Jul 26, 2012
Faith goes up the stairs that love has made
and looks out of the windows which hope has opened.
~ Charles Spurgeon
What do you know about Charles & Susannah Spurgeon?
(This post first appeared on Robert’s site – FergusonValues – in May 2012)
One of the greatest couples of their time
Rarely does one set out to become great. In most cases, those who seek greatness fall short of leaving a lasting legacy.
But for a few, greatness is awarded for a lifetime of dedication that made a significant difference in the lives of others.
As a differentiating value, Greatness means remarkable; of major significance or importance; larger than others of it’s kind.
There are selected men and women who are heralded for their remarkable achievements. But few married couples would be added to this list.
Charles and Susannah Spurgeon are one of those rare couples. They were truly one of the greatest couples of their time.
Charles Spurgeon
At age 22, Charles Spurgeon was the most popular preacher of the day.
Spurgeon was the Billy Graham of his time. Known in Britain as the ‘Prince of Preachers’ it is estimated that Spurgeon preached the Gospel of Christ to 10 Million people during his lifetime.
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Jul 2, 2012
Kindness is encouragement in action.
You may be brilliant. You may have great ideas. You might even have all the experience and education to back up your suggestions. Sharing insights and ideas is valuable in a marriage.
It’s good to have active, engaging conversations and debates.
But sometimes the kindest action you can take to encourage your spouse is not to share what you’re thinking – but rather, just listen.
When was the last time you spent time
listening
to your spouse?
Not talking.
Not thinking about what you’ll say next…
Just listening.
3 Ways to Actively Listen
- Look into your spouse’s eyes – at their face. Let nothing distract you – shift your body so you are facing your spouse. (Obviously this won’t work if you’re driving!)
- Demonstrate you’re listening. Nod. Smile. Use small verbal clues like “yes” and “uh-huh”.
- Encourage more. Use phrases like “Tell me more.” or “Help me understand” or “What did you feel/think?”
(You probably already know these ideas – but sometimes we need to be reminded of the basics.
Kindness has converted more sinners than zeal, eloquence or learning.
~ Frederick W. Faber. British Hymn Writer
Listening is one way to be kind – what other ways have you shown kindness to your spouse?
Jun 27, 2012
Two weeks ago our family said goodbye to a wonderful friend – Katie. She lived with us for 14 years, 2 months and was the perfect gift from God for us.
Katie was our dog.
From the time she was an 8-week old puppy, she bonded with Rob. She was the first one to greet him at the door, always ready to play, yet content to lie at his feet when he worked. I watched him play with Katie, throwing the ball and wrestling and play-growling. I watched the stress melt from his body as they played. I watched as he hugged her and kissed the top of her head.
Yes, Katie was a family dog. Our kids grew up with her – she was their homeschooling companion. She was my companion during the day – watching and following me around the house. She was my guard when Rob traveled. She greeted guests at the door with enthusiasm, sat quietly and waited to be petted, and joyfully accepted any treat from the table anyone provided. She barked only when someone came to the door. And she knew when we prayed, because she’d immediately lay down to wait till we were done.
In the last year, Robert became her care-giver. Where I got up with the kids when they were sick or had ‘accidents’, Rob attended Katie as she lost her abilities. (but never her spirit)
There are no words.
These last two weeks, we haven’t talked much about Katie. When I ask if he’s OK, Rob has just quietly responded, “I miss my dog.”.
Sometimes sadness – grief – defies words. Holding, hugging, and an embrace is the only way to comfort your spouse.
Comfort in grief.
Katie was our dog – we understand the place she had in our lives. That place in no way compares with our children or those people we love.
After we buried Katie in a special spot on our 4-acre property, Robert and I talked about the pioneers of the USA. They settled this country hundreds of years ago – all alone on a trek to a new future. Many died. Those pioneers would have been forced to physically bury their loved ones. What a task.
How did they comfort each other? How do husbands and wives comfort each other today when they loose a loved one through illness or accident?
I imagine that overwhelming grief defies words.
How can you encourage even in grief?
A gentle, wordless embrace is one answer.
May 21, 2012
Since January 23rd, Robert has been playing with a new ‘toy’ to motivate himself to focus on being more active. It’s called the FitBit.
What is a FitBit?
It’s a small, wireless device that tracks how many steps he takes every day.
The data is sent wirelessly to a website, and he can track his fitness activity over time to measure his progress. The device, connected to his personal FitBit webpage, also tracks other areas such as calories, sleep patterns, distance, etc.
There are incentives for a high activity day – his “flower” grows (a digital representation of the amount of activity) – he receives “badges” online to commemorate steps that correlate to flights of stairs, distance, etc. Robert has walked 250 miles since the end of January. It’s very motivating to see progress!
On Saturday we celebrated Robert’s highest activity day in 15 weeks – 17,580 steps. Yes, it was a very busy day…
However, each day the device automatically resets at midnight.
Every day.
Each morning he begins again at zero.
Zero. Nada. Zilch.
What does this have to do with encouragement?
Encouragement is more than just “rah -rah”. Encouragement is literally “adding courage” into your spouse. It’s an activity that is future-focused, positive-focused, and possibility-focused. Everyone likes to be encouraged. Encouragement adds to a relationship.
Do you encourage your spouse?
If you were tracking how much you encourage your spouse – each day – could you “track” your encouragement activity? What would your analytics look like?
Think about “Encouragement Analytics” as displaying:
HOPE – How often during one day, do you share your hope for a good future together? Do you take the opportunity to inspire your spouse with a word of hope? Encouragement comes from knowing God is planning a good future for those He loves – do you share this hope with your spouse?
