Aug 7, 2012
Do two walk together unless they have agreed to do so?
~ Amos 3:3
Where are you and your spouse going?
It’s not really a hard question – “Where are you going?”
You’re going forward, right?
But are you going forward, moving in the same direction, with your spouse? That’s a little more difficult to answer.
Marriage = 2 people journeying through joys & sorrows, advancing in agreement.
Advance: To move toward or go forward. To increase. To improve or make progress, grow or rise.
Can you advance together if you’re not in agreement?
Nope. At least, not with any degree of peace…
Mission statements, and a vision for the future are powerful tools if a couple takes the time to search for and create them.
But if you’re going to simplify or just begin in a direction – may I suggest one powerful way to advance – together – in peace?
Decide to walk together in faith.
The opposite of faith is fear. And fear is a lousy driver – it’s all over the road.
Faith has a focused direction & a great destination.
When you’re focused on faith you advance with confidence.
“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” ~ Deuteronomy 31:6 NIV Also see: Psalm 27:3 – Isaiah 41:10
When you’re focused on faith you advance with joy.
“Fear not, O land; be glad and rejoice: for the Lord will do great things.” Joel 2:21 KJV
When you’re focused on faith you advance – knowing all is provided.
“Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been pleased to give you the kingdom.” ~ Luke 12:32
“For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.” 2Timothy 1:7
Encourage your spouse by expressing faith – in God.
Fortify with Faith. It only takes one to start – faith is catchy. It’s contagious. You have the opportunity to turn from fear toward faith – and strengthen your spouse along the way. (Fear leads nowhere.)
Begin with faith, join together in agreement – then advance forward.
Aug 1, 2012
You are a spouse.
A Wife – A Husband
In our role as husband or wife, different seasons in marriage require varying talents.
There are seasons where one spouse may wear the badge “wage-earner” and the other “child-nurturer”. Later in life we’ve seen husband or wife wear the tag “care-giver” for the other.
Being a husband – or wife – means shifting from one label to another as our path through marriage necessitates. It’s a fluid process and we’re rarely aware of the label we’re wearing.
What other labels might we wear in our role as spouse?
- head cook and bottle washer
- laundry chief
- financial guru
- killer-of-the-spiders
- maintenance maven
- food
critic tester
- jar opener extraordinaire
- chauffeur
- romantic bed-rocker
- voice-of-reason
- celebration whiz
- barbecue ace
- merriment initiator
Some tags we always wear.
In marriage there are some tags both husband and wife always wear. (I’m sure you have your list of must-haves.)
May I suggest one more?
An Advocate
An Advocate: supports, watches over, urges, defends, pleads for and champions
One of the most fulfilling volunteer experiences I ever had was as a Court Appointed Special Advocate (CASA) for children in foster care. (Another name is Guardian Ad-Litem)
Here’s what a CASA does:
“CASA volunteers are appointed by judges to watch over and advocate for abused and neglected children, to make sure they don’t get lost in the overburdened legal and social service system or languish in inappropriate group or foster homes. Volunteers stay with each case until it is closed and the child is placed in a safe, permanent home. For many abused children, their CASA volunteer will be the one constant adult presence in their lives.” ~ from the National CASA website
As a CASA I got to know the child by listening, and talking with everyone in that child’s life. No matter how many foster care homes, case-workers or schools the child experienced, I was there to pay attention to what was happening in their life. My role was to listen – then share information with the judge who would make the ultimate decision for what would be best for that child. The judge expected me to advocate – support, watch over, defend and plead – for that child. And pass all information I had on to him/her.
Spouse as Advocate
Has your spouse ever gone through moments – hours – days or months where they felt lost or neglected – when they lost their strength and became weak?
Have you stood with your spouse, listening, and caring for them with a constant heart? Have you spoken up for your spouse, perhaps in front of friends or family? Have you defended your spouse from abuse and misuse?
Have you shared with God their woes, their concerns, their heartaches? Have you asked for what they need – on their behalf?
