This painting is an “elaborate fiction” commissioned by a grieving widower.
My mom and I visited the North Carolina Museum of Art during Christmas holidays. It’s an amazing collection of works of art. As we viewed a gallery, took some photos (without a flash) and read the notes at the side of each painting, a commentary struck me:
“… an ideal image of himself, the self he wishes to bequeath to posterity.”
Unlike photos, where we might be caught unaware and exactly as we are, commissioned paintings were meant to present an ideal.
The painting above is of the Pepperrell Family, painted by John Singleton Copely. This family – one of the wealthiest in Boston – was loyal to England, and was exiled around the time of the American Revolution. (1776) When the painting was commissioned, two of its figures were gone.
Lady Pepperrell died “tragically” (I don’t know the story because it isn’t listed), and her husband commissioned the portrait of the family to appear as “a comforting vision of what might have been had not war and death come knocking.” The baby boy between the mom and dad had also died.
Three other commissioned paintings showed men in the light they wanted to be seen: a haughty air of nobility, an attitude of courageousness, and a demeanor of sanctimonious piety.
How do we appear?
Your spouse sees you – all the time.
He or she sees you when you’re fighting a cold and your nose is a pretty shade of crimson. You’re seen when you’re dressed to celebrate New Year’s Eve at the fanciest hotel in your town. Your spouse has seen you clothed and unclothed, at the peak and when your appearance is scraping the bottom of the barrel.
There’s no “elaborate fiction” in a marriage relationship.
Chances are, most of us will not be commissioning a wall-sized portrait done in oils in 2013. Any photos that are taken will document our life.
But what really becomes our legacy?
Our relationships become our gift to the next generation.
Photos or paintings evoke an emotion. I’m sure that Sir Pepperell gazed at his commissioned painting with longing, because no matter what he did, he couldn’t make the composition a reality. I don’t know if he and his wife had a loving relationship. Perhaps.
Forget about appearing as the ideal image – work on living.
Image doesn’t matter. Action matters.
If you and your spouse have a solid, loving and work-able relationship (notice I didn’t say “perfect”), your legacy to your children and grandchildren’s grandchildren will outlast any photo or painting. It’s called blessing.
No need to pretend or project “an ideal image… to bequeath to posterity” – you’ll have lived it.
What are you doing – today – to make your relationship with your spouse… more?
Here are a few ideas, in no specific order:
Pray with your spouse – an active prayer life combats fear
Smile. Smile at your spouse.
Be kind. Expect nothing – just be kind.
Listen. If you’re far away from your spouse in distance, a listening ear is like a virtual hug.
Encourage. Put courage into your spouse – it has to start somewhere, why not with you?
This list is pretty simple – but the simple ideas are often the keys that open locked doors…
Leave a comment – add to the list!
What else could you do to add to a good relationship with your spouse?
Do you and your spouse share a vision – a conviction – on how you’d like to affect/effect the world around you?
Maybe it’s your own world consisting of you and your spouse you’d like to improve.
Perhaps it’s your own family circle – kids, parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins – that you’re convinced needs leadership and direction.
Possibly changing your community is your focus.
Or it might be that you have a world-changing, spiritually huge conviction…
Are you looking at a change in 2013?
Robert and I are fascinated by other couples who make an impact. On his blog, Robert writes about values. There are over 400 values that he’s defined. He wrote the post below about the value of conviction.
What are you convicted to change?
_______________________________
A boy grows up telling everyone that someday he will become a doctor. And then he does.
A girl grows up believing she will someday become a famous singer. And now she is.
A young married couplewillingly chooses a different way to start their marriage by moving to a foreign country to rescue sex-trafficked children. After two years they’re still at it.
How does an individual or couple ‘know’ what they will do – or become – in the future? What do tomorrow’s successful leaders do today to create an environment for success?
There is power in the value of conviction.
The Value of Conviction
As a differentiating value, Conviction means an unshakable belief in something without need for proof or evidence.
There is a solid connection between conviction and faith. It is defined succinctly in the Bible: “Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen” (Hebrews 11:1).
When one has such a faith, an unshakable belief in something that they need no evidence or proof to justify their belief, then they truly possess the value of conviction. And with such conviction comes power – the power to change oneself, and change the world.
