Adventures in Marriage {5 benefits when you get out of your comfort zone}

Adventures in Marriage {5 benefits when you get out of your comfort zone}

These days we’re babysitting.

Correction.

Puppy-sitting.

puppy not conducive to working

Our son and daughter-in-love have adopted a puppy. And by default, so have Robert and I.

Our son has a business, and this dog is going to be his business’ mascot. (Once it learns to do its business outside!) Until that point, the puppy visits us in our home when Alex needs to be in the studio.

Rob and I work from home.

We’re kinda comfortable in our routine – he’s in his office at one end of our little cottage in the woods, and I work in the sunroom at the other end of the house. Now and again we pass in the hallway,

cuppa tea

and share a cuppa tea and a bite between meals.

Comfortable, right?
Get Cozy this Fall at Stash Tea
This puppy has provided everything except comfort!

But it has been an adventure around the Ferguson house lately. Have you ever gone to a dog park? Yah – that was an adventure… this puppy can hold her own with a full-grown pit bull. (sigh)

So – this juxtaposition between comfort and adventure has made me realize…

Comfort is not Conducive to Adventure

Having the puppy in our daytime lives has made it clear that comfort and adventure cannot be put in the same sentence. And as wonderful as comfort in marriage can be – it’s not as fun as an adventure. Every couple’s definition of adventure is going to be different.

  • Some couples are nomads – living out of suitcases and touring the world. (I wrote a post about 3 couples who live this way – click HERE to read it! And there’s a family of 6 who have been doing this for years.)
  • Some couples start a family business.
  • Other couples adopt children.
  • Some couples take care of a new puppy and all the adventures that entails.
  • There are couples who go on mission trips for weeks and years at a time.
  • Some couples go on safari – or get lost while hiking their neighborhood trails.
  • A few couples emigrate to other countries. (and others move from one city to another on the spur of the moment)
  • Many couples build new homes. (or oversee the construction of their home)
  • Some families educate their children at home. (BTW – I’m a ‘graduated’ homeschooling mom!)
  • Other families open their homes to couch-surfers – or go couch-surfing themselves!
  • Most couples encounter the adventure of an empty nest at some time.
  • Some couples pursue a degree to change professions.
  • A few couples take on the challenge of living fully in the face of an illness, or advancing age.
  • And for some, driving a different direction to go to the grocery store can be an adventure… 😉

What’s your definition of “adventure”?

exciting

unusual

bold

risky

No matter what you consider an adventure, there are at least 5 benefits for your marriage:

5 Benefits of Adventure in Marriage

1.  Planning for and before an adventure can fill you with hope for the future.

2.  Adventures build your faith in God and His goodness, because sometimes all your own efforts won’t make stuff work, but adding God into the equation can allow everything to add up.

3.  Experiencing an adventure together cements your bond – your love can grow strong(er).

4.  Praying together before, during and after an adventure develops your connection with each other and God. In prayer, you can really hear your spouse’s heart.

5.  Adventures grow your ability to take action together. Supporting your spouse while in the adventure builds a team-work marriage. You know what they say, right? Teamwork makes the dream work!

Leave your comfort zone!

An immense adventure – or a small adventure – maybe multiple adventures… give it a try. An adventure is not as scary as you’d think.

What’s your next adventure with your spouse going to be?

Adventures in Marriage 5 benefits

The Tangy Taste of Encouragement – Take Action!

The Tangy Taste of Encouragement – Take Action!

Cooking is not my favorite thing to do.

Like most married people, responsible for feeding the mouths in the house, I’ve perfected a few favorites. And when all else fails, there’s always sauce from a jar dumped over spaghetti.

Yes – I can hear all you chefs, and cooks, and gourmet people who actually LIKE to cook gasping… 😉

There’s one glitch in my philosophy:

My husband likes to eat!

Robert is pretty easy to get along with about food. He’s happy with left-overs, and never complains about having “that” again. But a great meal is certainly one way to perk him up.

I do make his favorites – but sometimes a new recipe can add some spice…

Encouragement to try something new.

One of my favorite blogs to read is by two friends – Tammie &  Alessa – called Carolina Heart Strings.  A few weeks ago they wrote about a recipe for Sweet Potato-Cider Creamed Soup.

I was intrigued. It had all the ingredients to perk up my hubby…

  • Rob likes soup
  • Rob likes creamy things
  • Rob likes sweet potatoes
  • Rob likes apple cider

AND it seemed easy!

