Now, Gary Chapman suggests that we all have a primary Love Language from the list of 5 – touch, words of affirmation, acts of service, quality time & gifts – and sometimes we are ‘bi-lingual’ and speak two equally.
However there are times when our spouse’s love tank is running on empty. The entire tank has only fumes. And speaking in all 5 Love Languages is necessary.
So, even if your spouse’s primary Love Language isn’t Gifts, it’s OK to still give a gift.
What kind of gift?
The gift of the Gospel.
When was the last time you prayed over your spouse and asked God to give you a word – His Word – for your spouse?
Imagine gifting your spouse with a special Bible word you’ve sincerely asked God for…
And if you want to add to the experience, perhaps inscribe it onto something she’ll use – or – print it out with a striking font and put it into a lovely frame – or – create a card to display (ask for help from a friend who scrapbooks or look on Etsy.com and commission a piece of artwork with the scripture).
Have you ever gifted your spouse a scripture word?
Since January 23rd, Robert has been playing with a new ‘toy’ to motivate himself to focus on being more active. It’s called the FitBit.
What is a FitBit?
It’s a small, wireless device that tracks how many steps he takes every day.
The data is sent wirelessly to a website, and he can track his fitness activity over time to measure his progress. The device, connected to his personal FitBit webpage, also tracks other areas such as calories, sleep patterns, distance, etc.
There are incentives for a high activity day – his “flower” grows (a digital representation of the amount of activity) – he receives “badges” online to commemorate steps that correlate to flights of stairs, distance, etc. Robert has walked 250 miles since the end of January. It’s very motivating to see progress!
On Saturday we celebrated Robert’s highest activity day in 15 weeks – 17,580 steps. Yes, it was a very busy day…
However, each day the device automatically resets at midnight.
Every day.
Each morning he begins again at zero.
Zero.Nada.Zilch.
What does this have to do with encouragement?
Encouragement is more than just “rah -rah”. Encouragement is literally “adding courage” into your spouse. It’s an activity that is future-focused, positive-focused, and possibility-focused. Everyone likes to be encouraged. Encouragement adds to a relationship.
Do you encourage your spouse?
If you were tracking how much you encourage your spouse – each day – could you “track” your encouragement activity? What would your analytics look like?
Think about “Encouragement Analytics” as displaying:
HOPE – How often during one day, do you share your hope for a good future together? Do you take the opportunity to inspire your spouse with a word of hope? Encouragement comes from knowing God is planning a good future for those He loves – do you share this hope with your spouse?
FAITH – Do you have a strong faith in God? Do you use your faith to add strength to your spouse – each day? Do you fortify your spouse’s faith in God, because you, yourself, stand solid in the Gospel of Christ? Encouragement comes from knowing Christ – do you share this with your spouse?
LOVE – How do you show love every single day to your spouse? Do you deliberately speak their “Love Language“? Encouragement comes from a full and complete assurance that your spouse is loved without barriers, and nothing held back. Model your love on 1Corinthians 13 and foster that love till it resembles Christ’s love for us.
PRAYER – Do you pray for your spouse – every day – with a fervent and sincere attitude? Your spouse will feel encouraged when they are confident you are lifting them up to the Lord. Fight difficulties with prayer. Battle discouragement with prayer. Knock down concerns with prayer. Your spouse will be encouraged when they know you are taking life’s challenges to God.
ACTION – Do you get off your duff – and actively participate in your marriage? Where do you place your support? Does your spouse feel supported – every day? Encouragement comes from not standing alone – it comes from feeling like a team. Does your spouse feel you are a team player, freely extending support?
Motivate Yourself to Encourage
Just like Robert’s FitBit uses metrics to motivate him to do more – is there a way to be motivated to encourage consistently? Sometimes motivation comes from tracking. How could you track how many times you encourage your spouse?