The Power of Conviction
Looking back in history upon the conviction of those who made a significant impact on the world, there is a strong link to religious beliefs. And rightfully so. That is the source of faith.
Consider these remarkable leadership couples:
Dr. David and Mary Livingston. As a genuine missionary team, the Livingston’s opened the door to missionary work in Africa. Even after loosing Mary (to malaria), Dr. Livingston remained focused on bringing ‘Christianity, Commerce, and Civilization’ to the tribes in the interior of Africa. Traveling an estimated 30,000 miles through the African bush (in deplorable conditions), he never wavered in his conviction.
Charles and Susannah Spurgeon. As one of the greatest couples of their time, the Spurgeon’s were filled with true conviction. Starting at the age of 16, Charles became the most popular preacher of his day, eventually reaching an estimated 10 Million people. Thanks to Susannah’s untiring efforts after her husband died, the conviction of Charles to spread the Gospel of Christ is still felt to this day.
Of course, the power of conviction can be leveraged by anyone who combines passion with a purpose. That’s the essence of leadership.
To fulfill a big idea, a leader must possess an unshakable faith in their vision. Best-selling author Andy Stanley skillfully defines the term Visioneering, in his book of the same name, as: “a clear mental picture of what could be, fueled by the conviction that it should be.”
When a leadership couple engages in visioneering, be prepared to see the world change. There’s power in their conviction.
Who do you know that has embraced the value of conviction? What drives them forward?
How can the value of conviction help you change the world?
Has your spouse talked about what they’d like to change? How can you support them in that endeavor? Supporting with action is one of the 5 ways to encourage…
Please leave a comment – both Robert and I are interested in hearing from you!
I recently re-watched a hilarious video of Mark Gungor comparing men and women’s brains. He does a terrific job of explaining why men and women think so differently.
Gungor suggests that men’s brains are made up of little boxes, with a box for everything – his car, job, money, wife, kids, etc. But the rule is the boxes don’t touch each other. The man discusses only what’s in a particular box and then files it away before discussing another topic.
Women’s brains, on the other hand, are very different from men’s brains. Gungor suggests they are like a big ball of wire, with everything connected to everything. And it’s all driven with energy, simply referred to as ‘emotion’.
Regardless if you subscribe to his theory, or not, Gungor is definitely entertaining. What his presentation confirms is that, in a marriage, we should expect to see the man and woman think and behave differently from each other.
While a husband and wife are encouraged to come together and become one, there always exist a state of variability. One of the secrets to creating a successful marriage, then, is to understand this value.
The Value of Variability
As a differentiating value, Variability means uneven and lacking uniformity; marked by diversity or difference.
It should be easy to apply this value to marriage. To start with, a man and woman are different from each other physically. This should be obvious. Then, according to Gungor, this difference also applies to how a man and woman think. In fact, some might argue there are more things different than the same.
The one thing that is common is love for each other. And love conquers all.
Through the power of love, and an understanding of the value of variability, is it possible to turn the differences into a strength for a marriage? Absolutely.
Two Negatives = a Positive
The math rule of two negatives equals a positive applies well here. Instead of focusing on what’s different, it’s important to focus on how the differences can compliment each other.
Consider the following:
One partner likes to start projects, while the other derives satisfaction from finishing it.
One partner tends to leave clothes and other items all over the place, while the other enjoys cleaning up and putting things away.
One partner is great at ensuring gifts are bought for birthdays and Christmas time, while the other is reliable at managing money and paying the bills on time.
One partner is great a meeting new people, while the other excels at maintaining relationships once made.
One partner is a veracious reader and can find solutions to problems the other needs while tackling a project.
One partner likes to plan their trips, while the other easily spots fun things to do spontaneously along the journey.
One partner enjoys cooking, while the other is happy to clean up after a meal.
One partner has the ability to play the piano (or other instrument), while the other enjoys just sitting and listening.
On that last note, a good analogy of the power of variability is in music. Harmony is created when a complimentary note is applied to the first note. While it’s easy to see how this works in a major key like ‘C’, this simple concept even works with minor keys, which otherwise might be considered ‘off.’ In other words, whether a couple considers themselves normal or odd, they can always turn two negatives into a positive and work in harmony.
