Building Strength – Know your “Why”

Posted on January 31, 2012 by Lori 2 Comments

Define your “why”.

Creating a shared vision and defining what a meaningful life means to both parties is the best way to build strength. ~ from  7 Ways to Build Strength into Your Marriage*

When a husband and wife team have a shared vision – and then pursue this vision – they impact the world around them.  And they build a strong marriage.

This couple met in Paragould, Arkansas when they were in the 5th grade.  They began dating in their junior year and in 1969 were married.  They have 5 children and 13 grandchildren.

So far they sound like a pretty normal couple, right?

What makes Fielden & Janet unique?  Their “why”.

Already as young adults, they had a shared desire to be missionaries in Africa.  While they attended University they became a part of a mission team which moved to Uganda, Africa in 1972.

From fleeing Uganda (because of Idi Amin) in December 1972, to time in Kenya till 2006 they ministered to over 250 congregations,  and built primary and high schools.  They impacted countless people – young and old – for Christ. You’d think that would be a “great enough” vision,  a good enough “why”, wouldn’t you?

With strong marriages & families…

Then, in 2006 this leadership couple moved forward to work in another mission in Tanzania.  Since 1984 this couple has been involved in marriage and family training in Kenya (which makes sense, if you think of being active in congregations and schools), so once in Tanzania they began “The Africa Institute of Marriage and Family”.

Janet and I first began our ministry of family counseling in 1984 when four young couples came to us for advice….

…We began to notice that many African couples were struggling and needed good godly teaching and counseling…

… Janet and I are compelled to do all we can, in every place we can, to strengthen the marriages and families of God’s people in Africa.  With stronger families they can better preach Christ to their fellow tribesmen.

Janet & Fielden carry on in their mission both in Tanzania and Swaziland.  (read more here.)  I don’t belong to their church group, and I know that there are many strong couples serving in missions all over the world.  I use this couple as an illustration.

Know your “why”.

Last week I was part of a visitor’s day sponsored by a group of ladies in business.  There I met Vi – she and her husband are working together to improve the health of people around them.  (they sell a product).  When I asked her what the best thing about working together in this part-time business is, she said:

It saved our marriage.  We had nothing in common until we found (this product).  And now we’re out together all the time and involved in helping people become healthy.

Vi and her husband have found a “why” – their “why”.  It’s building a stronger marriage.

What do you do – together with your spouse – that strengthens your marriage?

Is it your “why”?

~~~~~~~

*This post – the 1st of 7 –  is prompted by a post on my husband’s blog – FergusonValues.  It’s one of my favorite posts of his, so far … :-)   Can you imagine what Robert and my “why” is… ?

encouraging couples, marriage miscellany, support with action

Encouraging Words: Uplift

Posted on January 30, 2012 by Lori 4 Comments

Down-in-the-dumps.

Down-trodden.

Down-in-the-mouth.

Down-cycled.

Downward.

Down-graded.

Down-and-out.

Down-cast.

There are times when you’ve done all you physically can.  There are days where there are no more options.  Sometimes there is no solution.  None.

Where do you turn when you’re done-for? From whom do you seek help?

I will lift up my eyes to the hills

From whence comes my help?

My help comes from the Lord!

Help.  Assistance.  Answers.  Repair.  Renewal.  Deliverance.  Peace.  Joy.

Prayer will lift up.

I pray because I can’t help myself. I pray because I’m helpless. I pray because the need flows out of me all the time – waking and sleeping. It doesn’t change God- it changes me.

~ C.S. Lewis

When you want circumstances to change,

even if it’s only your outlook – or your spouse’s – take time to pray.

Prayer is an action.  Prayer changes things.  Prayer uplifts.

Uplifted = raised & elevated

When you’re raised up and elevated, what happens?  All of a sudden, you can see!

You can see clearly.  You can see over.  You can see around. You can see past.

Encouraging your spouse with prayer is like taking her or him up in an air-balloon.   Prayer cannot remain on the ground.  Prayer is directed upwards to the One who can make a difference – the One who can change circumstances.

Drop to your knees and ask for help.  Intercede on behalf of your spouse.  Hold to the words of Jesus:

Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.  Matthew 7:7-8

Words to Encourage, uplift with prayer

Listen to your Love

Posted on January 26, 2012 by Lori 2 Comments

The first duty of love is to listen.

~ Paul Tillich

When your spouse tells you their dreams – their hopes and a vision for the future – do you listen?

Recently I was in the studio, watching as a couple married 22 years filmed and talked about listening & hearing…

When was the last time you listened – and heard – as your love talked about their vision for the future? Maybe you can sneak away from all the rush this weekend, and talk – and listen…

~~~~~~

The neat part of this couple’s journey is their desire to turn everything they do into a way to serve the Lord.  My husband did the interviews, as a part of a series on values and Leadership Couples.  You can see his post here.