Since there are 5 ways to encourage: hope, faith, love, prayer & action, here’s one simple way to ensure you’re encouraging your spouse in every area – every day:
Find 5 dimes. (or five small tokens)
Use an indelible ink marker to write an “H” on one dime, “F” on another, “L” on the 3rd, “P” on the 4th and “A” on the 5th. (Hope, Faith, Love, Prayer, Action)
Put these 5 dimes/tokens into one pocket.
Be deliberate and encourage your spouse once in each category. When you’ve completed one way – transfer that dime/token to the other pocket.
At the end of the day see which ones remain in the first pocket…
Start fresh tomorrow.
I’m sure you could find other ways to track your encouragement efforts. This way might be a bit goofy or cheesy, but it is concrete. Just like Robert’s FitBit, you can’t ‘fool’ the data. Either the dime/token is one pocket, or it’s in another.
One of the benefits from analytics is a way to note progress. If anyone wants to improve in any area, understanding a starting point and creating a goal to work toward is key.
The question is –
Do you want to encourage your spouse?
Robert wanted to be more active. He’s using the FitBit to measure and prove to himself that his daily activity levels are increasing.
How about you? Do you want to prove to yourself that you are – actually – encouraging your spouse?
Lori – The Generous Wife – talks about the books “The Power of a Praying…” in this post. I’ve worked through the book “The Power of a Praying Wife” and it’s one of my favorites!
Did you know that the first “not good” in the Bible was about Adam being alone?
Now the Lord God had planted a garden in the east, in Eden; and there he put the man he had formed. (Genesis 2:8)
The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him. (Genesis 2:18)
What is a “suitable helper”?
One who adds strength – and reinforces.
The Hebrew word used for “helper” is ‘ezer – which can be also used “… to describe military help, such as reinforcements without which a battle would be lost.”
~ quote from The Meaning of Marriage by Timothy Keller
Fighting a Battle
How many battles have been fought in the course of history where the weakening side reached out for reinforcements? Many, I imagine.
Perhaps the groups were caught unaware and unprepared. Perhaps they were standing alone, far from their supporters. Perhaps they believed their own force was enough to defeat the enemy – but were wrong. Regardless, I imagine many groups sought reinforcements.
And many were denied.
Years ago we visited The Alamo in Texas. It’s the site of a battle, a siege, and a defeat. Here’s a bit of the story:
…The fort was manned by a resolute group of 183 volunteers…
When it became certain that battle was inevitable, the Texans sent a young man out to try to bring back reinforcements…
He slipped out of the old mission at night and made his way ninety-five miles to Goliad for help. But when he arrived, he was told that no troops were available…
At the end of the battle not a single man of the 183 defenders lived…
~ excerpt from John Maxwell’s book The 21 Indispensable Qualities of a Leader in the category of Responsibility.
Did you notice that at the beginning there were 183 – and 183 died? What happened to the young man?
James Bonham, the young man, received word there would be no reinforcements, and instead of just remaining in safety, rode back to the fort, back through enemies lines, to re-enter the fort and continue the fight beside his comrades. Yes, he also died. Because there were no reinforcements.
Does your spouse stand alone?
Or are you there to provide strength – to reinforce?
We need to watch that we’re not too busy – that our children don’t take up all our strength. (I’m speaking to the ladies here.)
We are to be a “suitable helper” to our husbands… where are you expending your strength?
Do you listen when your spouse asks to be reinforced? Perhaps it’s not a verbal question…
Are you caught up in your own ideas and opinions, so much so that you deny your spouse your support – your strengthening reinforcement?
Reinforce your spouse’s strength.
Make sure you are close enough to reinforce…
Be sure you’re aware of where and when your spouse needs to be reinforced…
And even before the battle becomes too much for your spouse, reach out for the One who has all power – ask for God’s help to reinforce both of you!
Do you have a story about reinforcing your spouse?
Married. How do you enter your day being reverently and deliberately married?
“Therefore marriage is not to be entered into unadvisedly or lightly, but reverently, deliberately, and in accordance with the purposes for which it was instituted by God.”
