Jul 1, 2016
Appreciation – It’s all about “A” – Values in Marriage – 27 days & 27 values to enrich your marriage.
Encourage your spouse with appreciation!
In the listing of 400+ values Robert has defined, there are 40 values beginning with the letter “A”.
To begin our 27 values in marriage in 27 days I’ve chosen the value “APPRECIATION” as our “A” word to encourage our spouse! (I’m doing an Instagram challenge – photos a-z in July – check out our Instagram account!)
The Value of Appreciation
Appreciation is
An expression of gratitude; recognition of excellence; accurate perception.
5 Ways to Appreciate your Spouse
Here are 5 ways to express gratitude, recognize excellence and really see how amazing your spouse is:
Make a list of your spouse’s character qualities you admire. First we need to really see how amazing our spouse is… use the free resource found here on Gumroad if you have trouble making a list.
Compliment your spouse on one of those character qualities you admire about him/her. Learn more about complimenting your spouse in this post from the archive. It’s all about recognizing excellence!
Here’s a game to challenge yourself to recognize how much you appreciate your spouse. It’s called a “Penny for Your Thoughts” – learn how to play this game in this post.
Send your spouse a Postagram to say “thank you” for something she/he has done. It’s a free app you can use on your smart phone. Take a photo of something your spouse does for you regularly (you’ve noticed those things by playing the above game). Use that photo and the Postagram app to send a post card in the mail to say “thank you”.
Thank God for your spouse. We’re so good at asking for stuff… why not give Him thanks for creating this wonderful human being to be your spouse. Your spouse is wonderfully and fearfully made. Let your spouse hear you thank God for her/him.
I’m putting these posts – “A to Z” Values – all under the FAMILY portion of this site. Why? Every one of these Values words will be a blessing to each spouse – but more than that… they’ll benefit your whole family!
Imagine if you appreciate your spouse – what kind of impact will that have on your family? On your children? I’m guessing that your children and family will only benefit as they watch the two of you appreciating each other for the unique people God made you to be.
This is an Instagram challenge for July 2016 – A to Z and a few numbers… check out our Instagram account!
The posts in this series can be found on the PAGE – 27 Values to Enrich your Marriage
May 13, 2016
Fun Work – what is that?
“It’ll be Fun!” My husband knows me well – he’ll often entice me to an activity or task all wrapped up in a coating of fun. Yes. After 32 years of marriage, Robert knows what’ll motivate me. And I’ve learned to identify my barriers to a task, and he fills in to negate them. So “it” will be fun!
The Value of Fun in Work and Marriage
As a differentiating value, Fun means
activities that are enjoyable or amusing; playfulness; or therapeutic refreshment.
I’m sure it won’t come as a surprise to you if I share that there isn’t much fun in some work. Taxes. Cleaning out the garage. Some work is just that. Work. However, as a husband and wife who want to embrace the value of fun in their work and marriage, then attitude is the muscle that needs to be exercised. Marriage is a lot of work. Why shouldn’t it be fun work?
(Note: I was going to make a list of all the things in marriage that are work and put it here – but I decided that wouldn’t be much fun… 😉 I’m guessing you can think up your own list if you need to.)
Can you be playful with your spouse as you work? Can you feel refreshed as the work gets done? Sometimes our attitude is the barrier…
An Attitude
Stuff needs to get done – even in a meaningful life as husband and wife. However, if you get the mundane work done with an attitude of playfulness and build in refreshment, then you can keep fun in the work!
5 Ways to Be Playful Even if the Work Needs to be Done
- Play energetic music. The most mundane work can be fun with the right music playing! Wear headphones if it’s not appropriate for the environment you’re working in – just start the music at the same time as your spouse, and you’ll be movin’ and boppin’ on the same beat!
- Dress the part. Yes – I’m serious! Cleaning is much more fun if you put a bandana around your head, roll up your shirt sleeves and play the part. Dance with the broom as you sweep… (You get the idea, right?)
- Use a board game as a marker of getting things done. Think of Snakes and Ladders – every time you get part of the work done (you’ve already determined the way-points), then you get a chance to roll the dice and move your piece. If the game isn’t done before the work is done, then you get to finish the game as part of the fun!
- Take photos – use funny expressions – kiss! and smile! It’s been proven that smiling changes mood.
