Jul 31, 2011
Make the plan work when you and your spouse decide to invest time together. This post continues the 10 point marriage tune-up to show you how to value your spouse.
Interruptions and cancellations are a part of life. They happen. But even if you need to cancel at this time, you still need to make the plan work!
Support your spouse’s plans – make the plan work.
When your spouse talks with you about scheduling a dinner or outing and then puts it on the calendar, honor that commitment.
This is more than just spending time with your spouse, this is about understanding what your wife or husband finds important about the activity.
- Maybe they want to connect with you – or others.
- Perhaps it’s about responding to a request or fulfilling a responsibility.
- Maybe your husband/wife needs the chance to laugh, or be creative or learn something.
An activity on the calendar is more than an activity – it’s a declaration of a need.
Make the plan work to meet your spouse’s need – even if it’s not on the original date.
What if you must change the plan? What if something unavoidable shows up and you can’t honor your commitment to do what you’ve said you’d do…? Not everyone has full control over their schedule and when you add children into the mix, even more glitches will show up.
Now what? You need to change the plan.
Start by sharing your issues with your spouse, acknowledging you understand the ‘why’ behind the original intent and your sincere regret – then reschedule.
You’ve done 3 things to show you value your spouse:
- You’ve been clear that you are aware of, and want to honor their desire.
- You have apologized – said you’re sorry, and that you would if you could…
- There’s a new date on the calendar to make the plan work. Again.
Does this seem elementary? We see couples who skip over these steps and find themselves in hot water – particularly in the apologizing part!
No matter how long you’ve been married you can always improve in the art of apology!
We have a favorite book we recommend on giving an effective apology. It’s co-authored by Gary Chapman (of the Five Love Languages) and Jennifer Thomas, called “
An apology isn’t always what you think it is – and how you apologize for issues does matter!
Some people need to hear “I’m sorry – I won’t do that again.” before they feel you regret what has happened. Other people need to hear, “What can I do to make it better?” to feel you’ve apologized completely. And there’s more… This book is a “must read”. You need to handle apology in every part of life, including your relationship with your spouse.
Make the Plan Work
Regardless of why the plan didn’t work in the first place, apologize and reschedule. Make your time together happen. And express how you understand why your spouse wanted to spend time together in the first place. Then your spouse will feel that you value her/him. It only gets better from here…
This post is part of a series! Read the rest HERE.
Jul 30, 2011
Be on time – it’s one way to show you value your spouse. Being on time can be a challenge for some people. They find it difficult to manage their time, and it shows up in marriage as much as it does in a work environment. But unlike so many other resources, time is finite.
Time is more valuable than money. You can get more money, but you cannot get more time.
Jim Rohn
If time management is an issue in your life, then we relate. Time management has been something we’ve struggled with all our married life. However, we come at the issue from two separate points.
Robert is focused on achievement. If there’s a way to fit even one more thing into a day, or an hour, he will try. This means that unless he’s completely accurate in the amount of time each task takes, he will run out of minutes. To be on time means he has left extra room for contingency. I (Lori), on the other hand, have a tendency to procrastinate. (I’m working on it – and even wrote a book on it to address the issue!) Procrastination is a thief of time, regardless of which of the 9 reasons we all procrastinate. I need to be aware of why I’m procrastinating to be on time. We’re still working on this issue, and continue to improve!
One way we demonstrate we value each other is by being available and on time.
Now, not everyone has issues with time management.
You might even be very good managers of time. And yet… we’ve seen couples who are still tripped up by this issue of time when it relates to their spouse and their relationship as husband and wife.
If being late isn’t an issue in life, time may still have an impact on your marriage.
We’ve seen how some couples are very diligent in using their time well, but still can’t fit in time for their spouse – life has too many other focuses. Their spouse gets “bumped” when other issues arise. Could this ever creep into your marriage relationship?
Time for each other is still relevant whether you’re married one year or 60 years. Be on time. Show you value your spouse through the use of your time… and being on time.
Be on time.
I want you to reminisce… remember when you were dating your spouse? Do you remember the anticipation to see each other? You’d watch the clock, preparing for the time to leave so you could be together again.
Show your spouse that you value their time. Don’t be late. Show up when you say you’re going to. Try being early – it demonstrates you can’t wait to be together… again. Still.
Jul 29, 2011
Wait – Let your spouse finish talking before you add your opinion… We are continuing to explore the idea of showing your spouse how very much you value her/him. There are 10 items on this tune-up list and this is the third.
Let your spouse finish speaking – Wait
There’s a good chance you and your spouse have been together for a few years. Perhaps you’ve been together for 10 – 20 – 30 or more years.
Once you’ve been together for a number of years, you know each other pretty well. This is a good thing. So many wonderful experiences you’ve shared, so many trials you’ve endured, and so many challenges you’ve overcome. This man. This woman. You know each other very well, but do you still wait…?
You’ve heard the stories your spouse has to tell. More than once. You know their favorite phrases. Maybe you have a sense of what they’re thinking. Maybe you feel your heart and mind are synced. You’re of one mind. (And maybe you are!)
Still. Don’t finish your spouse’s sentences. Wait.
What the one-you-love has to say, is valuable – you don’t need to jump in because you already ‘know’ what they are going to say. Words can be the window into how your spouse is feeling.
