Sep 28, 2016
Ideas lift conversations. ( I’m so thankful that we have learned how to do more than “hallway talk” – it’s not always easy, but we keep working at it!)
When you and your spouse are together, what kind of conversations do you have?
- Do you confirm the appointment the dog has at the vets on Saturday? Do you inquire on what’s for supper tomorrow? Do you inform your spouse that you need your dry cleaning picked up before Monday? That’s called “Hallway Talk” and/or “Reporter Talk”.
- OR… Do you share what you think about the latest political gaff? Do you seek to convince your spouse on your opinion of what the company/church/community will do next? This can be called “Intellectual Talk”.
- OR… Do you unburden yourself to your spouse about how you’re feeling? Maybe you’re heartbroken over a friend’s troubles… or worried about how your supervisor’s actions will impact your job. This is called “Emotional Talk“.
- OR… Does your conversation fill each other with satisfaction? Do your ideas lift your conversations to greater intimacy with each other? This is called “Loving, Genuine Truth Talk”.
Read more about these 5 Levels of Communication authored by Gary Chapman here.
Ideas lift conversations and enrich marriages.
Ideas – where do you start?
Sometimes we get into conversational ruts. ( No worries – It happens to Rob and me too.) And getting out those ruts can take a bit of work.
Sometimes we’re too preoccupied with a work challenge, or a financial burden, or a health scare to dig into ideas which prompt us to think differently and possibly disagree with each other. (Only in the friendliest of ways, of course.) That’s OK.
However, I’m going to suggest that even in the most sleep deprived, stressful states, taking a break and talking about ideas will lift you and your spouse up – ideas lift conversations. And with a healthy and loving conversation, you’ll find your connection with your spouse enriched. Yes. Even during those nasty, crushing events in life. They will pass. Keep enriching your marriage all the way through them.
Where do you go to find ideas to talk about? Which ideas lift conversations?
First – consider ideas that are “honest but not condemning, open but not demanding.” Ideas that allow each of you “the freedom to think differently and feel differently.”
When you’re looking for ideas to talk about, consider:
- What are you reading that sparks ideas? I’ve been re-reading the The Screwtape Letters. And just today Rob shared an article on Loyalty (which is one of our 3 differentiating values.) These two items are introducing great conversations.
- What are you watching that generates ideas? Don’t limit yourself to numbing sitcoms or reality TV… use the power of the internet to your advantage! Have you heard of TedTalks? I’m constantly amazed by all the concepts… this one on procrastination makes us laugh and cringe at the same time!
- Who are you spending time with? Look to build relationships with friends who are different than you are – who might share some similarities, but also complement you and your spouse. We have friends who are gifted at making us laugh, and we can have deep converations with… That’s such a beautiful gift. (Rob and I are kinda boring – so they make us feel a little less boring!) Where can you find these people? I’m going to suggest serving – giving back… Where are you and your spouse serving? At church? In a non-profit? In your community? Reach out today, and ask how you and your spouse can contribute in the areas you’re already involved in… and then inititate conversations with those you meet!
Great conversations start with an idea – and they grow when discussed with open hearted people – can you be that kind of person?
Affirm your spouse’s ideas!
Never reject an idea that your spouse brings up in conversation – ideas are sparks – they will light up your converation.
Embrace your spouse’s ideas – play a conversational back and forth tennis game. Stretch, push, reach… oh, you’ll have fun!
Books and Activities to Spark Ideas…
Love Does – Bob Goff
You’re Made for a God-Sized Dream – Holley Gerth 
Unlimited Grokker Videos for 14 Days
(These are affiliate links – we receive a small amount – with no cost to you. You’ll be helping us continue our mission to encourage husbands and wives to lead meaninful lives.) Linking with #thankful Thursdays. and Messy Marriage
Sep 23, 2016
Happy Friday – What are you thankful for this week?
Here are some questions to consider… ask your spouse and share!
Food: What foods made us feel good this week? Why?
Hobby: Have we spent time on our hobbies this week? What makes us happy when we do?
Emotions: What brought us joy this week?
Era: Why are we grateful about living in this time and age – did it show up this week?
Challenge: What was our greatest challenge this week and how did we overcome it? (If we didn’t then let’s make a plan.)
