the idea)
What stories could a stranger tell about your life if all they did was walk through your house?
If you’re leading a meaning filled life…
It’s a new year. How will you make this year better? More? Is there some way to measure your progress? Maybe it’s time for a new tactic:
Document your Life – don’t just decorate.
A decorated house is wonderful. But wait. There’s more…
Part of living a meaning-filled life with your spouse is encouraging hope for the future. What is your spouse interested in doing? What do you enjoy doing together? Is there evidence of those activities in your home to tell your story?
Maybe it’s time to do a cleaning out of items that no longer tell your current story
– and maybe it’s time to add a few?
Some of us (and I include myself in that “some”) are hung up about Pinterest. Oh, it’s seductive. So many pretty pictures, so many ideas. We’re so busy pinning stuff to our digital boards, that we may neglect actually – um – … doing! Turn off the TV. Log out of Pinterest.
What’s missing from your story together? Sometimes it takes one spouse to take action.
Be the one who starts…
What will you & your spouse document doing together -this week – for a great story in 2013?
This is post #2 for the Ultimate Blog Challenge/Celebration.
Dec 7, 2012
It’s holiday time.
- the decorations are out of storage and strewn about (Or carefully placed, according to your style of decorating),
- the cookies are baking,
- the lights are illuminating the front of your house,
- the gifts are being wrapped,
- the nativity scene is set out,
- the children are practicing for their Christmas programs at school & church,
- cards to friends & relatives are addressed (or already sent),
- chestnuts are roasting (Have you ever eaten a roasted chestnut? I’d like to know what it tastes like…),
- carols are being sung by the fire.
So many things to do... Have you spent any time with your spouse – planning?
As wonderful as this time of holly and mistletoe may be, it’s important to take time to plan.
Plan. Plan what, you ask?
There are three areas often forgotten in this season of festivity. Maybe they’re overlooked. Or perhaps these three items are just plain ignored. It might be different in your household, but from experience and observation of others, I believe these three areas are best addressed proactively.
Money.
Oh, my.
Did I say the “M” word out loud?
Drat.
As difficult as the topic of finances are – all year ’round – the month of December brings special joy. Do you and your spouse have a set budget for this time of year?
Budgets.
Maybe this topic is a bit touchy. Can I have a show of hands?
(If I’m candid, I’d raise my own hand.)
It’s so easy to procrastinate on this topic. It’s so easy to leave the thinking till January. It’s so easy to ignore that small, still voice that whispers to you in the check-out lane, or at the online shop just as you put in your credit-card number.
2013 is coming…
Plan a realistic, relationship-healthy, holiday budget with your spouse – now.
Perhaps only use a predetermined amount of cash and Dave Ramsey’s “envelope” solution. (At the end of this post are links to articles elsewhere on the web on this topic.)
Imagine going into January 2013 with a sense of ease over your spending during December. Wouldn’t that feel good? Husbands & wives who encourage each other do more than just use their voices – they take action to encourage their spouse. Money is a huge topic – and whoever is the money-manager in your household will appreciate your actions to make things easier for 2013.
Encouragers use their actions to make the world around them better.
Intimacy
If you’re a man or woman – it makes no difference – the month of December is busier than normal. There are more distractions, more interactions, and more over-reactions. Emotions are high. DEFCON high.
(Just being real here…)
Children are home. Visitors are dropping by and family members are coming to stay. Perhaps you’re traveling over Christmas.
When will you take time OUT to be intimate with your spouse?
(No. The answer is not January.)
Spontaneity is awesome. But in the month of December, spontaneous combustion is a bonus.
Give your spouse the gift of planned intimacy.
Send the kids away overnight – or put yourself and them to bed early. (It can’t be too early if Mom & Dad are going to bed too, can it?) Or plan to put your smart-phone under your pillow, on a buzzer alarm for 3AM, and take turns giving each other the tingles. Come home early from work – and connect. Send the guests out shopping so you can do some exploration of your own. Oh, there are so many ways to be creative about intimacy. It just takes a little planning.
I don’t usually delve into the delicacies of this topic – but I have awesome partners in the Christian Marriage Bloggers Association who handle every part of intimacy in marriage with posts that I admire. At the bottom of this post you’ll find some links.
Be proactive about intimacy in your marriage – it’s another way to encourage your spouse with a bit of action! 😉
Faith
But wait a second, isn’t December and Christmas all about faith?
Yes.
We’ve already celebrated the first Sunday of Advent. I just lit our first candle on our Advent wreath at the dinner table. I can see the promise of Christ’s birth represented by the middle candle.
I’m playing Christmas hymns on the piano at church.
“Come, O come, Emanuel” * “Silent Night, Holy Night” * “Joy to the World”
Christ Jesus was born – He was the culmination of a divine promise for mankind’s salvation. He is my Savior through His sacrifice on the cross. By anticipating His birth every year, I am reminded that He will come again.
Are we seeking God’s will for more than this month – how are we preparing for 2013?
Are you praying to see where God wants you to go – spiritually, relationally, financially – in 2013?
For the last two years I’ve embraced a concept that uses one word as a focus for the year. Just one word.
In 2011 my word was “uncomfortable”. Someone challenged me that my focus on comfort was not serving me well. I felt spiritually convicted. After much prayer I adopted that word for 2011.
For 2012 I was much more proactive – I even found a site that promoted this concept: OneWord365. Again, after prayer and more prayer, my word for 2012 was “Connect”. ( I wrote about it here.)
How are you and your spouse planning for 2013 – where is your focus on faith for 2013?
Spouses who encourage each other focus on a hopeful future…
Where is there more Hope found than in the God of Hope?
“Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” Romans 15:13
If you’re interested in exploring ways to “Plan” – here are some links:
Articles About the Envelope System & Budgeting:
Articles About Intimacy from CMBA members:
Please explore all the sites of the Christian Marriage Bloggers Association (CMBA) – they’re a fount of Godly insight.
Planning a direction for 2013? OneWord365
Any links or resources you’d like to add about planning?
Just leave a comment! Let’s share.
Linking up with:
http://www.servingjoyfully.com * http://www.joleneengle.org * http://aproverbs31wife.com * http://www.gracelaced.com * http://www.thebettermom.com
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