The beginning of the book opens with Stasi reflecting as her husband, John, is officiating at a wedding. The above quote is part of the ceremony. When did you last attend a wedding?
Did you pay attention to the words – the promises – spoken?
Reverently enter being married.
Revere – to show great respect. Every day we wake up beside the person we married, we’re entering into another day of marriage.
Do you show great reverence and respect for your marriage union? How does this translate into your everyday life?
Deliberately enter being married.
Deliberate – to move with steadiness and intention.
When you walk through your day – your week, and month and years, how do you demonstrate intentional and steady marriage movement?
For what purpose has God designed marriage?
Purpose – the reason something exists, an intended and desired result.
The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him…
So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep;and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man’s ribs and then closed up the place with flesh. Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man.
The man said,
“This is now bone of my bones
and flesh of my flesh;
she shall be called ‘woman,’
for she was taken out of man.”
That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is unitedto his wife, and they become one flesh.
~ Genesis 2: 18, 21-24
We chose to be married to have a partner through life. To not be alone. To be one flesh – united.
Being married means you leave your parents and their opinion is no longer your first concern. (Neither are your children, even though they came from you and your spouse.)
Our spouse is a gift.
How do you deliberately and reverently show your spouse – the one you chose to marry – that you view her or him as a gift?
Here are 3 ways to enter your day being deliberately and reverently married:
Pray. Pray for your spouse, pray for your marriage relationship. Ask God to show you how He views your spouse. Pray for your future together. Ask for direction, ask for blessing, ask for protection from the evil one. Take the time to pray!
Believe. Believe that your spouse is a gift. Have faith that God created him or her for you. Work on your own faith in God, because if you can have faith in small things, then all the big issues can also be solved. Read Matthew 17:20
Act. Refuse to be blown this way and that by your ‘feelings’. Feelings are fleeting. Use your own self-control, develop it! Stop reacting! Decide to act, then take action in ways to demonstrate you value your spouse. Be deliberate.
Is this difficult? Maybe, in some seasons of marriage.
Is this sustainable? Yes. As long as you begin again – every day.
How do you sustain reverence for your marriage, even in a difficult season?
Have you seen our video?
We know that some days, months and even years in a marriage are not easy… we all get “down”. Life seems mundane and without any spark. That’s why we created #93toJOY – 93 small, quick and affordable things to do together to spark some JOY!
Can you think of a time when you loved your spouse with excessive, unfair partiality?
Or showed him or her preferential treatment? Or gave the one you love – your spouse – your undivided support, attention and approval?
It’s OK to be biased.
It’s good to have a favorite person – if that person is your spouse!
Think about it – if your spouse is your favorite:
you like your spouse more than anyone else. That’s kinda cool. Imagine if your spouse felt that you liked him/her more than anyone else, if they knew that you liked them best… how would that influence your relationship?
your actions are biased. You regularly choose your spouse. There’s no question in anyone’s mind that your spouse is first in your consideration. Imagine if your spouse felt you considered him/her first… how would that affect your relationship?
you give without expecting remuneration. There’s no expectation to receive anything in return, if your spouse is your favorite. What you give is just an outward sign of your favor – your regard and approval. Imagine if your spouse felt no strings were attached to anything you gave her/him… how would that shape your relationship?
Show your spouse favor.
You demonstrated your bias when you married your spouse.
You chose that special person over every other person on your wedding day and showed her/him excessive partiality.
On your wedding day you promised your undivided support in good and bad, in sickness and health.
Make every day just like your wedding day – encourage your spouse by making her/him your favorite!
Favor:
– goodwill as a kind act; not from justice or for remuneration
– held in high regard with preferential treatment, unfair partiality and excessive kindness
Have you been married a while? Perhaps you’ve renewed your vows. What did you promise to your spouse when you renewed your vows? If you’re considering renewing your vows, what would you promise?
Gifts
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