FAITH – Do you have a strong faith in God? Do you use your faith to add strength to your spouse – each day? Do you fortify your spouse’s faith in God, because you, yourself, stand solid in the Gospel of Christ? Encouragement comes from knowing Christ – do you share this with your spouse?
LOVE – How do you show love every single day to your spouse? Do you deliberately speak their “Love Language“? Encouragement comes from a full and complete assurance that your spouse is loved without barriers, and nothing held back. Model your love on 1Corinthians 13 and foster that love till it resembles Christ’s love for us.
PRAYER – Do you pray for your spouse – every day – with a fervent and sincere attitude? Your spouse will feel encouraged when they are confident you are lifting them up to the Lord. Fight difficulties with prayer. Battle discouragement with prayer. Knock down concerns with prayer. Your spouse will be encouraged when they know you are taking life’s challenges to God.
ACTION – Do you get off your duff – and actively participate in your marriage? Where do you place your support? Does your spouse feel supported – every day? Encouragement comes from not standing alone – it comes from feeling like a team. Does your spouse feel you are a team player, freely extending support?
Motivate Yourself to Encourage
Just like Robert’s FitBit uses metrics to motivate him to do more – is there a way to be motivated to encourage consistently? Sometimes motivation comes from tracking. How could you track how many times you encourage your spouse?
Since there are 5 ways to encourage: hope, faith, love, prayer & action, here’s one simple way to ensure you’re encouraging your spouse in every area – every day:
- Find 5 dimes. (or five small tokens)
- Use an indelible ink marker to write an “H” on one dime, “F” on another, “L” on the 3rd, “P” on the 4th and “A” on the 5th. (Hope, Faith, Love, Prayer, Action)
- Put these 5 dimes/tokens into one pocket.
- Be deliberate and encourage your spouse once in each category. When you’ve completed one way – transfer that dime/token to the other pocket.
- At the end of the day see which ones remain in the first pocket…
- Start fresh tomorrow.
I’m sure you could find other ways to track your encouragement efforts. This way might be a bit goofy or cheesy, but it is concrete. Just like Robert’s FitBit, you can’t ‘fool’ the data. Either the dime/token is one pocket, or it’s in another.
One of the benefits from analytics is a way to note progress. If anyone wants to improve in any area, understanding a starting point and creating a goal to work toward is key.
The question is –
Do you want to encourage your spouse?
Robert wanted to be more active. He’s using the FitBit to measure and prove to himself that his daily activity levels are increasing.
How about you? Do you want to prove to yourself that you are – actually – encouraging your spouse?
Hmmm.
For more information/ideas on each category to encourage: Inspire with Hope ~ Fortify with Faith ~ Foster with Love ~ Uplift with Prayer ~ Support with Action
Lori – The Generous Wife – talks about the books “The Power of a Praying…” in this post. I’ve worked through the book “The Power of a Praying Wife” and it’s one of my favorites!
May 17, 2012
Did you know that the first “not good” in the Bible was about Adam being alone?
Now the Lord God had planted a garden in the east, in Eden; and there he put the man he had formed. (Genesis 2:8)
The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him. (Genesis 2:18)
What is a “suitable helper”?
One who adds strength – and reinforces.
The Hebrew word used for “helper” is ‘ezer – which can be also used “… to describe military help, such as reinforcements without which a battle would be lost.”
~ quote from The Meaning of Marriage by Timothy Keller
Fighting a Battle
How many battles have been fought in the course of history where the weakening side reached out for reinforcements? Many, I imagine.
Perhaps the groups were caught unaware and unprepared. Perhaps they were standing alone, far from their supporters. Perhaps they believed their own force was enough to defeat the enemy – but were wrong. Regardless, I imagine many groups sought reinforcements.
And many were denied.
Years ago we visited The Alamo in Texas. It’s the site of a battle, a siege, and a defeat. Here’s a bit of the story:
…The fort was manned by a resolute group of 183 volunteers…
When it became certain that battle was inevitable, the Texans sent a young man out to try to bring back reinforcements…
He slipped out of the old mission at night and made his way ninety-five miles to Goliad for help. But when he arrived, he was told that no troops were available…
At the end of the battle not a single man of the 183 defenders lived…
~ excerpt from John Maxwell’s book The 21 Indispensable Qualities of a Leader in the category of Responsibility.
Did you notice that at the beginning there were 183 – and 183 died? What happened to the young man?
James Bonham, the young man, received word there would be no reinforcements, and instead of just remaining in safety, rode back to the fort, back through enemies lines, to re-enter the fort and continue the fight beside his comrades. Yes, he also died. Because there were no reinforcements.
Does your spouse stand alone?
Or are you there to provide strength – to reinforce?
We need to watch that we’re not too busy – that our children don’t take up all our strength. (I’m speaking to the ladies here.)
We are to be a “suitable helper” to our husbands… where are you expending your strength?
Do you listen when your spouse asks to be reinforced? Perhaps it’s not a verbal question…
Are you caught up in your own ideas and opinions, so much so that you deny your spouse your support – your strengthening reinforcement?
Reinforce your spouse’s strength.
Make sure you are close enough to reinforce…
Be sure you’re aware of where and when your spouse needs to be reinforced…
And even before the battle becomes too much for your spouse, reach out for the One who has all power – ask for God’s help to reinforce both of you!
Do you have a story about reinforcing your spouse?
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