Social networking has made this verb – befriend – a phenomenon.  However, in the social media sense we call it “friending”  or “friended”  or some other incorrect grammatical phrase.  (I’m not even going to touch the term “de-friend”!)

Befriend:

• to make a friend
• to become friendly with
• to help or aid

What is a friend?

I’m a little sad that social networking has diluted the word “friend”.  I think there’s a big difference between being friendly – and being a friend.  Perhaps befriending someone starts the process of becoming a friend …

What qualities would you look for in a friend – what qualities would you be willing to live and give?

• loyalty
• kindness
• optimism
• ?

I have a hunch our definition has shifted as time progressed and our life changed.

What about your husband or wife?

Have you asked your spouse to define “friend” ?

It’s not enough to understand your definition of a friend.

Have you ever asked your spouse to explain what friendship – being a friend – means to him or her?   A collection of friends may or may not reflect your wife or husband’s true definition of a friend.  I imagine some friends fulfill some attributes…

Can we be friends with our spouse?

I refer to Robert as my friend – my best friend.  We began as friends at 15 & 17 and in some ways we’ve grown up together.  Our friendship has definitely changed since we were teenagers.  And yet aspects have remained the same:  we still love to talk to each other, we still love to laugh together, we still love to explore together.

Friendship enhances the bond of love between a husband and wife.  It’s multifaceted and fluid.  It’s valuable.  In their book, Real Marriage, Grace & Mark Driscoll have written an entire chapter on friendship as it relates to marriage.  They say at the beginning of the chapter:

All the talk about spending time, and doing life together, making memories, being a good listener, growing old and taking care of each other, being honest, having the long view of things, repenting and forgiving can be summed up in one word–friendship.

… we read all or part of 187 books on marriage… not one of those books had one chapter or major section of a chapter on marital friendship…

Are you a friend to your spouse?

‘Amicu certus in re incerta cernitur’  

A friend in need, is a friend indeed.  (or in deed).

Part of the definition of “befriend” is to help and to give aid.

If you are your spouse’s friend, you will notice how they are feeling.  You’ll take note of what they say and do and how they react.  You’ll pay attention.  A faithful friend is emotionally invested.

Friendship is an integral part of a truly Christian marriage and a safeguard against emotional adultery.

~ Grace & Mark Driscoll

Emotional Fidelity – is that a part of your definition of ‘friend’?

I enjoyed the book Real Marriage, but my favorite chapter was the one on friendship. It had substance to explore.  The Driscolls used the letters of FRIEND as an illustration of married friendship:

F – fruitful

R – reciprocal

I – intimate

E – enjoyable

N – needed

D – devoted

I’d recommend the book for the 23 pages from the chapter ‘Friend with Benefits’ alone!

Encouraging a Friend

How do you encourage someone?  First befriend them.

Be a friend.

Have you befriended your spouse?  Maybe you need to start over…

Do a little digging to find out what you believe a friend is – and then discover what your spouse feels about friendship.  (Maybe it’s changed since you were first married?)

Try this equation:

(Thoughtful Questions + Quality Listening) x Time Together = Intimate Knowledge

This is my beloved, this is my friend…

Song of Songs 5:16

We can encourage our friend – our spouse – when we know them.

How can you devote time to work on your friendship with your spouse?  How will you be your spouse’s friend – today?