Your new spouse? What? Isn’t that the same guy – the same gal – that’s been by your side for a decade… or more?
Sure it is. And isn’t. Take a look what we mean in our 3rd Mid-Marriage Encouragement Video!
Your New Spouse
We’re not the same people we were when we married – we’ve changed. Hopefully we’ve grown over the years. (In more ways than our pant size, anyway. 😉 )
Get excited about this newest version of your spouse.
Find the positives. They’re there. Looking backward, and moaning about what has changed isn’t going to help your relationship. Sure. There may be areas in which you need to re-ignite, but even that new re-ignition will look different.
Consider these areas where changes can be positive with your “new” spouse:
Your conversation.
You know much more about each other today than you did at the beginning of your relationship, don’t you? But perhaps you don’t talk as much as you’d like… If your conversational skills need to be re-ignited, try out some of these conversation starters to reminisce and reflect. Reminiscing is a fun way to start a conversation. Reflecting is a useful way to decide what needs to stay the same, and what needs to change. Robert and I wrote this resource in 2015 after we completed our yearly exercise of doing “plates” with our adult children.
Your intimate connection.
Yes. I meant sex. 😉 Robert and I aren’t called to write about sex in marriage, but we feel strongly that a close and vital physical connection is imperative to a good marriage. We have good online friends who write about sex in marriage from a Christian perpective. If this is an area of your marriage that needs to be re-ignited, then please, please don’t wait another day. This might be difficult to address… Especially if you’re carrying around more of you than when you first married… Chris at Forgiven Wife has written a very special and gentle 2-part post about enjoying a plus-size sex life. Part 1 – Part 2 Re-igniting your sexual joys might be difficult of you’re dealing with low-libido as a wife – Bonny at Oysterbed7 writes through a Christian lens about this. Her book, Unlock Your Libido is a wonderful resource. If you want to start a conversation about sex with your spouse – read her post about 25 reasons God made sex good!(that could start an interesting conversation… and more!)
Your hobbies and activities.
Discovering ways to serve and encourage others while you and your spouse enjoy each other is another way to meet this new version of your spouse. Robert and I brainstormed to find ideas on how to encourage each other, while serving others and came up with 12 date ideas. These dates will answer the question, “Is this all there is to our marriage?” in a positive way! I believe in the middle of marriage we forget that we can have fun while we’re serving. (fill in the form below to get the 12 date ideas)
What other ways have you and your spouse grown… changed… for the better?
Celebrate mistakes in mid-marriage, because if you’re making mistakes, you’re growing.
Watch the video!
Challenge Yourself to Celebrate Mistakes
Let yesterday’s mistakes go. Make new ones today.
In the middle of marriage, there’s every guarantee you’ve made mistakes. And you’ll be making more. Decide to let yesterday’s mistakes go. Treasure mistakes as fertilizer to grow.
You’re busy living – and that means there will be lots of mistakes made!
We have almost 33 years worth of mistakes to add up. But that’s OK – because it makes the blooper reel of our life extra humorous. Most of our flubbs, and muddles, and miscalculations are fodder for laughter.
When you and your spouse want to celebrate mistakes, step back from the bungle (once you’ve processed any pain) and try to see the lighter side of the issue.
Most times, when you seek to celebrate mistakes, you can view them as the inconveniences they are, and move on. However, it’s imperitive to remember these two parts of celebrating mistakes in the middle of marriage…
Two parts about mistakes to remember:
1 – Don’t blame your spouse for the mistakes… just move on.
2 – And, if you need to use those “oops” moments as a reference, then be respectful.
Don’t allow your mistakes to become your identity as a couple.
It’s not possible to solve every mistake. Some will need to be processed, and accepted. Some mistakes hurt – hurt terribly. But you can’t go back to un-make them. In every case – even these challenging ones – it’s important to learn how to apologize so your spouse feels your sincerity.
Learn how to apologize to your spouse, so your husband or wife can understand that you are truly sorry. We’ll be writing a review of a favorite book on this topic – “When Sorry Isn’t Enough: Making Things Right with Those You Love” – to provide some insight into this topic.
Dwelling on the oversights, ommissions, blotches, and errors won’t make them any easier to solve. Wallowing in the mistakes won’t un-make them. You have a choice!
Put all your energy into making things better.
Your challenge this week to celebrate mistakes:
Mistakes happen – and if you haven’t found it easy to move on, then we challenge you to remind yourself that mistakes are just fertilizer… How? We’ve created a PDF with some visuals/images (like those above) and a list of 29 quotes about mistakes.
