I don’t know about you – but this is NOT a word I use most days. Or any day. Sometimes I read it in a Biblical context, but I don’t think I’ve ever used it when describing my relationship with my spouse.
And yet.
When I look at the real meaning of the word “to edify”:
build up – establish – strengthen
I’m convinced it’s a valuable word.
Therefore comfort each other and edify one another, just as you also are doing.
~ 1 Thessalonians 5:11 New King James Version
Here is the word used in the New King James Version where Paul is writing to the Thessalonians.
And here it is – same verse, different translation:
Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.
~ 1 Thessalonians 5:11 New International Version
I kept going back and forth to all the different translations (using BibleGateway) to see how this verse would read.
Build up.
Strengthen.
Help.
Build each other up.
Give each other strength.
Make each other strong.
Wouldn’t it be great if we could do this for our wife or husband?
How can you edify your spouse?
Here are 5 suggestions:
Talk about the future in a positive way. Use the past as an illustration. Focus on all the ways God has helped you both to carry on – to move forward – to prosper. Your God is bigger than your problems. God’s strength is there to give you hope and make your future good. (Jeremiah 29:11)
Trust God. And live that way. It’s not enough to talk about having faith. Adopt the Nike motto: Just do it. Strengthen your spouse with the way you live your faith – the way you immerse yourself in God’s Word – the way you’re consistent in seeking fellowship with other Christ followers. Ponder Acts 2:42 – and behave that way. Then invite your spouse to join you.
Love your spouse – even when you don’t feel like it. Feelings are fleeting, they come and they go. Decide to love your spouse and act in a way that shows love. Start with kindness and work forward. Tell your spouse, “I love you.” and then list the ways. Review 1Corinthians 13 if you need context.
Ask God to bless your spouse. Work through a 31-day challenge to pray for your spouse in specific ways, a different way each day. Be creative. Pray differently – try a journal, or meeting with a group of like-minded believers to pray for your spouses. Ask. Seek. Knock. (Matthew 7:7,8) Pray without ceasing. (1Thessalonians 5:17) Invite your spouse to pray with you – let him or her hear you pray in specific, concrete ways for her/him – not just once, but continually.
Add your strength in a practical way. When was the last time you did something for your spouse? A cup of tea (or sweet-tea if you live in the South) at an opportune moment can make a difference. (or a favorite anything) Your willing attitude can create a dent in the impossible. Sometimes words are cheap, and taking action turns the tide. (Proverbs 3:27) If there’s something that is in your power to do – just do it!
Remember that old commercial? It talks about relieving negative consequences.
Has your spouse ever experienced negative consequences? Talking about the action that brought on the negative consequence isn’t helpful until the pain is managed. People in pain don’t think or plan clearly.
When your spouse is in pain – physical, emotional or spiritual – how do you react?
If you choose to encourage, focus on what will relieve the pain.
Relieve: to ease
Ease up on your spouse. Shelve your requests. For now.
Give comfort and calm. Create a physical environment of ease.
Let go. Let go of your desire to blame or shame your spouse and give them emotional space to recover. Prayer helps.
Relief is about freedom – freedom from pain, burdens, obligations, and fear.
Oh, if it were only as easy as two tablets in water to provide relief! Sometimes you can’t “do” anything to relieve your spouse from their pain, burdens, or fears. Perhaps all the relief options are in their power to create. Your task then is to: Do No Harm.
We knew an older, crusty, gentleman who never married. He often talked of his experiences during World War II – he wasn’t fighting, but rather, was a merchant marine, spending months on a ship. During the war he had some negative experiences aboard these ships.
His ships sank.
3 times
(I’d say he was well-versed in sinking ship culture…)
In his stories of his time as a merchant marine, Albert talked about how rough the guys were. They were an assorted bunch of tough men who embraced their life on the sea – with new adventures in every port. From what Albert said, these guys didn’t have time for God.
However. As soon as their ship was sinking…
They prayed.
Albert said he mocked them – “So – now you pray!”
(not very encouraging, huh? 🙂 )
Prayer raises your spouse up.
An encouraging spouse uses prayer as a tool to uphold – even before that sinking feeling starts. And then keeps on praying.
In fact – there’s another definition for uphold:
Uphold: to lift upward; raise.
Lift up your spouse with prayer!
If your wife or husband has that sinking feeling, ask God to get them out of the water – to hold them high above the water!
Have faith and ask Jesus to rescue your spouse.
… Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!” Matthew 14:29,30
Have you had experiences when you’ve prayed, and God intervened on your spouse’s behalf? Do you have a ‘rescue story’? Leave a comment and share your story!
I’m fascinated with pictures of couples holding hands.
It seems to me, that when a couple holds hands, they’re defying the odds and declaring their unity. Holding hands is an outward sign of solidarity. It’s a comfort, and a promise.
I’ve been holding hands with Rob since we were 15 & 17. His hands are so familiar to me. So precious. I know every little dot and spot. I know the feel and shape of his hands.
It feels odd to walk beside him and not hold hands.
Robert’s hands are always reaching out to me, offering acceptance and steadiness. My balance is a little off, so holding Rob’s hand or arm is like finding stability.
On Monday (before we snuck off to the movies like teenagers playing hookey), Robert went with me to a place to test my walking gait. I needed to step up onto a machine, and there he was, beside me, his hand held out to be my support.
We even hold hands while sleeping, seeking to touch each other across the divide of a King size bed.
Give your spouse your hand.
Holding hands – reaching out a hand – is more than a physical gesture.
As husband and wife we can walk together holding hands, and we can pray together holding hands. If you’re ever disagreeing with your spouse and headed toward an argument, reach out to hold their hand. It’s almost impossible to argue and hold hands at the same time!
We are “doing” life together.
Holding hands is a symbol of that promise we made to love each other till we’re parted by death. Remember when you were married… did you hold hands or did the minister place your hands together during the ceremony?
Are you still united in that spirit?
It’s more than just your hand you’re connecting with your spouse –
Your heart is connecting.
~~~~~~~~~~~
The best post I’ve ever read about the nuances of holding hands is written by Tom Walter at The Romantic Vineyard. It’s called “Do You Wanna” – he talks about the Top 10 Hand Holding Techniques. Take a few moments and read Tom’s post, you’ll love it!
Wait! Let me rephrase: Do you ever surprise your spouse in a good way?
Surprising your spouse is great on their birthday, or your anniversary or Valentine’s… but it’s even more effective when the surprise is – well – a surprise!
Here are 5 ways to surprise your spouse – in a good way:
Take your Love to a comedy club. What relationship couldn’t use a bit more laughter? (Proverbs 17:22 – “A cheerful heart is good medicine…” ) If a comedy club is too far away (or too risque), then create a long list of videos from YouTube and spend the evening watching and laughing in the privacy of your own home! Laugh until your ribs hurt!
Find a massage therapist who will teach you how to massage each other. Touch is a precious gift – often the first thing in a marriage that is pushed aside when one of you is upset, or busy or tired. Imagine learning how to touch your spouse to bring relaxation… and then going home to practice! 😉
Take your spouse to a concert. Music can invigorate, it can soothe, it can cause you to dream and reminisce… What feeling is missing in your marriage right now? (or you want more of?) Reminisce and rekindle by going to a concert with music from when you first were dating – or find out what instrument is your spouse’s favorite and arrange an entire evening filled with that instrument. Be energized with a rock concert. Go deeper in faith – together – with a praise and worship concert. Remember the Disney classic Fantasia – childhood favorites can be fun. (You can even plan a concert at home by having a musician visit – or watch a concert on television/DVD) I believe music is a language. It communicates. What would you like to communicate to your spouse?
A Gift. Buy your Love a gift. What tangible thing delights your spouse? Are shoes a delight? What about books? Clothes, sports equipment, tools… Maybe you can’t define the exact article, but you know the genre. Arrange an evening (or day) and buy gift certificates to shops that will carry the genre of gift. (this way your spouse MUST spend the gift certificate – there’s no guilt involved) Accompany your Love – all day or evening – and take delight in the choices your spouse makes. You can make the time fun and adventurous – like a scavenger hunt with clues…
Use words to document how and why you love your spouse. Be extravagant and surprise your spouse with a poster. (find a picture you both love and use a computer program to write on it. Then go to a photo shop – could be at a pharmacy – and have a poster made. Or make a book about your life together with photos and captions talking about how much you love your spouse. If there just isn’t any extra money available (right now), then plan an evening out – no kids! – and go to a card shop. Spend a whole hour browsing through the greeting cards and have your Love read the ones you would give her/him – funny, sentimental, sappy, and creative. No purchase necessary. You could even take pictures with your cell phone of the evening out… that way the memory can be preserved. It’s the WORDS that matter!
One last reminder:
Make the surprise ALL about your spouse!
What ways have you surprised your spouse in the past? Leave a comment and share!
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