Greatest Accomplishments : What was our greatest accomplishment this week how did it make us/me feel to succeed?
*These questions are adapted from the month of gratitude challenge – see the post!
Happy Friday – Share It
Do we use all our time talking about challenges and disappointments? How much time do you allow yourself – maybe even force yourself – to dwell on what is positive in your life?
Share with your family – start a tradition!
Being thankful starts with those who lead the family.
Guess what? That’s you two! You lead your family.
Do you eat a meal together on the weekend with your family? Share what good stuff happened this week – first with each other, and then ask your children and grandchildren.
Use Skype if you live far from them. (Or call them on the phone!)
Make it a tradition.
Shape your conversation to change the world.
Don’t like your world? Want to change it? Start shifting the conversation between you and your spouse. It’s going to bring greater dividends than you imagine…
Use your conversations with those you influence to inspire and encourage. It’s a small thing – but possible. One conversation at a time. Talk about what’s true, and lovely. Include what is noble and admirable into what you share. Praise and give thanks for what is excellent.
Leadership is about influence – no more, no less. Be sure you’re influencing well.
Happy Friday!
If we’re going to give you a challenge – we have to be accountable too… right?
Here are Rob and my answers to these questions:
Food that made us happy? I made (a version of) this yesterday! Roast pork tenderloin & potato with green beans. It was yummy! The left-overs will taste good too, I’m sure. 😉 We’re thankful we can share a meal together.
Hobbies? We read a good book this week – even did a post about it. (It’s about marriage, as you might have guessed… is marriage our hobby? hahaha Maybe!)
We’re thankful we can read. So much to discover – so much to share. Reading and sharing starts lots of good conversations.
I’ve been re-reading The Screwtape Letters, and to increase my understanding I’ve been watching video lectures about the book. Wow – what I’m learning. And I can share with Rob my experience. Just watch this video (it’s the last of the series of lectures – but might be the best) to understand more.
Joy? Rob was away for a few days, and when he returned he was so happy to see the grandboy. And I was filled with joy watching them. So thankful.
This Era? We have to be happy about technology in this era – this week it showed up by us being able to be connected even though we were across the country from each other! We’re thankful we can keep our marriage strong even in this era.
Greatest Challenge? – Living our value of optimism. Yes. Even encouragers struggle sometimes. We’re working on it… focusing on being thankful is a perfect way to win this challenge!
Greatest Accomplishment this week? Writing. Even when time doesn’t permit. Even when we don’t feel like it. Even when we’re brain-dead, and without ideas… writing something the best we can and pressing “publish” is an accomplishment.
We’re thankful for you – who read our posts! Happy Friday!
Sep 15, 2016
Fall movie nights – the weather is crisp with a bite in the air. A brisk walk to view the vibrant colored leaves is good, but once the sun sets, you’re happy to snuggle under a blanket. What are you doing together – both as husband and wife and as a family with friends? One way to encourage each other is to laugh a little and savor some good food! How to do that?
Now’s a great time to plan fall movie nights for everyone!
Pull out your calendar and decide on a few dates for fall movie nights – here are some suggestions:
- you and your love – all romantic and cuddly
- the family – with the children to laugh and get rowdy
- for couple friends after a few rousing games of Monopoly, Life or Uno
- with the extended family – grandparents, children, and grandkids
- invite someone new – maybe neighbors or co-workers… let your circle of friends grow
There is strength in having a solid circle of friends. Rob and I have talked about this in our mid-marriage videos. This friendship growth needs time. Sometimes a movie night is a perfect way to nurture friendships. This post has affiliate links which mean, should you click and purchase Robert and I will receive a small commission at no cost to you. We appreciate your support. Thank you.
Romantic Fall Movie Nights for you and your love…
What to watch? Here are some of our favorite romantic movies perfect for fall movie nights with just you and your love. You’ll notice that we don’t have the usual movies on this list (although we enjoy them too), but Rob and I like a bit of action, or humor or witty repartee with our romance! Not all these movies may be suitable for all couples. Be sure to read the descriptions carefully.
What to eat for your romantic fall movie nights?
Here are three suggestions – we’ve done the fondue idea often (it’s easy in the RV). I think the best food for romantic fall movie nights are things you can feed each other. 😉 Add a bottle of wine, and two cupcakes (or if you’re anything like Rob add a pudding/parfait) and you’ve got a great night ahead of you!
