(Welcome to Robert’s readers from FergusonValues.com)
However…
Couples grow out of their relationships because they’re not working on them together. <– Tweet this!
(That’s a quote from a book I first read last year, and have re-read this year, planning for a series of posts here on Encourage Your Spouse.)
If you want to encourage your spouse – or – have your spouse encourage you, both spouses need to be moving toward something.
Are you moving toward something in your marriage? Or are you moving on auto-pilot? Encouragement rarely happens when you’re meandering along on auto-pilot in your marriage.
Are you on relationship “auto-pilot”?
If you’re on relationship “auto-pilot”, maybe it’s time to flip the switch?
Maybe it’s time to flip the switch to “INTENTIONAL”.
Yes. I know.
There is a lot going on in your life. You’ve got a huge to-do list!
Time is at a premium.
There’s nothing urgent in your relationship – why should you use your precious time – now – to work on your marriage?
Why?
Take time for your relationship now –
because if it’s not growing…
it’s dying!
Be Intentional and Grow
Grow your marriage – but how?
In the next few weeks, Robert and I will be writing about the process of setting goals. Goals as a married couple…
HEY there! Don’t tune me out! (and stop rolling your eyes)
Goal setting as a couple doesn’t have to be painful or boring.
It’s just a process. And it can be painless, and entertaining… really.
Step ONE – Reminisce and Reflect
The first step is to do a bit of reminiscing and reflecting.
To help you do this, Robert and I have created a short ebook – it includes some instructions and 29 questions for you and your spouse to have a date – an afternoon, morning or evening – to grow your relationship.
Click below to go to Gumroad (it’s a site where we’re hosting our resources) and get this ebook.
Well – there are 29 questions. Twenty of the questions are there for a bit of Reminiscing about your marriage in the last year. Nine are Reflecting questions. And there are two – I guess you’d call them essays – about each section. I wrote the section on reminiscing, and Robert wrote the section on reflection.
It’s a very short ebook. A book-let. Tiny. It has 12 pages, and most of them are the questions. Maybe it would be better labeled as workbook…
Why did we write this little booklet/workbook? Two reasons:
One reason was our websites were not working for a time because we moved them to a different hosting company (technical stuff). We couldn’t write posts for a while on this site, yet still wanted to write.
The other reason is because Robert and I are being more intentional in our writing this year. We want to create more resources, and offer tangible gifts to you.
Questions and Conversations – asking questions and sharing thoughtfully creates intimacy between a couple. Last month I wrote about ways to create a conversation with your spouse. (You can read that post here.) That post had resources and links to questions. I’m still adding to the Pinterest board I created with all the links, because people seem to be interested. (They’re still pining, anyway!)
Guess what?
I found a new set of questions!
These are 36 questions that came from a research study by a group of five researchers, including a husband and wife team, Arthur & Elaine Aron. They’re social psychology researchers at New York State University at Stony Brook .
From their research study, this team discovered that strangers can spend about 45 minutes discussing the answers to the 36 closeness generating questions – in their specific order – and leave feeling a connection great enough that they would like to meet again. (as opposed to the small-talk questions which didn’t elicit much.)
Here are the 36 Questions, also called “The Sharing Game” by Arthur Aron.
1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?
3. Before making a phone call, do you ever rehearse what you’re going to say? Why?
4. What would constitute a perfect day for you?
5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you choose?
7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
11. Take four minutes and tell you partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained one quality or ability, what would it be?
13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?
14. Is there something that you’ve dreamt of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?
15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
16. What do you value most in a friendship?
17. What is your most treasured memory?
18. What is your most terrible memory?
19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
20. What does friendship mean to you?
21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?
22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.
23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?
24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?
25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “we are both in this room feeling…”
26. Complete this sentence “I wish I had someone with whom I could share…”
27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.
28. Tell your partner what you like about them: be honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.
29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.
32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?
34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.
~ questions by Arthur Aron – also called “The Sharing Game” Read the whole research study HERE
Imagine.
This study was done with strangers. They were paired up and instructed to take turns asking each other these questions and both would answer. They left after an hour, feeling a strong closeness and some even exchanged contact information.
Not all of us have close relationships with our spouse – sometimes we’re in that winter season of marriage where we’re feeling a bit of distance. Imagine what could happen if we went slowly to explore a few of these questions, over time, in a gentle way… (Only you’ll know if this is a good idea for you and your spouse.)
Or, perhaps we’re in a summer season of our married life where our relationship is blossoming. Imagine the fun we could have, delving deeply.
Do you already know the answers?
You might already know the answers to some of these questions – or think you do! I know that I’ll be bringing this list along on our drive up to Canada to celebrate Christmas! I’ll let you know how it goes! 🙂
PS – Here’s an article from the New York Times, explaining more studies Dr. Aron has done. It’s titled, “Reinventing Date Night for Long-Married Couples”. This might explain why Robert and I are feeling like we’re on a honeymoon again, traveling with our truck and 5th wheel, after 30 years of marriage! LOL
Conversation dragging…? I was talking with a young woman about how her relationship was progressing when she mentioned something interesting. She said, “We run out of things to talk about.”
It got me thinking – not all of us are natural conversationalists. Some of us aren’t born with the capability to chat, to natter, to talk about this or that, with ease.
