Illness shows up in many forms. Your spouse may be struggling with a chronic silent physical illness – Lupus, Crohn’s Disease, Diabetes, etc. Or a mental illness. Regardless of the disease your day-to-day living is impacted. Disease rearranges finances, relationships with other people, career choices, family dynamics, and future outlook. And a mental illness is as devastating as a physical disease.
1 in 4 adults will experience mental illness at some point in their life –
1 in 17 people live with mental illness.
How do you encourage a spouse with mental illness?
My best female friend has been battling depression and anxiety for more than 10 years. She and her husband, Peter, have tried everything. Everything. And yet this disease remains a daily struggle. Donna focuses on getting through the hour. Sleep is her only refuge.
Every now and again her ‘spark’ shows up – that uniqueness that is Donna – she can smile and joke and interact with her husband and children. She’s such a fun person with ideas and drive and wit and compassion. They – we – all look forward to those moments.
Peter, her husband, wrote a blog post in October 2011 for Encourage Your Spouse. He does a much better job of describing how to help a spouse with a mental illness than I ever could. Here’s his post:
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So here it is…my wife Donna, suffers from depression.
Wow, there’s a load off my chest.
How do I cope with her illness as a supportive spouse?
That’s a good question – I give and get help. What does help mean to me?
Hope
Encouragement
Love
Prayer
Hope
I hope everyday that something will change or improve for Donna – even the littlest things are celebrated. But putting my hope and trust only in doctors, is short-sighted on my part.
My hope is in the fact that God knows the future, He lives in the present, and He offers hope to the hopeless. Knowing He is with us gives me strength! I remind Donna of that often…which leads me to…
Encouragement
This one is sometimes tough to do on a daily basis. I try to offer thoughts and actions of encouragement to Donna. Sometimes I fall short and add no value to her. Other times, the value I add is just to be there for her. The value I give is to listen when she wants to share her thoughts. I can’t solve the problem – that I know. But I can certainly listen and offer encouragement whenever possible to her.
Love
Donna and I have been married over 24 years now. Boy time has flown by fast. In all those years my love for Donna has transformed – in a good way. Sure we’ve had our struggles and still do, but we’ve also experienced great joys and triumphs.
I look at Donna in wonderment as to her resolve in continuing on, even when the road ahead is not yet traveled. She has more difficult days than not, but every morning before I leave for work, I pray over her and give her a kiss on my way out.
She is precious because God gave her to me. Being a depressed person, she may not always see that…but I do try and take opportunities to show her that she plays an important part of my life.
Prayer
This is a big one for me.
Prayer has gotten us through a lot of things over the years. I pray for Donna every day.
I also pray to God and thank Him every day for the wedding blessing we received many years ago. The Covenant I made with Donna and God is as important to me now as it was then. The three of us are still together! I don’t want to take that for granted.
I know God will continue to strengthen us both whatever journey He decides we walk on. He is always with us.
And lastly, we are not too proud to ask God for help – we know He will give it to us if we approach Him humbly. We also realize God may not give us the help in a way or time that we think He should. For me, this is the part that I need to grow into – His thoughts are not my thoughts… His ways are not my ways.
Sure I wish things would be different – but they aren’t.
The only question left to ask is…
“What am I to learn from this experience?”
Perhaps the answer is to simply share it with others so they too can get – H.E.L.P.
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Peter and Donna carry on in life. They will celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary in August. Donna has pushed herself to plan a celebration – this was very difficult, but celebrating is important to Peter, so Donna works through her anxiety and is sending out invitations, planning the food, and all the other activities necessary for a significant celebration.
If you or your spouse is battling mental illness, reach out for help.
NAMI – National Alliance on Mental Illness – is a great organization. It provides avenues of assistance for caregivers and those living in the illness. Reach out and surround yourself with a strong support system.
Peter and Donna have a strong, supportive church family who understand their challenges. Friends take Donna out of the house for the day. They go walking with her. They are available on the phone when Donna needs to hear a word of encouragement.