To download these resources, head on over to our Patreon Page!
Make new connections in the middle of marriage, and your marriage will grow.
Invite new people into your life – even if it’s only for a moment or so. Reach out and make new friends. You and your spouse still have lots to learn and other people are great resources.
In the middle of marriage, we can get stuck in routines.
Break out – reach out.
Make new connections.
This is the first of (at least) 30 videos for couples in the middle of marriage – to challenge them to lead a life filled with meaning. We’re kicking it up a notch in 2017 – making videos for you! Take a look…
But it’s hard to make new friends in the middle of marriage…
Oh, yes. We understand. Time is at a premium, when you’re stuck in the middle between raising children and helping aging parents. It’s hard to make new connections when you’re tired. Or frustrated. Or challenged.
However, NOW is the best time to reach out to make new couple friends – friends are part of a meaningful life. They’ll support you, and help you cope with the ups and downs in life.
An article from the Mayo Clinic says that friendships will:
Increase your sense of belonging and purpose
Boost your happiness and reduce your stress
Improve your self-confidence and self-worth
Help you cope with traumas
Encourage you to change or avoid unhealthy lifestyle habits
More on how to make new couple friends in the middle of marriage…
But we’re challenging you to do more… to also kick it up a notch in 2017!
We have 30 weekly, mid-marriage encouragement challenges already planned, (that takes us to September, if you’re counting), with more in the works. Each weekly challenge will have supporting posts and documents to go with the video,
You might not be ready to do all four challenges in the month – but that’s the nice part… you have a plan… a place to start.
Start what?
Start encouraging each other to lead a meaningful life as husband and wife!
These challenges are an answer to your question,
“Is this all there is?”
when you look at your marriage and your life together as husband & wife…
Make New Connections
Go ahead – reach out. Break out of your routine and make your marriage relationship more…
Want more information about the book we referenced?
What happens when you both need to be pampered and could use a little self-care?
A husband and wife are not always strong and resilient at the same time. But what happens when you both need a little “pick-me-up”? Well, do it together: unwind, dream, be decadent, create, indulge, relax, connect!
Design the fun of self-care as a double blessing!
11 date night ideas that won’t need much moola. You both need to be pampered and that can happen at home or out!
Self-care dates at home – when you both need to be pampered:
Inexpensive dates designed for after the kids are in bed! (or at the grandparents!)
1 – One word – two options: Bubbles.
Have a bath together, and add some bubbles to soak away your cares. Or buy a few bottles of bubbles at the dollar store to “decorate” each other. Close the door to your bedroom after the kids are asleep and the less you wear, the more fun it is….
2 – Dance. Unwind.
Create a YouTube playlist of the songs that were popular when you were dating. Have them playing on your computer or TV. Then dance together – fast and slow. The music and movement will cheer your souls and release all the tension. No need to sensor your moves – nobody is watching.
3 – If we had a million dollars… Dream.
Give each other the “dream date” you’d have if money (and time) were not an issue. How? Collaborate to find photos online and print out a picture itinery of where you’d go, and what you’d do… It’s about dreaming as you relax at home.
4 – Words that make you smile… or blush.
Pull out the scrabble board and use the letters free-form. Lay out the letters for both of you to use at will, and take turns creating a scrabble board filled with ideas that will make your spouse smile, and/or suggest an activity to make him/her blush. Perhaps you’ll start in the livingroom…
5 – Close your eyes and listen. Unwind.
Gather all your CDs and spend an evening lying around – just listening with your eyes closed. Talk about the memories your favorite songs bring into your mind. If lying around sounds too boring, then use the kid’s crayons and/or paints to make a shared piece of art-work on a huge piece of paper. Hey- it might turn out better if you closed your eyes even while painting/coloring! 😉
6 – Decorate a Cake. Decadence.
And then eat it too! Make it. Bake it. Decorate it. And yes. Eat the whole thing. Feed each other bite after bite till it’s gone. Get creative with the frosting if you’re alone at home.
Get Out! Self-care dates to get out of a rut.
Outside your home. Without children. More inexpensive dates – but ones that’ll push you to get out of your comfort zone. A change can be as good as a rest when you both need a bit of self-care.
7 – Rhyme. Or not. Create.
Go to the library for inspiration, then retreat to a coffee shop. Try your hand at writing a limerick to make each other giggle and gaffawor bring each other to tears at the beauty of the haiku poems you craft. Commemorate your efforts by buying a frame and hanging your masterpieces on your bathroom wall.