Do you know of a husband and wife that have turned their diversity into a positive?
How can the value of variability help you make a significant difference?
This post was originally written for Leadership Couples by my husband, Robert. He writes and speaks about values – in marriage, in leadership and in marketing.
Take a look at his website: FergusonValues.com He’s created a list of over 4oo values, divided into 15 categories, and each blog post covers one value.
Mission. Vision. Action – when and where will you begin a plan for your marriage?
Going Away to Plan
The year Robert and I were married 25 years, we went away for a week on a retreat. What would the next 25 years hold? What would our mission be? We didn’t have a specific book or a plan to follow, just a grouping of ideas and instruction from various places. We looked back at our 25 years of marriage – and then looked forward to and created a plan. It would have been very useful if we’d had this book (or the others listed below) – at that time.
The Mountaintop of Marriage: A vision retreat guidebook for couples. by Jimmy & Karen Evans
Where there is no vision, the people perish…
~ Proverbs 29:18 KJV
Preparation for the Mission and Vision
This book is really a workbook – and the first part is about how to prepare for your retreat. We all can spend hours pouring over guidebooks, cruise-ship books, travel magazines and websites when we plan a vacation – this preparation for a vision-creating retreat is just as enjoyable and important.
They encourage you to plan for: prayer, Bible study, journaling, fun, romance, communication, and worship.
The Retreat
During the retreat, the workbook gives pages with questions to prompt thought and discussion, then it has spaces to write down:
a broader vision for your marriage
goals, plans & vision
a 12-month vision calendar
developing an overall marriage & family vision statement
an encouragement to follow through, track progress & victories
The authors suggest doing this planning every year to stay on track.
When two people are together in any endeavor in life, it is only possible for them to remain unified and productive if they both share the same vision and purpose. Therefore, it is of paramount importance that every couple hoping to succeed take the time and energy to get God’s vision for their marriage.”
~ Jimmy Evans
This is not a textbook – there’s not a lot of written content. It’s short – only 37 pages. It’s meant for the couple to write their thoughts down and plan ahead. I really appreciate the questions that are asked to create conversation – there is great value in good questions!
My final thoughts on this book:
I can imagine Robert and me working through this book. We’re always looking for new tools to hone our understanding of the direction God wants us to take. However, it probably wouldn’t be the only tool we’d use.
It’s never too early – or too late – to pray for, ask for and search for a vision for your future as a couple.
Do you have a mission or vision plan for you & your spouse?
Here are links to a few other resources:
A Vision Retreat Guidebook for Couples – Jimmy & Karen Evans workbook for a retreat – It’s actually called “The Mountaintop of Marriage”, but I like the subtitle better! This is now available as an ebook at an OK price, but the printed version doesn’t appear to be available except as a used book. (and the printed version is a bit pricey in my opinion.)
Discover your Differentiating Values as a Couple – A workbook/resource to understand how your shared values as husband and wife can shape your decisions and ultimately your life. We chose our 3 differentiating values as a couple: optimism, loyalty & discovery. We find we use our top values as a decision-making tool in many areas and it’s been a great help.
Creating a Mission Statement –Online – Franklin Covey’s online resource for creating a mission statement for yourself, your family (no actual ‘couple’ reference, but it would be appropriate to do with husband and wife), or team. I spent a morning going through the online version for a personal mission statement. At the very least, give this a try and see what happens. It’s free & simple to try.
You might believe that you and your spouse are the only ones who can benefit from a time away and a plan for the future. However, your family, friends, and community also will grow because of your proactive way of living! Be a good example!
Being the deliberate person that he is, Robert has already created five videos, and scheduled them to post on his blog for this time while we’re away. I’m not that organized.
I like the advice given in one quote he’s chosen to highlight, so I’m going to cheat, and use some of Robert’s work:
Leonardo daVinci says “Every now and again go away and have a little relaxation.” That’s what we did today. A lovely drive, a short swim, a decadent dinner at a Brazilian Churrascaria.
And then some sand and waves, and a comfy bed with my favorite person!
I’ve decided that taking Leonardo daVinci’s advice has merit!
What do you do with your spouse to gain a little perspective?
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