One of the first items any couple cites when experiencing marriage related issues, is “communication”. So what is communication?
the act or process of using
- words,
- sounds,
- signs,
- or behaviors
to express or exchange information or to express your ideas, thoughts, feelings, etc., to someone else.
Sounds easy, right?
Let’s begin with a basic question when first trying to communicate…
How do you respond to your spouse when he or she asks:
“How are you?”
Ah, yes. One of the most banal questions in our 1st world society.
How.
Are.
You?
Oh – the possibilities!
Over the years, Robert and I have laughed at the responses to this question. (And sometimes cried, also.)
Here are a few responses to the questions of “How are you?” that we’ve heard:
- I’m alive.
- Can’t complain. Nobody listens anyway.
- Fair to middlin’
- Do you care?
- Excellent!
- I’m above ground.
- OK
- I’ve been better.
- Fine. How are you?
- Tired.
Can you relate?
What’s your response to that question?
As unassuming as that question might be, or as conventional a greeting “How are you?” can be, it can be a doorway to deeper communication.
Deeper communication? How deep do you want to go?
Gary Chapman has a valuable descriptor on the levels of communication . (I read this a few years ago, and it’s stuck with me.)
Level 1: Hallway Talk – “Fine, how are you?”
Level 2: Reporter Talk – “Just give me the facts.”
Level 3: Intellectual Talk – “Do you know what I think?”
Level 4: Emotional Talk – “Let me tell you how I feel.”
Level 5: Loving, Genuine Truth Talk – “Let’s be honest.”
read the whole article at Marriage Vine. I imagine it’ll make an impact for you too!
Husbands and wives have a greater connection if they can move up the level toward Chapman’s model of a loving, genuine truth talk. (Level 5)
My suggestion is to start with something which is supposed to be simple:
“How are you?”
Describing How You Are – 2 Ideas
Describing the “how” of how we are, is a multi-dimensional endeavor. How you are physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally, etc. can rarely be summed up in one word – or even two or three.
If time allows, it’s good to be descriptive. (But please don’t confuse descriptive with complaining and grumbling!)
However, if time doesn’t allow, or it’s not an appropriate spot or space to descriptively share how you’re doing with your spouse, you need a different strategy. The key is to be prepared ahead of time.
Give these two ideas a try and see which one works best for you and your spouse. (At least right now – because life is all about change. What worked years ago, might not work now, and what will work now, might not work next year…)
1. The Overview: On a scale of 1-10
This for when you only have moment or two to communicate how you’re feeling/doing, and nobody else needs to really know what you’re communicating. It gives an overview. It’s an easy, quick, and effective way to give an overview to your spouse on where you are at this moment in time. Use a scale of 1 to 10, where one is horrible and ten is excellent.
Robert and I have used this in a gathering where our “how are we” scale was rapidly devolving toward a 1. A simple raise of an eyebrow, and a verbal response of “three”, gave him the information that we’d better be calling it a night! Nobody else needed to know, but we were still communicating on a deep level.
2. Dividing to Conquer: Which part?
Sometimes our physical self is doing great, but our emotional well-being is lagging. Other times we’re quite happy inside, but our outer being isn’t working right (we’re tired, or our knees are hurting, etc.). Face it, responding to “How are you?” with a response of, “I’m fine.” isn’t going to work.
Can I remind you of something? Our spouses are not mind-readers.
If we are behaving in a manner that shows outwardly we’re not well, (sighing, lagging behind, frantically busy etc.) often your husband or wife can’t tell if it’s something physical, or if it’s emotional or spiritual.
Be kind. Give them a clue. (Again. Your spouse is not a mind reader!)
Respond to the question, “How are you?” with, “I’m feeling physically fine, but I’m worried about this (and this, this and this).” or “I’m really great inside, it’s just too bad my body hasn’t caught up with my mood.” By dividing to conquer the question “How are you?”, your spouse doesn’t have to wonder – or make up stories in their mind – about all the things that might have no relevance.
Your spouse can then encourage you in the part that really matters.
So… “How are you?”
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