It sounded like a winner…

Off to the Raleigh Farmer’s Market I went to get the ingredients…

raleigh market fall 2013

 And then it was time to cook…

I cheated a bit and cooked the sweet potatoes in the apple cider, but did follow the instructions by sauteing the onions and garlic in bacon drippings. It smelled delicious!

cooking sweet potatoes for soup

(Robert came out of his office and down the hall to investigate the yummy smell – anticipation is part of the joy, eh?)

After mashing the potatoes I added the spices – cinnamon, nutmeg, and ginger. (the ginger was suggested by another commenter on the post) I couldn’t find any paprika in my cupboard, so I left it out…

Then I finished the soup according to the directions, and served it!

Sweet Potato Cider Soup from Carolina Heart Strings

 

Robert was impressed – it was sweet and tangy at the same time. He said this would fit into a fancy restaurant any day!

And since we’ve become soup connoisseurs after our 12 days of soup, I think you can trust him 😉

Thanks for the encouragement, Alessa!

Sometimes the cook needs to be encouraged to try something new – and that, in turn, encourages her/his spouse!

Want to try the Sweet Potato-Cider Soup?

Click HERE for the recipe!

When was the last time you tried a new recipe that you knew your spouse would like? What was it?

Encourage Your Spouse – Support with Action!

Who are you trying to attract?

What you wear will either encourage or discourage

…your spouse.

And influence those around you.

I’m suggesting we all need to be deliberate in some areas of our appearance.

3 Things 

When this initial post began it had 3 points – and was much too long.

So I divided it into three parts.  This is the second post out of three.

  1. Do you look like you’re married? (click to read the first part)
  2. Are you highlighting what he/she enjoys?
  3. What are your cues?

Part 2 – Are you highlighting what he or she enjoys?

And if you are – what are the repercussions?

(This second point may tweak a few noses out of joint, or cause some discussion.)

When I searched for the topic of dressing modestly there were over 1.5 million results focused on how women should be modestly dressed. Yup. Big Topic. Conversely I got only 21,000 results when I searched for dressing modestly as a man…

So, for those of you who might not know, there’s a movement within some Christian circles toward an observance of modesty. For women – high necklines, long skirts and shoulders covered is at one end of a spectrum. The belief behind this modesty movement is to protect a woman’s dignity and avoid visual temptation for men. I’m imagining the same modest standards would be true for men – appropriately fitted clothing and covering up those stunning chest and arm muscles.

How you choose to dress is between you and your spouse, and your understanding of what pleases God. (Although I suggest looking at 1Corinthians 8 )

What’s my point?

Do you know what your spouse thinks of your clothing?

Is what you’re wearing pleasing to your spouse – both for their own delight, and how she/he feels when you are out in public? Is it a bit much?

Have you had this conversation? Recently? What was true 5 years ago may not be the same now…

As in all things in marriage, you’re not here to please only yourself. Shocking concept, I know. Our 1st world culture is inundated with messages to make the most of ourselves in every way (including our appearance), regardless of how our choices are translated.

Using our body can attract our spouse or distract others. 

Guys are visual creatures. If women wear clothing which provocatively reveal what naturally attracts (eg legs or breasts) then, no matter how awesome and Godly a guy, they’ll fall prey…

A small story from my father-in-law’s youth illustrates this concept:

In 1947 Charles was 17. As a basketball player in an all boys school, he was driving home from a game with his buddies. This rival school was co-ed so there were girls also leaving the game. His eyes focused on some young ladies walking on the sidewalk and apparently those young beauties had some lovely legs.

When the car in front of him stopped, Charles failed to notice and hit it. The driver of this black Cadillac happened to be the wife of the Chief of Police of  Toronto  Ontario (Canada). The damage was minimal, but the lady still took his license number.

When Charles arrived home his Dad said, “I hear you had an accident!”  Apparently the wife of the Chief of Police had shared her experience. And Charles was instructed to keep his eyes on the road – not the young lovelies!

Perhaps you have a similar story in your family history?  Perhaps it’s a less innocent story. And of course, for all of us, we have the sobering Biblical example of King David and Bathsheba…

Do you desire to attract your spouse?

Ladies – I’m sure you’re aware which bits on your body attract your spouse – that’s all a part of the beautiful experience of sex in marriage.* (see below)

However –
If choosing to dress your ‘attractive bits’ is for the benefit for others – or for your own ego boost – perhaps it’s time to ponder?  This is as relevant for men as it is for women. We all – men and women – need to be aware of why we’re leaving body parts more bare – or accentuated – than they need to be.

Our 1st-world culture is so sex-obsessed we may be going down a path that’ll lead to heartache – or heartbreak…

A Healthy Approach to Sex in Marriage

A healthy and enjoyable intimate life is essential to a great marriage. There will be times (or years) when sex is less emphasized than you, your spouse or both of you wish.