If you’re interested in seeing some of Aimee’s portraits, take a look at her website.

encouraging couples

Love is…

Posted on January 25, 2012 by Lori 1 Comment

Etsy - Fancy Prints

We often see 1Corinthians 13 highlighted at a wedding or anniversary.

Our son and his bride used this verse on their cake and elsewhere at their wedding.

But how often do we translate this verse

– these words -

-the concepts –

into our everyday lives?

Love is patient.  Love is kind.

Life moves fast.  It’s full of responsibilities and interruptions and unexpected mishaps.

Our relationship, our marriages are often pushed to the back-burner and put on simmer because of all the events that need to be microwaved.  We can’t get away from the fast pace of life – at least not that often.  So how do we continue to focus on loving our spouse?

Be patient with your love – show kindness.

Imagine covering your spouse with a blanket

woven from the concepts in 1Corinthians 13.

  • patience
  • kindness
  • selflessness
  • humbleness
  • truth
  • hope
  • trust
  • perseverance

Imagine how warm your relationship would be if it were covered by love…

How do you translate 1Corinthians 13 into your life?

foster with love

A Safe Harbor

Posted on January 25, 2012 by Lori 2 Comments

Alessa, from Carolina Heartstrings, responded to a post a while back – and her response put such a beautiful picture in my mind.

She said:

… I would answer “a safe harbor”. A trusted, comfortable place that one looks forward to being at/with.

Have you become your spouse’s “safe harbor”?

When your spouse comes home to you – do they feel safe?

Comfortable?  Cared for?  Contented?

A harbor is a place sheltered from a storm.  Sometimes a harbor is a natural spot - with deep water protected by land on three sides.  Other times a harbor is created by dredging out a deep spot, and constructing a breakwater.  In either case, boats can dock and weather a storm in relative safety.

Sometimes our lives resemble a storm – with hurricane winds and torrential rain.  When your love spends time with you, can they receive a respite from those storms?

How are you a “safe harbor” for your spouse?

foster with love

Foster – Words to Encourage

Posted on January 23, 2012 by Lori 6 Comments

~ to cherish…

~ to care for…

~ to promote the growth & development of…

Foster with Love

Cherish is such an old-fashioned word.  As a word, it has a tender and delicate feel – not quite up to this century’s raucous and harried pace.

Think of the dedication and attention to detail it would take to make your spouse feel cherished. And yet, if your spouse – your love -felt cherished, how significant and unique it would make him or her feel.

Giving Care.  Care Giving. =  Growth. When we want something to grow, what do we do?  We nurture it, give it our attention and the all resources it needs to develop.

Growing the love in our marriages takes

patience,

and resources.

It takes attention.

It takes a willingness to sacrifice.

Care giving = nurturing.

Giving care = sacrifice.

How do you foster your love for your spouse?

Words to Encourage, foster with love

Who influences you?

Posted on January 19, 2012 by Lori Leave a comment

One of my go-to questions when I interview couples is:

Is there a person who has had an impact on you as a husband/wife?

Sometimes couples immediately identify someone who has impacted their marriage life for the positive.  Often it’ll be parents or grandparents.  That’s good.  And right.  Sometimes it’ll be a minister, or a couple who formally mentors other couples, and sometimes it’ll be friends.

Once a couple starts to talk about who has influenced them, this question triggers conversation on what each person feels is important in a marriage.

I believe there are many people who impact our marriage. But we don’t always take note.  Sometimes we’re influenced even in just a passing encounter…

What got me thinking about this today? A post by Dr. Ann at The Marriage Checklist.   This couple she writes about shared a Bible verse with her – and she remembers that they held hands.  It’s been 15 years – and she still thinks about them.

So – I have a question for you today:

Who influences your marriage?

Pay attention to who is influencing your marriage – for the positive.  Say something to them – give thanks for them.  Let them know why they have been a positive influence on your marriage.  Even the strongest marriage relationship can use some affirmation!

Talk to your spouse about who has been an influence on their understanding of what a husband or wife could/should be.  You may be surprised at the answer.  It’ll definitely create conversation.

What if you don’t have any positive ‘influencers’ for your marriage?

Robert and I enjoy reading, and we learn a lot from books and blog posts on marriage enrichment.  But there’s something extraordinary to experience when you spend time – face to face – learning from and with another married couple…

Perhaps it’s the right time to look for marriage mentors?

We can learn a lot from other couples about encouraging our spouse!

encourage, encouraging couples, support with action

Build each other up.

Posted on January 17, 2012 by Lori 8 Comments

To become strong we need to build each other up…  It’s not a one time thing.  Building strength is ongoing.

Think of an athlete working toward competing in an event.

