Robert and I were at a wedding this weekend – a lovely young man & woman promised to love and respect each other all the days of their life.
You’ve been to weddings. I’m sure you can imagine the environment.
Beautiful church. Guests dressed in their best. Music filling the space. A slight hum of excitement hanging in the air as the groom and his buddies stand at the front of the church. The murmurings as beautiful bridesmaids glide down the aisle, each holding their flower bouquet. The chuckles and smiles as the little flower girl drops her rose petals to prepare the way for the bride.
Then the music swells. The guests rise from their seats and all eyes turn to see the bride on her father’s arm. She’s glowing. The clicking and flashing from cameras come from every angle – and then… she reaches her bridegroom.
Ah. That moment. When bride and bridegroom stand beside each other – before God and the congregation of people who wish them life-long happiness.
It’s the culmination of months of expended energy and funds. All the mix-ups, and mess-ups are forgotten. All the anxieties and flares of temper are irrelevant. All the decisions and plans are completed.
This moment is what was important. Now it’s here.
The congregation settles. The minister begins.
And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to which also you were called in one body; and be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly in all wisdom, teaching and admonishing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with grace in your hearts to the Lord. And whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him.
This is the Bible verse the minister chose for this young couple’s wedding – the beginning of their life together.
Take a moment and read it – again.
(It’s from Colossians 3)
Beautiful direction, huh?
Then the minister got a little personal – he talked about how marriage is going to be hard. He talked about how we bring into our marriages our experiences – where one family does it one way and the other family does it differently. Things like a dinner hour – or things like…
Toilet paper.
Over or under?
He said that at the beginning of a marriage there’s a right way to put on the toilet paper roll – and a wrong way. (Of course this was an illustration of many areas of building a life together.) This young couple will need to leave behind their family of origin’s ‘ways’ of doing things and build their own way.
“In a mature marriage what matters is that there IS toilet paper there when you need it – not which way it’s loaded!” The minister concluded the humorous thought – and all us long-term married people smirked and nodded.
A Mature Marriage
Are we there yet?
Does the peace of God rule in our hearts?
Are we thankful?
Does the Word of Christ live in us – giving us wisdom?
Oh yes – I imagine that we’re “there” – sometimes.
Have we let go of our parents’ ways – and built our own marriage?
I believe this is the beginning of a mature marriage: “That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.” Genesis 2:24
One Flesh
United.
What do you and your spouse agree on?
Building a mature marriage is about agreeing – and living – as one flesh. United.
Have you taken the time – expended the energy – to find a way to become One Flesh that agrees upon the important areas in your life? It is possible. It takes work. And time. And letting go…
What have you let go from your parents’ ways of living?
What have you brought forward into your marriage – that ‘fits’ the 2 of you?
If you’d like to pursue a ‘one flesh’ marriage, there’s lots of wisdom shared at One Flesh Marriage by Brad & Kate Aldrich!
and here’s to the young couple…
Wishing you much joy Joel & Abbie! And may that joy grow exponentially all through your marriage!
Robert and I are spending time at our son’s business – Your Local Studio. He has a ‘green room’ with a couch, etc. and the studio where he films. Rob and I are in the ‘green room’.
Both of us are writing. Or trying to write…
Robert is preparing to write about optimism in marriage for his Thursday blog post and is researching quotes on optimism. (Optimism is one of our differentiating values as a couple.)
Neither of us are getting much writing done, because all we’re doing is laughing and quipping about all the quotes! Here are a few that have us in stitches:
“Negative thinking destroys your brain cells and causes global warming. Source: The Scientific Institute of GetOverIt!” ~Dodinsky
“Just because you’re miserable doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy your life.” ~Annette Goodheart
“Every thought is a seed. If you plant crab apples, don’t count on harvesting Golden Delicious.” ~Bill Meyer
“A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.” ~Herm Albright, quoted in Reader’s Digest, June 1995
“Men who never get carried away should be.” ~Malcolm Forbes
Yesterday Robert and I had the opportunity to hear a gentleman share his story. He began by speaking of his experiences playing football with his brothers, and showed us footage from a 1971 high school football game.
In the footage all three brothers were on the field.