Fall Movie Nights for the family and everyone else!
What to watch? Here are twelve of our favorite family and friend movies perfect for fall movie nights with children included.
As with all movies, not every movie is good for specific children. Some children are very sensitive to violence or suspense. Please read the descriptions carefully and consider the children who will be watching in the group.
We have fond memories of watching movies as groups of parents and children, all piled into our living room. If you haven’t tried watching a movie as a group (or haven’t done a group movie night in a while) give it a try – put it on the calendar!.
What are you going to eat at your group/family fall movie nights?
If you’re doing this with your family, get everyone involved – make food preparation part of the evening! If you’ve invited friends, then why not try a potluck/smorgasbord or theme night! Here are some recipes good for these options:
Playing Games and other stuff to do!
If you’re going to have some fun with a group of people, then maybe a movie and something to eat is enough… or maybe it’s not! What else could you do to liven up the event? Board games are always a great ice-breaker between the movie and eating… Here are some of our favorites.
Don’t ever underestimate the memories you can make playing old-fashioned board and card games together. Take the time – make the time!
Gathering Together
Plan. Encourage your spouse to plan with you for some fall movie nights. Your life will feel richer and fulfilled when you are making the effort to spend time with people who you care about and care about you.
The time is NOW! Grab it – seize the opportunities. Don’t let your fears, your tiredness, your burdens or your concern over making mistakes steal your JOY. Stop procrastinating!
Make a Plan with the Commit30 Planner
Robert and I have found this planner that we really appreciate. It’s focused on planning and setting goals for each month! It’s so helpful in every part of our lives! Click to learn more and when you’re the Commit30 site, scroll downwards till you see the option to view all the pages of the planner.
Let the fall movie nights begin!
Aug 3, 2016
Be gentle.
We’re in close contact with a little human who is exploring his world. His hands are grabbing and pulling, smacking and shoving. Who is this, you ask?
This little human is our 8-month old grandboy. If you notice in the picture above, I’m not wearing my glasses… And if you remember what it’s like to be around a babe when they’re exploring their world, you know that they use their hands and mouths. A lot. (Glasses with hands and mouths do not mix well.)
We’re working on teaching Theo how to be gentle… gentle with the dog, gentle with the piano keys, gentle with glasses and faces, and not pulling hair…
But this Value of Gentleness is a necessary reminder for spouses also!
Be gentle with your spouse!
First let’s cover the obvious: no hitting, hair pulling, pushing or shoving. (I’m guessing you stopped these actions to demonstrate you like a girl/boy once you were out of elementary school.* )
Being gentle with your spouse is more than a physical thing. Gentleness also shows up in how you respond and interact. This is important for husbands and wives.
Here are 10 ways I’m challenging you to be gentle with your spouse.
I’ve listed these 10 ways before, but never went into detail to explore what they mean. Here are the details to round out the challenge:
1 – Use self-control: address difficult issues at a good time for your spouse.
Gentleness chooses to address difficult issues at the best time – often during the day instead of at night. Be a student of your spouse – I’m guessing you know full well when he/she will be able to discuss and solve issues better than others. Control yourself. Wait. Gentleness is strength under control.
2 – Honor your spouse’s free will.
Gentleness honors the free will of your spouse, but does not join in agreement just to placate. You don’t need loud words every time you disagree with your spouse. Heated words aren’t necessary, nor do you need to default to agreement. Your spouse is intelligent. Seek to understand even if you don’t agree. Gentleness is honorable.
3 – Respect shines through – especially – when speaking the truth on tender issues.
Gentleness speaks the truth in love and as it shines a light on a tender issue, gentleness maintains respect and kindness. You can still be truthful when addressing those delicate topics. But be gentle by using love and respect as you do. Gentleness moves with respect.
4 – Lead with an even-temper in a crisis – remaining diligent.
Gentleness remains even-tempered during a crisis, yet stays alert for possible dangers. Work to keep your tone and pace deliberate in a crisis. Your spouse needs you as a reliable team-mate when dealing with the hurricanes and tsunamis of life. Keep your head up and in the game, but don’t over-react when facing challenges. Gentleness reacts in a positive and reliable manner.