You have been an advocate.
Advocating for your spouse is one aspect of encouragement that isn’t about cheer, or achieving goals or building. But it is about strength.
An advocate stands in the gap. An advocate bridges a gap.
Christ is our advocate.
… But if anybody does sin, we have an advocate with the Father—Jesus Christ, the Righteous One.
~1 John 2:1
Who is a better example as an advocate than Jesus? His prayer in John 17 is a beautiful example of an advocate sharing with the One who makes all decisions.
Have you ever stood as an advocate for your spouse?
Linking with Haven of Rest
Linking to Wifey Wednesdays
Jun 26, 2012
How can a “dis” word be an encouraging word?
We would never use the word “dis-courage”. And yet, this word – dissuade – is a synonym of discourage!
When would you not encourage your spouse?
Imagine…
Two companions, while walking arm-in-arm down a road chatting and laughing, come to a fork in the road.
Their path to this point has had some challenges – fallen logs, swamps, uphill climbs, and uneven spots. They’ve helped each other through the uncomfortable spots. They’ve given thanks for the easy, wide areas.
Now they’re at a fork.
A choice must be made. Which is the best direction?
Influence
As husband and wife, we share a bond of trust. We’ve made it through some rocky times. We’ve shared some pinnacles. There’s history.
Because we share life together and help each other over the hurdles and celebrate the wins, we are in a position to influence our spouse’s decisions one way – or another.
Most times encouragement is what is needed.
With a little push to move forward, an extra hand to help, or the belief and validation that our spouse is on the right course, we affirm a choice of direction. We put courage into our spouse.
However.
There are times when we have the responsibility to dissuade our spouse from going in a particular direction.
Dissuade = to deter by persuasion or advise against.
Do Not
Deterrence starts with paying attention to the ‘do nots’. There are a lot of “do nots” in God’s word:
- do not lie
- do not kill
- do not want what others have
- do not worship other gods
- do not withhold good
- do not love sleep (really! Proverbs 20:13)
Read Proverbs – you’ll get a bucket-load full of ‘do nots’!
(Note: As I searched through BibleGateway.com for the term “do not”, I found lots of good “do nots” also. Many of them began with “Do not be afraid…“.)
How do you decide when to dissuade your spouse from a direction?
- It goes against God’s Word. This is pretty easy to discern if you’re living your faith and you have a working knowledge of scripture. Of course, seeking input from other believing Christians will hone your understanding of scripture and what God desires from His children. You’re still fortifying your spouse with faith – but in this case you’re dissuading her or him from a direction that you’ve learned God may not bless.
- You’ve prayed about it. This one is a bit trickier. It starts with your heart and focus being right. Praying for God’s will to reign is key. Not what you believe or wish for – but for God to show direction according to His will. No more than God’s will. No less than God’s will. God’s will no matter the cost. You’re still uplifting your spouse with prayer, but the focus is on God’s will for the decision. (Oh, it’s so easy to be self-centered. This one has tripped me up – major big time.)
When else would you know to dissuade your spouse from a direction?
When is it right to advise against a direction?
Jun 6, 2012
Kindling. Small bits of wood or twigs used to start a fire.
I must confess, I love fire. Anything from a contained fire in the fireplace, to a campfire, or a huge, soaring bonfire, all put a smile on my face. (Fortunately, Robert is a bit more conservative and watches carefully to be sure safety comes first.)
As a small child I watched my Dad build campfires – I learned from him to begin with a bit of crumpled paper, then thin, dry bits of wood or twigs placed carefully around the paper standing in a triangular shape. From that base, we added thinner chopped wood, and gradually built the triangular shape outward with larger logs.
However, the most important part was the crumpled paper and the dry bits of wood and twigs. When it came time to light the campfire, what ignited first and created the intense heat (from the inside out) to burn the heavy logs, was an effective base of kindling.
Intense heat builds from the inside – out.
How can you light a fire in your marriage?
Pay attention to your kindling! What are you using to kindle your marriage fire?