I don’t write candidly about sex – it’s not what I’m called to do.  However there are those in the CMBA who have great posts on sex in marriage. Debi at The Romantic Vineyard has a valuable list of posts.

And because I do agree that sex in marriage is very important, and that it takes both husband and wife to work together on making it great *I wanted to point you to a practical resource. I’m including a link to Sheila Gregoire’s book, “31 Days to Great Sex” as an option.  

(affiliate link)

None of us – whether married 8 months or more than 30 years have got it all together…  Sex in marriage is a work in progress, so who will enjoy this ebook?

  • Newlyweds who want to start off well
  • Couples for whom life has become blah and too routine
  • Couples who have almost given up hope that sex can become great
  • Couples in conflict because one spouse wants sex more frequently than the other
Sheila does an admirable job covering how to focus on being attractive to your spouse – including what we wear – and how to talk and move through the whole topic while not buying into the whole sex-obsessed culture.
I’m sure it won’t amaze you that sex in marriage is a lot more than just the mechanics…

Have you had a conversation with your spouse about modesty?

The last post of this 3-point topic is about how you provide cues for your spouse and others to know what’s important to you. See you tomorrow!

 

When Comfort Doesn’t Serve

When Comfort Doesn’t Serve

What happens when a group of ladies gather?

It depends on their focus.

On Saturday March 2nd I had the opportunity to gather with a group of ladies.

To be candid, a few weeks before I’d accepted online to attend this meeting, but hesitated that bright Saturday morning. I actually pressed the “will not attend” button to change my status. (Not that anyone would have noticed, I’m sure.)

Why did I not want to attend? This weekend was shaping up to be a privilege – 3 whole days alone at home because Robert was speaking at a conference in Florida. (Those of you who are introverts understand the value of “alone” time.) The idea of doing my hair and dressing up to sit in a room full of strangers was not appealing compared to lounging in quiet – all alone!

However. I sat at the computer after changing my status to “not going”, and felt an odd surge of… I don’t know… compulsion? As attractive as staying at home was, I needed to go.

So I went.

LeadHer

The focus of this meeting was the organization, LeadHer.  It was an invitation to share what the local LeadHer group was doing and to invite ladies in our area to become involved.

What’s LeadHer?  This nonprofit is focused on encouraging and equipping women to make a deeper impact on the world around them for Christ.

Imagine a group of ladies gathering to strengthen and grow in the Gospel of Christ – where age, socio-economic background, race, denomination affiliation or growth in Christ is not a barrier.

Imagine a group where the focus is to impact the world for Christ – first by being rooted in the Word, then by being supported by the strength of other sisters-in-Christ standing firm side-by-side, and lastly being able to spread out wide like the heavy-laden, leaf-filled branches of a tree to share Christ’s love.

Yeah. Yeah. A-huh.

Sounds good, right?

What really happened…

Exactly what was described.

Seriously.

Where I sat & a challenge.

I sat at the edge of the room with my back against the wall. (I would have chosen the last row, but all those seats were taken.)  The meeting began.  We were asked a challenging question by Erika Jackson, a member of the national board:

“What would it look like if you let the Holy Spirit work through you to your full potential?”*

And then we turned to share our answer with those around us.

What inspiring conversations! It didn’t matter if one was unclear of what a particular purpose was – the other ladies encouraged. I heard big focuses – like building orphanages. I heard huge desires, and compelling stories. What was common? A passion to be used by God and share Christ’s love.

The formal part of the meeting began. Deep stories of impact were shared by the founder and team leaders. Tears were shed, tissues were engaged, laughter swept through the room. Heads were nodding, and I heard a few faint “ah-hah” affirmations in the southern church-lady style.

Then the presentation ended.

An Easy Connection

The young woman beside me began a conversation. Now, beginning a conversation can feel stilted and contrived, but ours was an easy connection. She shared her passion and business focus. In addition to selling Mary Kay, Javan is also a calligrapher. I expressed my admiration, and was able to share my unfocused desire to find some tangible product for husbands and wives to use when  encouraging each other.  It amazed us how the Lord could sit us side-by-side and connect an artistic gift with a desire.

Then Javan shared her heart’s passion.  She’s a mom of a small child. She’s also a mom to four miscarried infants.  This pain and a Godly prompting is leading her to minister to other moms who find themselves in the same place of indescribable grief – losing a child before it can take a breath.  She’s begun by creating a Facebook Page where these moms can share: Mothers of Miscarried Infants (MOMI)

But Wait – That’s Not All

We chatted for quite a while, as her mom was talking with someone else. Javan continued to exclaim that her mom and I had so much in common.  We agreed we should meet at another time, and shared contact information.