Peter sings in a choir and they keep his spirit up and focused on his joys. (he’s the first one to sing in this video)
There is hope. As with any illness, hope can burn brightly. It’s possible to keep hope alive. As a spouse of someone living with mental illness, it’s imperative that you arm yourself with every possible tool to keep moving forward. Encouraging your spouse is good – but as the encourager, your responsibility is to keep your “well” full.
What’s our job?
Maybe our spouse isn’t ill. Nor are we. But if 1 in 17 people are living with mental illness, then my guess is we all know someone with this disease.
Perhaps our job is to provide support? Sometimes a smile, a hug, or a cup of coffee is enough to show you noticed, and you care.
A while ago I wrote about Charles and Susannah Spurgeon. (you can read those posts here and here). I keep coming across quotes and stories about this amazing couple…
Here’s another story about the Spurgeons:
Charles Spurgeon and his wife would sell, but refuse to give away, the eggs their chickens laid. Even close relatives were told, “You may have them if you pay for them.” As a result some people labeled the Spurgeons greedy and grasping.
They accepted the criticisms without defending themselves, and only after Mrs. Spurgeon died was the full story revealed.
All the profits from the sale of eggs went to support two elderly widows.
Because the Spurgeons where unwilling to let their left hand know what the right hand was doing (Matthew 6:3), they endured the attacks in silence.
from the Chaplain Magazine
Sometimes it’s difficult not to justify our actions. We’re a society that loves to shout what we’re doing – just think of Facebook and Twitter!
Have you and your spouse ever made a choice not to explain yourself, but continue to move forward in a Godly fashion?
Imagine what a strong relationship Susannah & Charles Spurgeon had – do you use other Christian couples to ‘model’ your behavior – to be examples for how you’d like to be?
Be careful not to practice your righteousness in front of others to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven. So when you give to the needy, do not announce it with trumpets, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and on the streets, to be honored by others. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward in full. But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your giving may be in secret. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.
My husband and I have been talking a lot about a certain couple – a quiet couple. They experienced a lot of failure in their life. They were slammed by the media. He didn’t receive full recognition for his research till after his death.
Here’s a little bit from Robert’s blog about the Goddards:
A 17-year old secretary meets a professor twenty years her senior. Filled with imagination and ingenuity, she finds this man intriguing.
Five years later they get married and become lifelong partners in pursing a dream – his dream – to send a rocket into space. They share the value of resoluteness – he for his work, and her for her husband.
He never fully realizes his dream and dies of throat cancer.
But thanks to the resolve of his wife, this man’s work is not forgotten and 131 of his 214 patents are secured posthumously through her efforts. Two of these patents are regarded as important milestones towards spaceflight.
As I said, we’ve been talking about this couple. A lot.
Here’s how Goddard described the beginning of his passion for space flight:
On the afternoon of October 19, 1899, I climbed a tall cherry tree and, armed with a saw which I still have, and a hatchet, started to trim the dead limbs from the cherry tree.
It was one of the quiet, colorful afternoons of sheer beauty which we have in October in New England, and as I looked towards the fields at the east, I imagined how wonderful it would be to make some device which had even the possibility of ascending to Mars.
I was a different boy when I descended the tree from when I ascended for existence at last seemed very purposive.
We read all the facts about their life, and the dates and details are stark.
He was ill – they lacked funding – then received support from Charles Lindbergh and funding from the Guggenheim family. Of course, as soon as they set up house in Arizona and began experiments, the depression caused their backers to withdraw the offer. They moved from the east coast to Arizona and back because of lack of funds – never knowing when his experiments could begin again.
When the Smithsonian published Robert Goddard’s first major paper, the media scoffed. An editorial in the New York Times suggested he didn’t even understand Newton’s laws. His theories about “thrust” being possible in a vacuum, were dismissed.
What was Goddard’s response?
Every vision is a joke until the first man accomplishes it; once realized, it becomes commonplace.
49 years later The Times issued a correction – one day after the Apollo 11 launch.
Esther & Robert Goddard never gave up.
They didn’t give in. They never stopped. They carried on.