Just like building a campfire, what is at the base makes a difference. Soggy paper and damp wood just can’t ignite.
So it is in a marriage. Negativity, lack of focus & passivity won’t light up your relationship.
Use Optimism as kindling.
What message are you sharing with your spouse? Analyse your conversations to see if the majority of words spoken are focused on the negative or the positive sides of your life together.
It’s also the small things – like the articles you ‘forward’ via email etc. to your spouse – that contain clues. Are they positive focused, or doom-and-gloom-the-world-is-ending-and-there’s-nothing-we-can-do-about-it… type of communications?
And if you’re thinking that all you are doing is being realistic – well – I propose a pessimist by any other name is still a pessimist. (Yes, I’m a little emphatic on the topic of realism!)
May I remind you:
… What is impossible with man is possible with God.
~ Luke 18:27
To kindle your optimism:
- search for optimistic Bible verses and quotes to share with your spouse
- share positive stories and experiences
- pray for an optimistic outlook – ask God to direct your eyes to the good He is doing in your lives
- be thankful – optimism grows from gratitude
Check out this post about Keeping Optimism Alive in your Marriage for more ideas.
Use Focus as kindling.
What you focus on has an impact on the direction your life takes.
Focus on reading the Bible, and you’ll grow deep into the Word of God. Focus on eating food good for your body and you’ll become healthy. Focus on moving more and you’ll increase your stamina.
What are you focusing on in your marriage? Are you focused on your marriage – at all?
Giving your leftover time to your spouse isn’t going to kindle a fire in your marriage. Focus on spending quality time together. Plan it. Put it on your calendar. Be proactive in showing your spouse how brightly you want your marriage to burn.
To get your creative ideas flowing, check out the date night ideas at The Romantic Vineyard.
Take Action to kindle a fire.
Doing nothing gets you nothing. 0 + 0 = 0
I’ve been spending time with a lady who is preparing to launch a program called *Marriage Dance. It incorporates learning ballroom dance with Biblical truths about marriage.
Her material drew my attention to how a husband & wife relationship mirrors a dance – the husband leads and invites his wife to follow. She doesn’t lean, but rather holds her own weight as she follows his lead. Both leading & following are actions. No dancing happens if neither party leads or follows.
Husbands: How is your leading? Are you leading your family in the way God has designed? Have you invited your wife to follow?
Wives: How are you following? Have you accepted your husband’s invitation? Really? How do you show your willingness to follow? Do you hold your own weight in the marriage?
What action have you neglected lately? Maybe you’re too busy elsewhere and need to dial back some activities to give your marriage priority. On what do you spend focused time – together? Maybe you need to pray for a new activity to lead a life with purpose and meaning – together… Do you have a plan for your life so you leave something greater than just the two of you?
Pay attention to your kindling!
If you want your marriage relationship to blaze brightly, start with great kindling.
Build a HUGE bonfire of a marriage. And don’t be concerned – if you’re following God’s will for your meaning filled life, HE will supply the fuel to keep your marriage burning!
*If you’re interested in reading more about Marriage Dance, check out the blog and stay tuned as she adds new posts. (And in the near future a way to participate in a Marriage Dance workshop!)
As a side note – here’s what “kindle” means – use your imagination to adapt these meanings to your marriage! 😉
Kindle ~ to set alight or start to burn ~ to arouse or become aroused ~ to make or become bright ~ to excite, stir or animate…
and here’s an obscure definition I didn’t know ~ To give birth. (as in kittens or rabbits)
May 22, 2012
Question: What do you think…
Is she adding to her spouse’s group of boxes?
or
Is she removing a box – ready to carry it herself?
This is an odd image – when I first saw it, I perceived it as a story where she was accepting a box to carry from the load her spouse was holding… then I looked closer, and realized it might be the opposite. What do you think?
Encouragement is about lightening the load.
How does your spouse perceive your support – do you add to their burden or do your actions lighten the load?
-01.png)