They don’t just eat one healthy meal and call themselves strong…

They don’t exercise once and declare themselves strong…

They don’t only visualize success once and know they’re going to win…

Wives & Husbands who encourage – continue to build each other up every day!

How are you going to encourage & build up your spouse today?

encourage, fortify with faith

Fortify – Words to Encourage

Posted on January 17, 2012 by Lori 2 Comments

Battlement - Fortress - Stronghold - Garrison - Citadel - Rampart

What do you visualize when you hear these words?

When I hear these words, I think of something precious and protected.  What we value, we protect.  To protect something there must be an element of strength.  Part of encouragement is adding strength…

Fortify

To strengthen.

To add to…

To increase in effectiveness.

How strong are you?  I’m not talking your ability to bench-press 300 pounds.  I’m referring to your ability to be consistent, and wise, and optimistic and truth-filled, etc.  Do you have all the strength you need when dealing with your “life”?  I’m sure there are times when you have all you can handle… or more than you can handle…

If you don’t have all you need – how can you strengthen your spouse?

Where do you start?

Start with a good foundation.

Sometimes a house is built on a ‘footing’ style foundation.  Footings go down into the soil about 3 or so feet (or a meter if you measure stuff using metric).  Mostly it’s just below the frost line, so the earth when it freezes can’t shift the foundation.

When we lived in Texas, our house had a different kind of foundation – nothing went into the ground – the entire 2-story house was supported by a thick slab of concrete.

The other kind of foundation is engineered deep into the ground with driven piles, drilled shafts, and earth stabilized columns, often consisting of steel, or reinforced concrete.  The home we built in Canada (or rather, our Builder… built) had a foundation dug deep into the ground.

My point? Just like a house, your faith must be built upon something strong so it won’t collapse.

Everything starts with a foundation.  To encourage your husband or wife –

Build a strong FAITH foundation.

A cornerstone is known to be the first stone set in a masonry foundation.  It determines the position of the entire structure – and all the other stones are set in reference to this stone.

And what is the cornerstone of a strong, living, growing, thriving faith foundation?

Jesus.

(1Peter 2:6)

To add strength to your spouse and to increase your spouse’s effectiveness first you must build your own foundation of faith.

Fortify with Faith

Take the time to:

  • Read the Bible. This is daunting to some.  I’ve talked with lots of people who don’t understand the words – are confused to the meaning- have no Biblical knowledge and can’t understand the references – so they just don’t read the Bible.  It sits on the shelf gathering dust.  If this is you – IT’S OK! My suggestion?  Buy a kids Bible.  Anytime I need to research a complicated topic I go to the library and check out a stack of kids reference books – they hold the essentials and give me a foundation to begin to understand what I need to know.  A good Children’s Bible will get you started.
  • Sing – or listen to hymns/worship music. The words in old hymns are amazing.  These were written by faith-filled people – many times in circumstances that stretch my comprehension.  Immerse yourself in the music that worships God.
  • Spend time with faith-filled people. Now hear me – I didn’t say perfect people -I’m referring to Christians who practice their faith.  Practice.  (This implies they will be actively making mistakes, and continuing to rely on Jesus’ sacrifice to wipe away their sins.)  Where will you find these Christians?  They’ll gather together – usually on a Sunday.  Pray – ask God – to direct you to where He wants you to go and who He wants you to spend time with…

Fortify yourself first –  that strength will then spread to your spouse.

What other ways do you add to your faith foundation?

Words to Encourage, fortify with faith

I Love You – Letters

Posted on January 12, 2012 by Lori 4 Comments

Imagine a book filled with letters – from a husband to his wife.

In these letters, spanning the course of about 50 years – 1952-2002 – he tells her how much he loves her and talks about how her love makes him feel:

…Your gift to me is uninsurable.  No appraiser can put a value on it… It’s like fruit of the month or a lifetime subscription – a perpetual-motion happiness machine.  It starts off fresh and brand new every day, shining up my whole world…

This man eventually was diagnosed with Alzheimers, and died in 2004.  His wife still lives in California.

As I’m reading this book – all these beautiful, touching, funny letters – I’m so thankful to his wife for sharing.  It’s a beautiful tribute to a man others may only see as a political figure.

I see them as husband and wife.

Encouraging each other.  Loving each other.  Living life together.  Leading a meaningful life – together.  Raising children.  Making an impact on the world – together.

Would you like to meet this husband?

He is the husband of Nancy.  His name is Ronald.

Ronald Reagan – 40th President of the United States of America

Here are a few more quotes from the book:

But what is really important is that having fulfilled our responsibilities to our offspring we haven’t been careless with the treasure that is ours – namely what we are to each other.

I’m looking at you as you lie here beside me on this fifteenth anniversary and wondering why everyone has only just discovered you are the First Lady.  You’ve been the First – in fact the only – to me for fifteen years.

book review, encouraging couples