5 – Hugs are valuable. Commentary is not.
Gentleness offers a hug when your spouse messes up, and says nothing. Your spouse knows where he/she messed up – there’s no need for your commentary on the issue. There’s no need to belabor the topic. There’s no need for an analysis or debrief. Here’s where being gentle means not saying anything (unless asked – and then still be gentle – see above note about respect). Gentleness knows when to be quiet.
6 – Humor can be the best medicine. Sometimes.
Gentleness uses light humor to diffuse tense moments. Does your spouse respond well when you’re trying to be funny? If so, then absolutely carry on… Lori asked the orchestrator of a blogging conference how her husband contributed in a positive manner to her business – Mellisa Llado said, “He makes me laugh when I’m stressed.” If you know how to do that for your spouse, then you’re ahead of the game! If you haven’t mastered the concept of light humor… try. Get your spouse to help you. Gentleness brings a smile even in a tense moment.
7 – Cover and protect your spouse’s tender spots.
Gentleness protects vulnerable spots but addresses the hurt that needs healing. Sometimes a hurt needs a chance to breathe – to be explored within a trusted relationship. Can your spouse trust you to be gentle with his/her hurts? Can she/he trust that you won’t poke or prod or expose a hurt in an unfriendly atmosphere? Prayer is a wonderful way to cover and protect your spouse’s tender spots. (Just sayin’) Gentleness is trustworthy.
8 – Remain deliberate and inclusive.
Gentleness never needs to yell, and never cowers or whimpers. You don’t need to be autocratic, nor do you need to be deferential. It’s not an either/or situation. Marriage is a team sport where you use your strengths to enhance each other’s life. Yelling is not a strength. Neither is passivity. Avoid either end of the spectrum and include your spouse’s strengths with yours… deliberately. Gentleness is comprehensive.
9 – Ask Questions. Live Grace. Always.
Gentleness takes its time to consider all the facts, but is quick to forgive and ask for forgiveness. Study the life of Jesus. When challenged He often responded with a question. He didn’t judge, rather extended grace. His strength and stamina are indisputable, yet Jesus would be the first example of Gentleness I’d use. Exercise your ability to ask for and extend forgiveness. (We recommend the book by Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas on this topic.) Gentleness approaches conflict with grace.
10 – Gentleness is unspoken, yet evident.
Gentleness remains ever present, even if it’s never acknowledged. True gentleness isn’t weak. It isn’t wishy-washy. It isn’t dependent on circumstance or person. True gentleness is strength under control. (Yes. I said that already. But it’s true. And you can’t speak truth enough.)
Husbands and Wives:
Don’t think this Value is good just for husbands toward their wife… These ten aspects of gentleness are as true for one as they are for the other. As a husband, I know that I appreciate the value of gentleness in our marriage as much as Lori does. Husbands and wives: Be gentle with each other! Your life together is precious.
*This post is skating closely on the line where abuse might be found. Sometimes wives and husbands (yes, husbands!) are in abusive and violent relationships with their spouse. Abusive in word and deed. If you are being belittled, yelled at, cursed, or hit, shoved, pulled, or pushed you need to seek help now. Abuse is about power and control – not of oneself, but of someone else. If you don’t feel safe in your relationship – reach out and connect with The National Domestic Hotline at http://www.thehotline.org — and if your internet usage is being monitored, then call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233), — help is available 24/7. Don’t wait. Consider the action of reaching out for help as your first step toward being gentle with yourself.
Jul 29, 2016
Busy couples. Are you and your spouse busy? If I were calling out that category in a room full of couples, would you raise your hand?
Even if you belong in the “busy couples group” you can still add value to others. You and your spouse can have an impact greater than the two of you – you can make a difference and it doesn’t need to take hours and hours.
10 Ways Busy Couples Can Encourage Others
Your marriage – your relationship as husband and wife – can bless others. Here are 10 quick and fun ways to add value to others even if you’re one of those busy couples.