I then had a chance to meet and greet with a few other ladies in the room, including the founder of LeadHer – Christie Love. I asked for a photo from her and Sarah Fotopulos (Chapter Development Director) ’cause I knew I wanted to write about my experience that morning.

I met a few more ladies, and then decided to call it a morning.  (after all, I still had the rest of the day to rejoice in being alone!)

But no.  God had other ideas. As I walked to my truck – Javan and her mom were waiting. They invited me to lunch. They said they didn’t want to let the opportunity pass by, but rather grab hold and explore the connection God had provided.

We did.

Over lunch we three ladies shared. We were vulnerable. A mom and daughter invited a (former) stranger into their company and ministered and encouraged her. Their insights and Holy-Spirit inspired words spoke into my heart. I tried to also be a blessing for them in their desires and pursuits.

Add It Up

My day included:

  • connecting with ladies from every race, denomination & background – no barriers
  • glorifying God together – sharing what God has done in our lives
  • being encouraged & supported by other Christ-like women
  • sharing Christ’s love with each other
  • a flow of blessing with a promise of a future harvest

This is exactly the vision of LeadHer.

I encourage you to check out their website:  LeadHer.org  – see if there’s a chapter near you.  (If you’re a guy reading this – suggest this to your wife!)

What does this have to do with encouraging your spouse?

Yes – what does this day I experienced have to do with encouraging my spouse?  It was all ladies. Robert was three states away, involved in our business pursuits. How could my involvement encourage him?

Taking Initiative – this both surprised Rob & showed him my support for our mission.

Robert is out and about often. He’s comfortable speaking with groups, and networking. He’s excellent at interviewing people and making new connections in person.  He’s able to speak in a group with ease and authority. Me? Not so much. I’ll often decline to attend functions and he goes alone. The last number of interviews he’s done on his own.  (Are you getting the picture?)

Our mission is to help husbands and wives lead meaningful lives.  I support this mission online. He’s out there speaking and traveling, meeting people and talking to groups.

Our spouse is encouraged when  we  take action.

Our spouse can’t “make” us do anything. I’m blessed with a spouse that doesn’t set conditions or requirements before he  encourages  – he accepts with love what I contribute. But I know he would appreciate if I stretched.

It was a total surprise to him that I moved out of my comfort zone to attend this gathering. He expressed how pleased and proud he was of my actions. I felt validated and he felt supported. It was a win-win.

Where can you step out  – step up?

Is comfort your modus-operandi? Perhaps your comfort isn’t serving you well…

Are there places where your “stretching” and growing and discomfort can be a support and encouragement for your spouse?

Is there some area in which you’ve been fighting God (or ignoring His call) where He wants to bless you – but your comfort is more important to you?

(Tough questions. Sorry.)

What’s your perspective?  Leave a comment – I’m interested in your stories…

* I  believe this was the “challenging question”. It’s the essence, anyway….

Thankful to link with

Matrimonial Mondays   |  Finding Family  |  Titus 2sdays  |  Teach Me Tuesdays

Domestically Divine Tuesdays

 

Encourage Uniqueness

Encourage Uniqueness

Husbands and wives are different.

Just being a male and a female ensures you won’t be alike. Physically that’s true. There are books written about how men and women think and process ideas differently. ( Books like:  Men Are Like Waffles–Women Are Like Spaghetti: Understanding and Delighting in Your Differences .)

But uniqueness goes deeper than the physical and the mental ways husbands and wives connect. You know what I’m talking about – your spouse is not like anyone else in this universe and all eternity.

In what ways is your spouse unique?

Have you ever made a list of ways – a combination of qualities –  your spouse is unlike anyone else you know? (Hey now – I’m talking about the good stuff! Stay with me…)

Robert and I are together most days – all day. We write and work from home unless we’re with clients or traveling to speak. (Though we even do that together sometimes.)  I’ve known Robert since he was 17 years old. We know each other very well – so well that sometimes he just looks at the expression on my face and can “read” me.  Conversely, I know what he’s feeling when his lips are held tight together and colorless. (Not a good sign, btw)

You’d think that with all this time together we’d run out of things to talk about or always agree because we’re so meshed together.  Not true.  At all.

Robert is unique – God has made this man special in every way.  He usually comes at any task or challenge in a way that I would not have considered. And visa-versa. He knows me so well – yet he says I surprise him constantly. It’s deeper than just a male/female thing.