8 – Chocolate. Indulge.
Visit a shop where they make chocolates by hand. There’ll be a spot closer than you’d imagine – google it! . Take a drive (even if it’s more than an hour – listen to favorite songs or a podcast as you drive) and when you get there, carefully look at every creation. Enjoy the smell of the shop. Anticipate which chocolate would be your spouse’s favorite and have him/her do the same. Are you right? Then buy two chocolates. One for her. One for him. Savor them. Slowly. Drive home.
9 – Get in hot water. Relax.
Does your area have any natural hot springs? Do a bit of research – how far would you need to drive? If that’s not available, then inquire at your local YMCA, health club or even hotels in the area. Find a spot with a hot tub. Enjoy it together.
10 – Progressive dinner date. Feel special.
Go to five different restaurants to make a full dinner and share each item.
At the first share an appetizer.
When seated at the second eatery, ask for two spoons and enjoy a cup of soup.
Move to the third restaurant to munch on a salad – feed each other if you’re feelin’ it!
Choose the fourth restaurant for something exotic: quail, or bison, or alligator.
And at the last restaurant enjoy a decadent dessert. For this last stop you really need to take turns to feed each other bite after bite. 😉
This doesn’t have to be too expensive. Choose your restaurants wisely, and have a little extra fun by deciding before you go that you can only have foods that begin with certain letters, or only found on trees, or foods that are a particular color. Your servers won’t know why you’re sniggering as you choose your items!
11 – Reach Out. Connect.
Make a list of all the friends you haven’t seen in the last year. Go to a card store, and buy humorous cards to send to at least five people on your list. Head to a coffee shop and as you write out the cards, reminisce with your spouse about all the fun you enjoyed with each individual. Add a note to the card about what you remembered, and suggest getting together soon. Buy some stamps and mail those cards!
Pampering – do it together and double your self care.
Be generous with each other. If you feel like you need to be pampered, then share with your spouse! Make it a habit to do kind things for each other. Date night is a perfect time to be pampered.
Date Night Memories. Do you take the time to date your spouse?
Just because you’re in the middle of marriage
and things are fine
– busy and challenging –
but basically fine,
doesn’t mean your date night times together can’t be exciting and fun.
Encourage each other to have fun.
Play. Learn. Grow.
Where to go from here…
You’re here. (Wherever here is.) Maybe it’s been a while since you played together. Try it. Again. Here are some suggestions:
Date Night Memories – Play Together
Lori at The Generous Wife has a super list of games! Take one of those games with you and play it in a new spot: a cafe, on a bench in the park, drop in at a friend’s house & play it with them, at a museum (who says you can’t play a game at a museum or art gallery?), at the airport, in a mall food-court, at a scenic overlook… (you get the idea – don’t be dull! Have fun!)
ask each other a few questions! Here’s a Pinterest board with lots of ideas. There’s no way you know everything about your spouse, no matter how long you’ve been married!
All kinds of little date night memories build a life together that’s rich and full – don’t forget the fun. A life filled with meaning needs to have moments of fun. Your marriage is a huge part of your life – build fun into your time together.
Don’t always default to the tried and true – put some effort into doing something new to build unique date night memories in 2017.
What have you and your spouse never done that seems like it would be fun?
Quick! List three things you’ve dreamt about, but have never done…
1. ________________________________________
2. ________________________________________
3._________________________________________
Who do you know that’s done these three things? Phone those people, make a time to talk with them! (If you don’t personally know someone, then use the internet as a resource. Check out Instagram using hashtags, read blog posts, etc. and introduce yourself to these people… or, if you’re hesitant, at least you’ll have silent mentors that don’t know they’re encouraging you.)
What resources do you need to do these three things? Make a list – including links. Make a budget. Decide how much you’ll need to save to make this happen, and find a big container to create a “save for..” bank. Set it in a prominent spot in your home.
When will you do these three things? Look at your calendar. Mark the month – perhaps even the exact date when you’ll DO these!
Memories can come from sponanteous events… but you can also plan to make fun date night memories.
Ready, Set… Start now!
Need something in writing? Download a PDF to PRINT – print two, one for you and one for your spouse, and compare ideas!
Making Date Night Memories worksheet – Click to Download
Your conversation.
Your hobbies and activities. 
Make new connections in the middle of marriage, and your marriage will grow.
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