- Listen to comedians. (Or tell your own jokes.) SiriusXM Satellite Radio has comedy channel options. Try the library to see which CDs they have of your favorite comedians. (Sometimes you can request that the library purchase some if they don’t have what you’re looking for.) Or invest in some of your own CDs – or digital downloads. There are lots available in whatever fashion you and your spouse find funny. (Rob and I like Bill Engval.)
5 Ways to Build in Refreshment During the Work That Needs to be Done
- Break to stretch. In fact – you can even do some stretches together! Or try a bit of Tai Chi.
- Drink! (No – not that kind of drinking… or maybe. 😉 ) Staying hydrated keeps your head in the game and feeling refreshed. Be fun and make different flavors of iced tea, or mix up a smoothy… or enjoy popsicles…
- Kiss! Oh, come on – what’s not refreshing about a nice kiss, part way through the work?
- Nap. Grab a 10-20 minute nap to refresh yourself during the work. Here are some more benefits to power naps in a post on Health Ambition.
- Break to be alone or connect – according to how you build energy. Extroverts: phone someone and say hello! Introverts: find some solitude to reflect.
Fun Work is Possible!
Just get your attitude muscle flexing, and you can mix in playfulness, and refreshment into the work, making it fun work!
Are you avoiding the work? Why?
You might be procrastinating to avoid the work that needs to get done… Maybe you don’t know where to start – or you think someone else should be doing that work.
There are nine reasons we all procrastinate. (There’s a book about moving past that procrastination problem, if you’re interested.) If you know which of the nine reasons is stopping you from getting the work done, then it’s easier to remove the barrier.
Here’s an illustration – it’s pretty simple, and kind of silly, but it’s real. Maybe you wouldn’t find this a problem… Think of something you’re avoiding doing, if it helps.
Robert’s shirt needs a button sewn on. This usually isn’t much fun as a task by itself… and I’ve been procrastinating. Rob would really like to wear his shirt. (And yes, he does know how to sew on his own button, but I offered and I’d like to do something nice for him.)
Yes – I know how to sew on a button, so lack of knowledge isn’t the procrastination problem. Maybe I’ve been been hoarding my energy for something else? (Otherwise known as laziness.) But, after consideration, the real procrastination problem is that I don’t have the button – the washing machine ate it.
Rob removed the barrier for me by suggesting I use the button at the top collar, which he never buttons up. And then he suggested we watch a movie together and I can do it while I’m enjoying the movie.
See? No more procrastination and Fun Work.
Move past procrastination, and add in some fun.
If you’re stuck, or avoiding the work you need to get done – first decide why you’re avoiding it, then add in some fun. Anything is possible if you work together.
As a husband and wife you’re a team… Encourage each other!
Jan 24, 2016
Communication is important. Words matter, but so does tone, and intent. How do you marry words, tone, and intent to support fun communication? Use the values you and your spouse live!
What values are you holding high when you communicate with your spouse? And how does it affect your family? Stop with the overwhelming seriousness, and choose to live with a bit of fun communication.
When your spouse calls on the telephone, how do you respond? What about when you first see your spouse – in the morning, at supper, or after a business trip? How does your spouse – and your family – know what’s behind your words?
What’s behind the words?
Forget the specific words. What emotion or feeling is behind them? Are you anxious and annoyed, or enthusiastic and excited? Are you serious – or do you sound bored?
The shift to misunderstanding is subtle and often happens without us even noticing, especially if we’re not deliberate in our values, and in living our values as husband and wife.
- Maybe we disagreed on what to eat for dinner or what restaurant to visit. Oh, well.
- Someone forgot to pick up milk and bread. Suggest eating cake!
- Maybe your spouse overlooked an important event for a family member. Invent a new event!
- Or worse yet, forgot your birthday or anniversary. Make it a month-long celebration.
These are not critical or life threatening issues. It’s just part of everyday living. Not-so-nice things happen. How we respond is where the rubber meets the road.
Respond to issues with your values in mind. Especially those which promote fun communication.
When you’re choosing your values – keep communication in mind.
Lori and I have chosen three differentiating values by which to live our lives. They’re Loyalty – Optimism – Discovery.
The value which has the greatest impact on our communication is optimism. In the ebook we wrote together, “Discover Your Differentiating Values – a Guide and Workbook for Couples”, there’s a section at the back we call our personal manifesto on the values we live. Here’s part of what we say about Optimism, and how we choose to live it.