Even after Robert Goddard’s death, Esther continued to go through his notes, arranging them, and appearing in court fighting on his behalf because the government infringed on many of his patents. The government settled.
Gradually eliminate difficulties – success will follow.
Here’s another quote from Goddard:
My husband and I are no different than any other couple. We have many areas we’re growing in – searching for solutions. We’re determined not to give up.
Be resolute – don’t give up.
Whatever struggles you and your spouse are working through – don’t give up! Take a page from Robert Goddard’s life and become successful after gradually eliminating the difficulties.
Her story is so rich, I couldn’t finish in one day – in one post. (I kinda surprised myself.) We left off at an attitude-changing event when she was engaged.
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Susannah and her fiance – a preacher – were headed for Kennington, a large hall, for an afternoon service.
He was to preach to a large crowd and was completely engrossed in his own thoughts and preparation. As they got out of their horse & cab, the streets were filled with people entering the hall. The staircase was full of people. The entrance was teaming with people. Susannah worked hard to stick close to her future husband.
However, they became separated.
Being preoccupied with his coming need to serve, he forgot she was following him and entered a door. He left Susannah alone. She was swamped by the crowd. This is how she describes her emotions:
At first, I was utterly bewildered, and then, I am sorry to have to confess, I was angry.
She went home.
She didn’t stay for the sermon, but turned around and went home to her mother to complain about her fiance’s lack of attention and forgetfulness.
Can you relate?
This young woman expected her future husband’s attention.
He was courting her. He said he loved her… and he forgot about her. She had every “right” to be angry, didn’t she?
What happened when she got home…
Her mother was at home when Susannah arrived.
I imagine there were questions on why she wasn’t at the hall listening to her future husband preach. I imagine Susannah had a mouthful of words on how she felt – abandoned, forgotten, indignant, abused by the crowd, and just plain hurt.
Susannah’s mother listened, sympathized, yet gave some unique counsel. Here’s how Susannah describes what happened:
She wisely reasoned, that my chosen husband was no ordinary man, that his whole life was absolutely dedicated to God and His service, and that I must never, never hinder him by trying to put myself first in his heart. Presently, after much good and loving counsel, my heart grew soft, and I saw I had been very foolish and willful…
Wow. There’s an attitude adjustment!
Up until this point, Susannah’s future husband had remained true to his calling. When she met him he was a focused, unique and energetic servant of the Lord. He preached to crowds. He was sometimes vilified in the press because of his words. He was the same person she had first met – and agreed to marry.
Charles was called to preach.
How the story ends…
In Susannah’s words:
… then a cab drew up at the door and he came running into the house in great excitement, calling,”Where’s Susie? I have been searching for her everywhere and cannot find her; has she come back by herself?”
My dear mother went to him, took him aside and told him all the truth; and, I think, when he realized the state of things, she had to soothe him also; for he was so innocent at heart of having offended me in any way, that he must have felt I had done him an injustice in thus doubting him.
At last, mother came to fetch me to him, and I went downstairs.
Quietly he let me tell him how indignant I had felt, and then he repeated mother’s little lesson, assuring me of his deep affection for me, but pointing out that, before all things, he was God’s servant, and I must be prepared to yield my claims to His.
I never forgot the teaching of that day; I had learned my hard lesson by heart, for I do not recollect ever again seeking to assert my right to his time and attention when any service for God demanded them.
A Hard Lesson
Susannah carried this lesson with her for the remainder of her married life. She chose not to assert her right to his time and attention when any service for God demanded them.
She was a supportive spouse; Susannah was loved by her husband, valued by her husband, and a support to his ministry.
After the age of 33, she was often bedridden and couldn’t come to hear him preach. Yet still she supported her spouse.
Some of what they, with God’s blessing, accomplished:
They pushed through a great divide called “The Down-Grade Controversy” and where Charles was pitted against Charles Darwin and the Theory of Evolution.
An orphanage.
A Book Fund for ministers.
Who was Susannah’s spouse?