If you interrupt or talk ‘over’ their words, you’ll miss clues to what they’re feeling.
Show your spouse that what she/he says is valuable to you – wait a moment (or two) and give them the opportunity to finish their sentences. You married this person because you were interested in what they had to say. Let your spouse finish talking.
Some of us are slower to express how we feel, and might not share quickly. Maybe we need a bit of time to organize our thoughts.
If you’re the spouse who speaks more quickly, or who organizes thoughts by talking out loud, then there’s a good chance you are talking while your spouse is thinking… this leads to misunderstandings because you’ve already decided something, and your spouse hasn’t had the opportunity to express his/her thoughts yet. How do you handle this?
Wait! Let there be a bit of a lull in the conversation. Be attentive and watch as your spouse forms their thoughts so they feel comfortable to express them. Then wait some more until they’re truly finished.
Plus – even though you feel you know your spouse, and you’ve spent many years together, everyone changes! Don’t assume. Give your spouse the latitude to express how their thinking may have changed on a topic. Ah – there’s so much you could learn about your spouse if you practiced the art of the “pause”… 🙂
“Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.”
Stephen R. Covey, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons in Personal Change
Jul 28, 2011
Brag – Why would you do that?
When women are together with other women, we talk about those we love. We talk about our kids – the chores, the changes, the challenges. And we talk about our spouses.
Unfortunately, when I’m with a group of women, I’m more likely to hear only about the negatives they’re encountering. (Except for this conversation!) I’m sure there are some positives in their marriages. But that isn’t what they’re telling me.
Everyone needs to feel valued – this includes your spouse!
When we value something, we talk about it. Even if your spouse isn’t in the group when you talk about him/her, it will make an impact. It’ll impact the others and shift their focus toward the positive and it’ll (eventually) make your spouse feel valued because that kind of stuff gets passed around. Wouldn’t you like the good stuff to get passed around?
Let’s make the next conversation we have about our spouse focus on the positive aspects – those things we value about our spouse.
#2 of 10 – Ways to Show You Value Your Spouse
This is a series of articles making up a 10 point marriage tune-up! Read the other 10!
Tell your kids/friends what you admire about your spouse.
Be specific.
- about the character qualities that you admire in your spouse.
- on how brilliant your love is in his/her profession or hobbies.
- when you share what your spouse does for you that makes your life easier.
Basically…
BRAG!
I challenge you: Think of something – right now – that you can brag about when you talk about your spouse!
Now, this isn’t a one-up scenario where you are trying to out-do the other people in your group. Rather, this is about being authentically your spouse’s advocate, their PR person, and the one person in the whole world who knows every bad habit, and yet can look past those foibles. (Hint: that person is you – their spouse!)
If it’s hard to find something you admire… try this resource:
Jul 28, 2011
Show Respect – Value Your Spouse – How can that happen? This is the first of ten articles for a Marriage Tune-Up.
What makes a husband and wife relationship work smoothly?
Life moves fast. There are always so many issues and events in a day, and between our jobs, our kids, our neighbors, and co-workers, sometimes our relationship with our spouse can be put on the back-burner.
After all, we made a commitment – and we’re still committed. Nothing has changed there, right?
What creeps in when we’re not paying attention? Laziness. Complacency. If we act in our marriage with an attitude of distraction or complacency, we invariably succumb to some less than exemplary attitudes. And those attitudes are a slow slide into disrespect.
Have you thought about how to show respect?
I believe respecting your spouse is important. Emmerson Eggerichs wrote a thought-provoking book called Love & Respect. – Rob and I talked a lot about this book – it made us consider many things. Eggerichs’ premise is that husbands need to feel respected and wives need to feel loved.
However, I think we need to show our spouse more than respect. (Or perhaps valuing our spouse shows we respect him/her? A chicken/egg conundrum?)
We need to show our spouse that we value him/her.
How do we show and communicate that we value our spouse, despite our frantic lives? It’s not about huge actions, but rather through small and deliberate daily behavior.
Maybe your marriage interactions to demonstrate your value your spouse can be like a tune-up on the engine of your marriage to keep it running smoothly. There are 10 posts.
They aren’t in any particular order – and I imagine you’re already doing some of these, some of the time…
So. Here we go. #1 of 10
Match your tone & words to your body language. Show respect!
Life is hectic. Stress can color our responses. Our language and tone may not always reflect how we’d like to be if we were really paying attention.
For example, I’m sure you’re polite to your spouse and say please or thank you. However, it’s easy for your spouse to wonder whether you really appreciate something he/she has done if your “thank you” is muttered with your back turned to them because you’re busy with something else.
And how many single words (or small phrases) show respect? Just think of your tone of voice when you say,
- “Sure.”
- “Absolutely”
- “Right”
- “That’s tough.”
- “Fascinating”
These words can either show respect through tone… or the opposite. Try them out loud (if you’re by yourself) both ways – with respect and then say them with sarcasm or snippiness. Though these words might seem positive, it all depends on your tone!
Show your husband or wife that you value her/him, by giving your full attention – both when they are speaking and when you are responding. And then use your tone of voice to show respect.
I challenge you – tonight – after the long, busy day… drop what you’re doing, and pay full attention as your love shares their thoughts. Show respect through your body language and tone of voice!
In August 2017 we updated and enriched these series of articles
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