Is starting a conversation difficult?
For some of us, starting a conversation is difficult. Once you get past the, “How are you?”, and the observations about the weather, finding a topic of conversation can be uncomfortable. This issue isn’t gender based, although it might be attached to an introvert/extrovert bias. I don’t know. Doesn’t really matter, I guess – the bottom line is, we need to have a conversation to get to know someone.
The other reason we don’t have satisfying conversations is because we’re just too busy. Life is led at a breakneck speed, with little opportunity to take the time to chat… even if we know how to begin.
How can you really get to know someone? And where would you start?
Ask a question!
Asking creative, open-ended questions is a valuable way to get to know someone. (tweet this)
It’s not just in new relationships that getting to know someone is needed.
What if you’ve been married for years and years? You’ve lived your life together, and you believe you know all there is to know about your spouse…
I’m going to suggest something.
You won’t like it.
(Sorry)
I’m going to suggest you don’t really know your spouse. (At least not everything.)
Yes. I’m going to say it, “You don’t really know your spouse.“
As Robert and I travel, we talk with couples about their experiences, ask them how they got to know each other, and what their first impressions were… We ask them what they’d recommend to newly married people, and our chatting will start some reminiscing.
One thing that always happens, at some point in the conversation, is, one spouse will be surprised. They’ll say, “I didn’t know that!”.
It’s not that a spouse is hiding something, or has misled their husband/wife. These revelations are just a circumstance of real life. Real life, unless you’re deliberate, doesn’t allow time for exploratory conversations. Most of us share things on a need-to-know basis. We have a lot going on, and sometimes we don’t know how to start a conversation.
What should you ask?
What could you ask to start a deep and interesting conversation?
To give this young woman a direction on how to find ideas to build a conversation, I thought about the different marriage bloggers who have free resources – I knew that I’d read posts on various blogs listing questions to start a conversation.
I started researching and created a list of links to send her.
Below, is a list of a few options. The website names are clickable and I’ve included my favorite fun question and thoughtful question for each resource. (The questions I chose are most suitable for married couples.)
Fun: What’s your most favorite quote from a movie?*
Thoughtful: What are the qualities you most admire about others?*
* I’ve paraphrased the questions, as she’s created these 40 questions as a game to play. There’s a downloadable PDF with all the instructions … looks like fun!
Fun: Who is your favorite character in a book you’ve read?
Thoughtful: What values do we want to teach our children?
This resource is an ebook, with the questions divided into different sections. It’s most usefully organized resource I’ve seen as I’ve been collecting links.
Being connected. That would be good, right? What happens when you’re feeling a connection to your spouse? Lots of benefits:
A close connection with your spouse
will make encouraging him or her much easier…
You’ll go the extra mile when with a close connection to your spouse. You’ll add extra energy, and want to make things easier, no matter what the situation.
When you’re feeling connected to your spouse, you’ll be energized by being together. Two are more than one, aren’t they?
When you and your spouse are feeling a good connection, you’ll work together – your effectiveness and outcomes will bless everyone around you. Being a blessing is a wonderful outcome, and it leaves a valuable legacy.
With a feeling of connection it’ll be easier to be positive with one another. You’ll speak with cheerfulness. You’ll be optimistic. Even if it’s not a natural part of your personality, being positive will come easier if you feel you have a connection with your spouse.
The years teach us a lot – and people who have collected many years together have a lot to teach. As I’m researching and writing on encouragement in marriage, I’m making it a habit to interview and talk to people married a long time. (“long-time” is relative to where you are in your marriage, I’d imagine. 🙂 )
When I see a couple married more than 40 or 50 years, I see two people who have persevered.
What will the years teach us?
The reason I’m interviewing them is not because I believe they have a perfect marriage. Even I’m not that naive – there’s no such thing as “perfect” and every relationship has weathered storms. The reason I’m asking them questions is because I believe they’ll have something to share – something to teach. And I’m never disappointed.
Here are some of the questions I ask – (as appropriate, of course, to the couple):
Tell me a little bit about your courtship – the road to getting married.
Has there been a person who you admire, or has had an impact on you as a husband/wife? Why and how did this person impact your life?
How do you make important decisions? Do you have a process? Who has final “say”. Why?
How do you encourage each other? (or how do you handle situations when your spouse is feeling down)
Do you set aside specific times to talk, or plan? Has this changed over the years?
How do you ensure you and your spouse are aligned in your core values?
Do you have a daily routine? Is it important? (How has this changed since you’ve been married?)
What strengths or assets do you possess both individually and as a couple that has made your marriage successful all these years.
What is one characteristic that you believe every husband should possess? (for a successful marriage)
What is one characteristic you believe every wife should possess? (for a successful marriage)
What are a few resources you would recommend to someone wanting to become a better husband or wife?
What advice would you give someone going into a marriage?
What are you doing to ensure you continue to grow in your marriage? (how do you invest in your relationship)
The questions are focused to learn what is/was positive in their marriage.
I’ve heard some amazing stories. I’ve learned a lot.
I challenge you – ask yourself and your spouse:
“What positive things have we learned over the years?”
The answers may surprise you!
And I’d love to know too! (if you’d like to share – please shoot me an email at lori @ encourage your spouse (dot) com!)
If you you’re interested, here are 2 stories from the interviews:
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