Charles Haddon (C.H.) Spurgeon
(19 June 1834 – 31 January 1892)
I recommend reading more about this amazing couple – their story is so rich. I left so much out…
He called her “wifey”, wrote many loving letters and shared his concerns and woes with her. She was his confidant, and his encourager. She was a prayer warrior.
Their faithfulness to the calling God placed on Charles has influenced millions for Christ. How would the story differ if she hadn’t been supportive?
Click here to read more about Susannah. Or here to buy the devotionals she wrote.
Have you heard of Charles Spurgeon?
So, maybe you say to yourself:
“My spouse isn’t anything like Charles Spurgeon… What does this have to do with me?”
In her time – like ours – Christianity was practiced but not often lived.
As a young girl she attended church services with her parents and often imagined that the deacon looked like a gigantic robin and his singing just confirmed the impression.
She was entertained by the silent and ‘creepy’ way the minister would mysteriously enter and exit the pulpit; she knew he came and went through a door, but her imagination was engaged. I think she day-dreamed… a lot.
At first sight…
Then, when she was 21, she saw a new preacher – a young guy from the country who was only 19 years old – enter that pulpit. She didn’t approve of the way he spoke – his style was very different from every other pastor. She was not impressed.
Here’s how she described her first encounter with this young man:
It is a mercy that our lives are not left for us to plan, but that our Father chooses for us; else might we sometimes turn away from our best blessings, and put from us the choicest and loveliest gifts of His providence.
For, if the whole truth be told, I was not at all fascinated by the young orator’s eloquence, while his countrified manner and speech excited more regret than reverence.
Alas, for my vain and foolish heart! I was not spiritually-minded enough to understand his earnest presentation of the Gospel and his powerful pleading with sinners; – but the huge, black satin stock, the long badly-trimmed hair, and the blue pocket handkerchief with white spots… – these attracted most of my attention and I fear awakened some feelings of amusement.
Susannah noticed his clothes (including a hideous blue polka-dotted handkerchief) and countrified appearance – and didn’t take him seriously! However, he remained at the church she attended and became the pastor. He drew crowds of people because of his new style of preaching.
A desire grows…
As time went by, she began to realize she wasn’t taking her faith seriously – but rather was leading an indifferent life. She referred to her faith as “back-sliding” and longed to have a deeper understanding.
She sought help and expressed her desire to friends who worked in the Sunday School. Perhaps it was because they had a close relationship with the new pastor, and told him, this popular young fellow gave Susannah a gift.
The gift from this young pastor was a book – Pilgrim’s Progress – and he inscribed it like this:
Miss Thompson – with desires for her progress in the blessed pilgrimage …
This young preacher had taken the big city they lived in by storm – he became so popular that at each service all the seats were filled.
Susannah filled one of those seats. And she grew in her faith – her belief in Jesus, and her ability to understand and apply scripture to her life. To this end she sought to be baptized.
Their friendship also grew.
At the opening of a popular building, they sat together with a group of friends. He pointed to a passage in a book he was reading and asked her opinion:
The pointing finger guided my eyes to the chapter… “On Marriage” ,
of which the opening sentences ran thus:
‘Seek a good wife of thy God, for she is the best gift of His providence…
and then this young man – a preacher – and friend, whispered into her ear:
Do you pray for him who is to be your husband?
Their love was kindled.
Two months later – they became engaged.
Then an attitude adjusting event occurred in Susannah Thompson’s life…
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To be continued…
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So sorry to lead you on – but the story of this young woman’s life and her support of her husband for the next 40 years, was just too large to tell in one blog post!
Can you guess who this woman was? (Yes, she’s dead.)
I’ll give you a few clues:
She spent her life in England.
She had two children – twins.
The “fund” she developed still exists today.
So far, we know that she was able to support her husband because she first had the desire to deepen her faith in God, and grew in knowledge of scripture, and in having an understanding of faith. This faith sustained her supportive attitude all through their marriage.
My best female friend has been battling depression and anxiety for more than 10 years. She and her husband, Peter, have tried everything. Everything. And yet this disease remains a daily struggle. Donna focuses on getting through the hour. Sleep is her only refuge.
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