Play & Pray with Someone – Think of 2 or 3 people – they could be seniors in your church, or single moms/dads, or even friends you haven’t seen in a while. Maybe you don’t have hours to spend with these precious people, but as one of those busy couples you can spend 20 minutes doing this activity! Give these 2 people a quick call and ask, “Are you home tonight? Can we drop by for 15 minutes?” If you get a positive response, then grab your UNO cards and drive/walk to their home. Play one game of UNO (yes, just one), and then ask if there’s something you can pray with that person about. Pray together. And leave. 🙂 Simple and quick. You’ll get astonished laughter, and they’ll want you to stay longer… but don’t. Just Play and Pray. Carry on to the next person. You and your spouse will be energized, and those you visit won’t quite know what happened, but boy-oh-boy will they talk about it for a long time. 
Wash A Car – You might be one of those busy couples, but with this idea you can get a little exercise and still bless someone… Think of a single mom/dad or a widow within your neighborhood or church family. Gather soap, buckets, sponges, and drying cloths, maybe even a water hose and connector… everything you need to wash a car. Call ahead to be sure they’re home, and ask if you can drop by. Head over, and wash their car! As you clean the vehicle, treat it with special care. Seniors especially appreciate this little gift of your time and effort.
Donate 20 Items to a Food Pantry – Together! Set a budget, and shop for 20 non-perishable food items at your local grocery store, or even online. Take turns choosing the item – have a conversation about the food you’re choosing and why. Then drop your purchases off at a local Food Pantry or Soup Kitchen that day or later. You don’t need to wait for Thanksgiving, or a special holiday to make a difference in your local community or church… today works!
Penny a Plenty – Use a jar to collect your pennies – and dimes, nickles and quarters if you choose – from your pockets, car and purchases for a month. Then early one morning go for a walk together (or late evening) and leave heads’ up pennies (or any change) on the sidewalk every so often… It’s a treasure for others to find, and give someone a smile.
Popcorn Surprise – Buy 2 boxes of microwave popcorn. Open the boxes and attach a note saying “This popcorn is a Random Act of Kindness from us to you – Enjoy!” to each packet. Grab a roll of packing/painters tape, and map out your local RedBox machines (There’s an app for that.) Tape one or more to each RedBox. 
Roses by the Dozen – Buy a dozen roses (or 2 dozen), and go to a shopping mall parking lot. Give a rose to older ladies and moms with kids. How many people rarely receive a rose? Too many. You can make a difference in the life of a young mom who is struggling to parent, or bring warmth to the heart of an older person. It’ll take all of an hour…
Dessert Delight – When you’re out at your favorite restaurant, choose a family or another couple, and send over dessert(s) to their table. Tell your server that you want to keep your identity a secret. It’s a simple act, but powerful.
School Supplies – Set a budget. Go together to your local Target or Walmart or order online, and buy a bunch of school supplies. Crayons, pencils and pens, notebooks, stickers and glue… let your imagination wander. Pick the items you loved as a kid. Talk with your spouse about your school memories… When you have them collected, go together to deliver them to a local school. If you already know a teacher, then arrange to take the supplies to his/her classroom. Even as a busy couple, you can provide for your community and make a student’s life and a teacher’s day better.
Sticky Note Encouragement – Write notes of encouragement on 3M post-it notes at home. Then take a trip to the library and put them into library books to cheer the hearts of the next reader. Choose the books you leave notes in carefully – match the note to the sentiment of the book. You might be one of those busy couples, but you can come up with encouragement… right? Say thing like: “I hope this book makes you smile.” “We hope you have a great weekend.” “We’re praying you find joy in what you’re reading.” 
Candy Bar Care – You’re one of those busy couples, right? I imagine you meet with many people who give you a hand, or make your life easier, but you might not have a chance to say “thank you”. Here’s your chance! Make a list – together – of all the people you see regularly, or those you might not see, but do you a service. Think of your mail carrier, your pharmacist, vet, dry cleaner, grocery store clerk, church secretary, toll booth operator, barrista, trash collectors, (you get the idea). If you’re having trouble making this list, then mentally go through your day/week, and consider everyone you meet on a regular basis… Now purchase candy bars, attach a note of “thank you”. If you can, deliver them together. If it’s not possible to deliver them together, divide the candy bars, and text your spouse each time you drop off one… 
All these ideas would make great Date Night activities.
Use your time together to bless others, and let your marriage – your 2 into 1 – make a difference!
Enrich your marriage – husbands and wives leading meaningful lives. – Just some quick ways to encourage others… together!
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