Our uniqueness is God-given. God designed. And ever-growing.

I’m guessing you realize that the person you married is not the same today as when you were first married. We all grow and change – that process alone makes us unique. Our walk with God – our depth of faith and experiences of faith cause us to grow. Sometimes it’s the hardships and challenges that develop our uniqueness especially quickly.

Do you know the unique person your spouse is today? Or are you only assuming he or she is the same…

Take time to consider your spouse’s unique qualities.

~~~~~~~~~~

How?  One way is to pull out all the photos.

I did this last week. I was looking for a specific photo of Robert taken on the day we were engaged 30 years ago. That led to a few hours of a photo safari.  An emotional safari. So many good and happy moments are documented in pictures. There’s also sadness because people are no longer in our lives because of death or circumstance.  There are even emotions of regret and longing because certain aspects will never be experienced again.

In those photos I saw Robert go from a teenager, to a young husband, move forward to a young father, then in business, back to University, serving God in many capacities, navigating a corporate career, and leading at home, at work and in faith.

Some qualities have remained the same – Robert’s dedication and pursuit of a relationship with Christ, his gentleness and his consistent optimism.  Other qualities have shown up over the years like wisdom and focus and fortitude.

(And before you go and roll your eyes – yes… both Robert and I have faults. Ha.  We show our uniqueness-es in our areas of weakness too. But this post is about encouragement while focusing on strengths.)

Identifying Uniqueness

Before you can encourage your spouse’s uniqueness,  you need to identify what it is about your spouse that is unique.  Some of us don’t give this much thought.

Perhaps in a summer or spring season of marriage it’s not too hard to think about the positive uniqueness of your spouse. However, I’d imagine focusing on positive uniqueness-es is more difficult if you’re going through a winter season in your marriage – where there’s a lot of chilly moments, with emotional gales and blizzards. (Read Gary Chapman’s The 4 Seasons of Marriage: Secrets to a Lasting Marriage to delve into this concept.)

Are you struggling to put into words what is unique about your spouse?

Can you identify the values that are important to your spouse – qualities which are non-negotiables? Robert has been working with values for a number of years now. He’s defined over 400 values. If you’re struggling to identify your spouse’s unique qualities, download Robert’s free eBook – all the value words are there at the end of the book.

Go through the list of 423 words and mark off those values – qualities – that you identify as uniquely belonging to your spouse. There will be a collection.

And before you think that anyone can have the same collection – it’s not true.

Robert does an exercise in his presentations with groups of 50 – 80 and more than 100 people.  He has them go through these 400+ words and choose their top 3 values. Then he requests one person to read their top 3 values.  He asks the group if anyone else shares at least one of these values.  A number of hands will rise.  He then asks if these people share two of the same values as the chosen person. Many hands drop. Lastly he asks if any of the people with their hands still raised share all three of the values of the chosen person…  In every exercise, not one hand remains raised.  The chosen person who first read his top three values is unique in that room. No one shares his 3 values.  (If it would happen that there was another person in the room with the same values, Robert would ask them what their 4th value was – it’s almost numerically impossible to match 4 values.)

Encouraging your spouse’s uniqueness.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Now that you know your spouse’s unique qualities or values – how can you encourage your spouse in that area?

Start small.  Talk about what you believe are your spouse’s unique qualities. Your first goal is to be sure that she or he also feels those qualities are positive.

  • Affirm your spouse’s uniqueness by noticing when they’re using that value. Encouragement is about being present and paying attention.
  • Help along. Become invested in those areas of uniqueness in your spouse. Look for ways in which to complement (enhance & complete) those qualities in your spouse. God put you two together for reason!
  • Pray for your spouse – ask God to use your spouse in His way to glorify Him. (after-all, it’s God that made your spouse unique)
  • Accept with grace your spouse’s unique qualities. Stop kvetching. Remove the conditions and move toward embracing your spouse’s uniqueness.  Love your spouse without the barrier of your own opinions.
  • Look Forward – There will be ways in which God will open avenues and opportunities for your spouse. Our Great God is about possibility. There is nothing that can stand in the way of His will. (Unless it’s us humans who use the gift of free will to get in His way.)

God made your spouse unique – your husband or wife is special.

Just like no two snow-flakes are the same, and even identical twins (paternal/maternal from the same egg & sperm) are not the same and no finger print or iris pattern is identical…

 your spouse is unique.

In what ways is your spouse unique?

Leave a comment – let’s share the uniqueness of the wife or husband God has given us! 

How has your spouse shown this uniqueness?  How have you encouraged her or him?

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