When Rob and I talk about how we live in 282 square feet (our RV) and work together all day, every day (or almost), many people respond with, “Oh, I could never do that!” For some reason, some people can’t imagine working with their spouse. What’s the barrier?
Is it an ego problem?
On February 3, 2016, I participated in a twitter chat about collaboration. The topic of ego showed up numerous times. This was a business twitter chat (BufferChat), however, like most things, it can be a indicator for relationships and marriage also.
A number of the tweets mentioned not letting ego be a part of the collaboration… these are two:
A7) TRUE Collaboration happens when you can put aside your ego for the purpose of the project. #BufferChat
In the Lead Like Jesus Encounter, a program Robert facilitates, there is a section revolving around EGO. Good ego – and bad ego.
Edging God Out – (bad ego)
Exhalting God Only (good ego)
Whenever I hear or read the word “ego”, those two ways of looking at the topic are top-of-mind.
I wonder somtimes, if we, as husband and wife, could only focus on always giving God the honor and glory, we’d work much better together. Our collaborations would be sweeter and have greater impact.
Maybe you are reading this post and think you don’t work with your spouse. You don’t own a business, earn money together, or volunteer together in a non-profit or even at church…
However…
You DO work together – as a couple – every day!
you work together to make a strong marriage
you work together to build a life
you work together to make the finances cover all the bills
you work together parenting your children
you work together making a few rooms into a home
you work together to be sure there is food to eat
you work together to plan holidays and events
you work together to nuture relationships with friends and family
you work together creating a future that has meaning and purpose
and collaborate, working on more and more!
I’m sure you can add to the list, can’t you?
What would happen if you could contain or restrain your own ego, and instead, in everything, exhalt God only?
How would that change your working together as husband and wife?
As a resource, we recommend the new book, Lead Like Jesus Revisited. On page 63 there’s a chart which details the signs and consequences of Edging God Out (the bad ego). And on page 82 there’s a chart with the details of what it looks like if you Exhalt God Only (the good ego).
Reach out to us – Robert . Lori @ LeadershipCouples.com – we’d love to to come and do a Lead LIke Jesus Encounter with you and your friends/family/church group, with Robert as your facilitator. As you might realize, our sweet spot is working with husbands and wives… imagine what a weekend retreat would feel like if you were together with your couple friends – learning, growing, and enriching your marriages!
This weekend Robert and I visited Charleston, South Carolina. And I kept bumping into married people. (Yes, I know – lots of people are married, but it’s not always evident!)
As we checked into our hotel on Saturday night, a giggling couple came through the door behind me. How did I know they were married?
Their clothing kinda gave it away – and their smiles. So cute.
I mentioned that I wrote about marriage, and asked if I could take their picture. They agreed.
And then another lady, also in the lobby, laughed and said she was married 30 years and was sad her husband was up in the room because she wanted me to take a picture of them also. Two sides of a coin – one couple just beginning, and another well on their married way.
On Sunday at lunch I was privileged to sit with four mature ladies – I believe if I added up the total years these ladies had been married it would be over 200 years. Imagine – 200 years worth of marriage experience… You better believe I wanted to dig into that gold mine!
Each of these ladies were German war brides – brought to the USA by a handsome young American soldier more than 50 years ago. Two were widows, and the others had their husbands with them at the opposite end of the table with Robert. (We were the newly married’s in comparison – you know, it’s all about perspective…)
I asked them how they met their husbands.
Oh, the laughter.
You’d think I was with that newly married couple I met the night before!
one wife said it was love at first sight – for both of them
one wife talked about how she almost rejected her future husband when she found out he was a plasterer like her father and uncles – she knew all the dust and dirt in the house from that profession!
all four left their home country with no clue what would await them in the USA
two of them married despite the fact their fathers disapproved of the match
all four needed to learn English and how to navigate marriage and a new country, with no family to fall back on
all four talked about how they spoiled their husbands over the years – and from the conversation, I could tell they were indulged right back.
Yes, they all had marriage challenges and not all years were good. Yet, as they spoke of their beginning with their spouses, I could see the happy young girls shining through the faces of mature women.
One story illustrated the value of patience.
This wife talked about wanting her husband to join her in attending church their whole married life. From a young wife, she had the desire to share her love of Christ with her husband. They had children and she took the kids to church. Her husband wasn’t interested in pursuing a faith life. She prayed. She talked. She pleaded, and begged. Nothing moved him – 45 years of marriage and she practiced her faith alone. Until three years ago.
Three years ago, completely unexpectedly, her husband decided to come to church with her. And then he attended again and again, until he expressed a desire to be baptized.
She had been faithful for 45 years, and finally her prayer was answered. These last three years they’ve been living a life of faith together. Beautiful, huh?
And more.
After lunch Robert and I did a little sight-seeing. We hopped onto the local bus and took a ride around Charleston. (The downtown buses are free – did you know?)
Other married couples kept coming on and off the bus – some older, some young. One wife had left her jacket at the restaurant, and the couple just joked a bit about how she leaves things behind. It was fun to brush past all these couples – a few moments of life shared and we all went our separate ways.
What message did all these couples convey?
They were all happy and proud to be married.
It was evident in their smiles, their “looks to each other”, their words and their actions.
How about you?
When you’re out in public with your spouse, can strangers see you’re happy to be married?
30 years ago a young couple borrowed their parents’ car for a trip to the big city. On that Monday in February 1983, it was sunny with snow on the ground, but not on the roads. After an hour and a bit of driving they made it to their destination – Historic Fort York.
The young man had a secret plan for the day, but his girlfriend of 3 years was only focused on spending a day with her best friend. They both had that Monday off work and had decided to take advantage of the opportunity to visit a few sights in the big city of Toronto. The trip was also a belated Valentines’ Day celebration because the fellow had been sick with the flu the week before.