On Optimism: When a decision in word or deed is necessary, we work to be optimistic regardless of the price. Not all of life is positive. (I’m sure that doesn’t come as a surprise to you, does it?) Some stuff that happens can be really lousy and decisions from these lousy situations are a grouping of highly priced options – there’s no clear winner. Regardless of the price which comes from the decision we make – we will frame it in our hearts, words, and memories in a positive light. Even if the only positive we can find is deciding we learned something.
I’m sure there are those who find our deliberate optimism disingenuous. Or annoying. But it’s a value-choice we’ve made for our life and we strive to live it. Choosing to be optimistic has brought us much joy, even in the face of what others would name as disaster.
We’re optimistic when we speak with others when we speak with each other, and we try to be optimistic even in prayer. Does it come naturally? No. But it’s worth it!
What other values would support great communication?
Consider these values if you’re building a great way to communicate:
Not surprisingly, couples who embrace the value of cheerfulness possess something extra to deal with the normal challenges of life – especially when communicating.
The Value of Cheerfulness
As a differentiating value,
Cheerfulness means noticeably happy and optimistic; bright and pleasant.
Some may view this as a Pollyanna principle and fake. Those individuals don’t understand the power of this value. We all live through times of adversity, hardships, and challenges. And when they occur, they can affect us physically, mentally, emotionally and/or spiritually.
A cheerful spouse can remind us that we don’t have to face problems alone. And our cheerful husband/wife can give us a different perspective that leads us to see the positives in every challenge.
Will being cheerful always be easy? No.
Attitude is a Choice.
If our attitude, like the values we live by, is under our control, why not pick good ones?
Far too often we take ourselves too seriously, and everything we go through can appear a life or death situation. Lighten up! What if we burn the toast, or dent the car, or fail to remember to pick up the dry-cleaning. Life is not over as you know it!
How much of our life is really that serious?
Being cheerful can help us put everything back into perspective.
However, I must acknowledge – there are limits. As Lori often reminds me: no singing in the morning!
How can the value of cheerfulness benefit your marriage?
Dec 9, 2015
Is your marriage lacking depth?
Maybe you feel like the conversations with your spouse are mostly “surface stuff” such as discussing who is picking up the kids from school today or what’s the plan for dinner. There aren’t a lot of profound conversations happening, rather its a lot of light information sharing…
And when you do manage to get some quality time together, what do you talk about? Work? The kids? Sports? Hobbies? Your plans for the coming week?
While these topics might be relevant items in your life, they don’t foster a rich and more meaningful marriage relationship.
Here’s the problem: having intellectually stimulating conversations do not magically happen. Saying to your spouse “Tell me something interesting” will not suddenly open the floodgates of meaningful thoughts, ideas, and emotions.
However, embracing depth as a differentiating value can help to significantly strengthen a marriage.
Depth: astuteness; the intellectual ability to penetrate deeply into ideas; profound
Discovering Your Shared Values in Marriage
I’ve been studying values since 2009, writing about values in business since 2011, and presenting my research to leaders on our 18-month tour of North America. Values are more than the expected, common values… after researching, I’ve found there are 17 Common Values in business. If we were talking about the common, expected values in marriage, perhaps we’d reference the nine Fruit of the Spirit. (Galatians 5:22-23)
However, there are also differentiating values – those values which make each company, each person, each couple, unique.
Of course, everything we do translates into marriage, so Lori and I completed a guide and workbook about values for couples. We’ve found that if couples live their own – differentiating – values, their life together has greater meaning, the decisions they make will align, and the legacy they leave has depth. (You can find out more about our book here.)
What if you wanted to explore the value of Depth in your marriage – what could you do differently?
5 Ways To Improve the Depth of Your Marriage
- Ask open-ended questions. Try and avoid ‘Yes/No’ responses. Ask questions such as: “How does that (subject) make you feel?” or “What’s important about that (issue/topic) to you?” Check out our little e-booklet about asking questions.
- Give your undivided attention. Listen carefully. Observe closely. Watch for non-verbal cues that suggest a change in emotion (then ask a relevant question).
- Learn together. Do a book study or watch an informational DVD together and then discuss. Make sure it’s a topic you are both interested in. A couple that sows together grows together.
- Make it a game. Have some fun and make up your own game where you test each other’s ability to solve a particular problem or identifying possible solutions to common issues (e.g. how to get your grumpy neighbor to smile).
- Tell stories. Go beyond the basic facts. Explain why the subject is important; who is impacted by a particular decision; and how all of this makes you feel.