He used his cursor to point out their positions. (As I’m not familiar with how football is played, the words just went in one ear and out the other.) What I saw on the screen was a group of players running and tackling each other.
One of the three brothers, 16 year old Phil Hughston, was injured in this game. Dave said Phil’s spinal chord was severed. After a brave fight over a number of weeks, Phil died.
Dave Hughston went on to describe how his brother – a young leader in sport and in academics – has had a great impact on people till today, regardless of his death at 16. The local bank created the “Phil Hughston Memorial Award” and it has enabled many young people in the Charlotte/Mecklenberg counties of North Carolina to attend college. But more than that – each student awarded has needed to excel in all areas of their life before they qualified to win.
The award is for students who Excel. (Dave says he’s read some of the backgrounds of those who applied, and he would never have been able to qualify.)
To commemorate this award, a sculpture was commissioned from Frederick C. Hasenzahl called “The Urge to Excel”. The *sculpture (which Dave borrowed from his mother’s china cabinet under ‘pain of death’) details a young man emerging with great energy from a rock. His face is pointed away from the rock, with one arm outstretched.
Dave Hughston, the presenter, then went on to speak on how leadership comes from the Urge to Excel. He listed six points to remember:
We are all leaders.
Excellence comes before Leadership
You have to pull yourself out of the rock (of mediocrity) by doing what you love.
Remember “Love is a Decision” – you make the choice of what you love.
Develop a goal. Create a vision. Write it down.
Do it – practice leadership/your goal – every day.
Listening to Dave Hughston speak gave me a sense of his urge to excel – to compete and win. From his introduction I know he is a leader in his company. His wife was in the group listening to Dave speak, and he referred to her a number of times. One story stood out. It was a story of how they grew to know each other.
One Chair at a Time
Imagine a 15 year old boy attending high school – homeroom. Where do you think 15 year old boys sit? At the back, right? Dave said he started at the back of the room… until he noticed a pretty girl sitting at the front.
He didn’t know her name. And he’d wanted to meet her.
So every day he arrived earlier and earlier to take a different seat. From the back of the room he moved up one row – one chair at a time. His goal? To meet the pretty girl.
Days passed and he continued to excel in his goal – despite the hardship. Apparently he wasn’t the only guy who wanted to sit with a pretty girl The difficulty? All the pretty girls sat at the front and he had competition for the chairs. According to Dave’s story, there were a few tussles with the other guys, but he excelled.
Eventually he won a seat at the front, after days of moving up one chair at a time. The pretty girl’s name? Marilyn.
He went on to win more than a chair at the front – he won her heart. They married and have been together for more than 30 years.
Why is this story important?
I imagine all couples have a story from their time of courtship. At some point there was a sense of urgency, a feeling of competition and a need to excel. The wedding day was a celebration of both husband and wife winning a friend for life.
Do you still feel the urgency to ‘win’ your spouse?
Dave Hughston’s 6 points (scroll up if you’ve forgotten) can be applied to marriage also. We, as husbands and wives, are leaders in our families and communities. To be excellent leaders we need to pull ourselves out of mediocrity. We need to continue to make the choice to love each other. We need to share goals, to have a vision for our marriage, and to practice, practice, practice. We need to excel.
Marriages can move forward ‘one chair’ at a time.
If you’re feeling far away from your spouse – maybe you even need to be re-introduced – then focus on moving forward ‘one chair’ at a time.
Start with a smile. A kind word. Make a friend. Acknowledge that you want to “win” your spouse… again.
Still.
Even the best marriages can reach for more!
*Here’s a video about the awards – in the first 1:40 seconds you’ll see the statue and photos of Phil Hughston.
If you always sit in the same seat at the dinner table – or while watching TV or talking, sit in a different chair. Look at your spouse from a different perspective.
If you always sit in the same seat at church – choose the other side, or closer to the minister or further away. Experience God from a different angle.
View your world from an alternate vantage.
Why? We all fall into ruts and live with the-same-old-same-old… our comfortable view may not be serving us well.
Changing the panorama view will stimulate your imagination – changing the angle of the view will ignite your curiosity – changing the context of the view will hone sight & sound.
Over or under?
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