Allowing yourself to be vulnerable with your spouse is the doorway to building a deeper relationship and a lasting marriage.
Depth Takes Time
Working on the value of depth takes time. However, its power is exponential. The benefits of having deep conversations, and exploring new ideas has a profound impact on your lives as a couple, and can include your children, and extended family.
But there could be more…
Include Depth into your Faith Life
What if you also practiced the value of Depth in your relationship with God? What would that look like?
- You’d set aside time for solitude, just waiting on God – putting Him first.
- You’d invest time in prayer – expressing and searching for God’s will for your life.
- You’d delve into God’s Word. Searching. Learning. Growing.
- You’d lead like Jesus – He would be your role model as a leader.
- You’d serve – focusing on loving your neighbor as yourself.
What could the value of Depth do for your life?
Just spend a few moments, and consider what would happen if you adopted the value of Depth into your everyday life – into your marriage, your relationship with your kids, and even more profoundly – your relationship with Jesus?
Thankful to link with
Worshipful Wednesdays – Messy Marriage
Aug 19, 2015
Camaraderie is natural when a couple starts their married life. Life’s an adventure – everything is new and shiny. Normal life seems a bit brighter because you’re sharing it with someone you love.
Do you remember your first few months of marriage?
Some people have their most challenging moments within those first twelve months – others still have a glow for a year or two, before some jarring discomfort sets in.
In every case, keeping the value of camaraderie alive will spark your marriage all through that first year, that first decade and all the way to a half century and more!
Don’t let your sense of camaraderie fade!
Camaraderie is a value with a few nuances – one of them is the introduction of closeness… And it’s the deliberate pursuit of closeness which will keep the camaraderie in the relationship strong.
Camaraderie and Closeness
Camaraderie means a spirit of familiarity and closeness; chumminess.
Consider the importance of closeness.
Closeness means familiarity; a feeling of being intimate and belonging together.
This closeness is at the heart of a strong marriage. While I know some will zero in on the part of ‘being intimate’ – and that is important – I encourage you not to lose sight of the last part:
– ‘belonging together.’
It’s about being friendly – to each other. (What a concept, huh? Being friends with your spouse!)
How to add camaraderie to your marriage.
Here are eight ways to promote the value of camaraderie to enhance your marriage:
1) Develop a shared vision or purpose for your life. Nothing fosters camaraderie like a common goal and a reason to collaborate together. Often a vision comes from knowing your shared values as a couple.
2) Make time for quality time. Sitting watching TV together doesn’t count. What are you planning and how are your being purposeful for your time together? (Maybe this is where a regular date-night comes in?)
3) Face-to-face communication. This is the best way to tackle issues together and brainstorm in an open, respectful environment. You’ll also feel progress as you build off of each other’s ideas. If you find communicating with your spouse difficult (and who doesn’t at certain points in a marriage), then I recommend a fellow blogger’s website – Brian is a counselor on the front lines, helping people build, improve and restore their marriages.
4) Allow for independence. Camaraderie happens when two accomplished people join forces. As in every team sport, players have certain strengths. They all practice their strengths independently, yet come together to make a strong team. It’s no different in marriage.
5) Break bread together. Yes, sharing a meal is a great catalyst for building camaraderie. And it often includes laughter, the sharing of stories, or even just peaceful moments together with no expectations. Stop eating on-the-go, or in front of the TV – sit down at a fully-dressed dining table, or at a picnic table in a park, or a spot you found when you were dating… face each other, and experience life together as you eat.
6) Regular meetings. Check in with each other – at least weekly – to be sure you and your spouse are aligned. Never assume! Be clear and deliberate with about activities, potential issues, and preferred outcomes. The busier your schedule, the more important this time becomes. Use your shared values to make decisions. Those shared values in a husband and wife team are like signposts along the way. It’s easier to say “no” or “yes” if you know your shared values as a couple! (click here to learn how to discover your own shared values in marriage)
7) Help out when needed. While you respect the independence of your spouse, camaraderie is built when you respond to a need, shore up a weakness, or when you stand beside each other in success and failure. No special recognition is needed – you’re a team.
8) Encourage your spouse. Often what is needed most to feel close, to feel familiar with each other, and intimate, is encouragement. Use all five ways to encourage your spouse.
Making your spouse, your friend – Using the Value of Camaraderie
The rewards of fostering camaraderie are significant. You’ll not only enjoy the satisfaction of being part of a successful team, you’ll have a lifelong friend.
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