Fort York was quite deserted with only a few visitors and a handful of staff . They were alone in every building – except for a friendly cat in the officers’ dining hall. They wandered around the different barracks, and finally, all alone inside the officers barracks, the young man slipped on one of the red, British soldier re-enactment costume jackets (just a costume – NOT an artifact) hanging on a rack. He pretended to salute her, and then had his girlfriend sit on some steps leading to a second story of the building.
He got down on one knee and asked the young woman if she would marry him. She smiled, and accepted his proposal.
It wasn’t the first time they’d talked about marriage, so this (seemingly) impromptu proposal was fun and romantic. They laughed together, he took her hand and helped her up from the stairs, they kissed and carried on viewing the fort.
Once they’d seen everything, they headed back to the car. She got in the front passenger seat. He first opened the trunk to get something out, and then got in the driver’s seat. He started the car, because it was cold outside, and turned to his girlfriend, holding out a box.
“Here.” he said, holding out a jewelry box.
“Oh, no!” she thought with panic, “He was serious – he really did propose!”
And 30 years ago today, a 20-year old fellow named Rob and an 18-year old girl named Lori became engaged at Fort York, Toronto, Ontario.
What’s your engagement story?
If you’re a wife – did you know your husband was going to propose? Were you surprised? Did you say “yes” right away? If you’re a husband – did you plan something special, was it a surprise? Who proposed – man or woman?
I wasn’t surprised at Rob’s proposal, because we were serious about each other, but I truly was surprised when Rob handed me that ring – it suddenly made our plan to marry “real” – and that was scary. (be careful what you say “yes” to – huh? 🙂 )
It happened that he had the ring on Valentines, but was sick with the flu. I remember visiting him on Valentines – we spent the evening together, and he said that he was so tempted to propose that day, because it was his plan. (Rob has always been goal and plan oriented!) Fortunately he decided against proposing while he was so ill – his explanation was that he didn’t want me to remember for the rest of our lives that he had proposed lying in bed, white-faced and shaking with fever. I appreciate his thinking – our story is much nicer this way!
What is your engagement story?
How many years has it been since you proposed or said “yes”?
Leave a comment to share!
If you’re interested, here’s a short video showing more of Historic Fort York – from the war of 1812 where the future Canadians (Colonial British with native Canadians) defended themselves from the American invaders! Historians are still arguing about those battles. Last year was the celebration of 200 years of peace between Canada & the USA.
The photos above are screen captures from this video – and a photo from Wiki-Media Commons. Take a look at Fort York’s Facebook Page for more photos and information! (there are 12 snowy photos from February 2013)
and looks out of the windows which hope has opened.
~ Charles Spurgeon
What do you know about Charles & Susannah Spurgeon?
(This post first appeared on Robert’s site – FergusonValues – in May 2012)
One of the greatest couples of their time
Rarely does one set out to become great. In most cases, those who seek greatness fall short of leaving a lasting legacy.
But for a few, greatness is awarded for a lifetime of dedication that made a significant difference in the lives of others.
As a differentiating value, Greatness means remarkable; of major significance or importance; larger than others of it’s kind.
There are selected men and women who are heralded for their remarkable achievements. But few married couples would be added to this list.
Charles and Susannah Spurgeon are one of those rare couples. They were truly one of the greatest couples of their time.
Charles Spurgeon
At age 22, Charles Spurgeon was the most popular preacher of the day.
Spurgeon was the Billy Graham of his time. Known in Britain as the ‘Prince of Preachers’ it is estimated that Spurgeon preached the Gospel of Christ to 10 Million people during his lifetime.
Yesterday Robert and I had the opportunity to hear a gentleman share his story. He began by speaking of his experiences playing football with his brothers, and showed us footage from a 1971 high school football game.
In the footage all three brothers were on the field.
He used his cursor to point out their positions. (As I’m not familiar with how football is played, the words just went in one ear and out the other.) What I saw on the screen was a group of players running and tackling each other.
One of the three brothers, 16 year old Phil Hughston, was injured in this game. Dave said Phil’s spinal chord was severed. After a brave fight over a number of weeks, Phil died.
Dave Hughston went on to describe how his brother – a young leader in sport and in academics – has had a great impact on people till today, regardless of his death at 16. The local bank created the “Phil Hughston Memorial Award” and it has enabled many young people in the Charlotte/Mecklenberg counties of North Carolina to attend college. But more than that – each student awarded has needed to excel in all areas of their life before they qualified to win.
The award is for students who Excel. (Dave says he’s read some of the backgrounds of those who applied, and he would never have been able to qualify.)
To commemorate this award, a sculpture was commissioned from Frederick C. Hasenzahl called “The Urge to Excel”. The *sculpture (which Dave borrowed from his mother’s china cabinet under ‘pain of death’) details a young man emerging with great energy from a rock. His face is pointed away from the rock, with one arm outstretched.
Dave Hughston, the presenter, then went on to speak on how leadership comes from the Urge to Excel. He listed six points to remember:
We are all leaders.
Excellence comes before Leadership
You have to pull yourself out of the rock (of mediocrity) by doing what you love.
Remember “Love is a Decision” – you make the choice of what you love.
Develop a goal. Create a vision. Write it down.
Do it – practice leadership/your goal – every day.
Listening to Dave Hughston speak gave me a sense of his urge to excel – to compete and win. From his introduction I know he is a leader in his company. His wife was in the group listening to Dave speak, and he referred to her a number of times. One story stood out. It was a story of how they grew to know each other.
One Chair at a Time
Imagine a 15 year old boy attending high school – homeroom. Where do you think 15 year old boys sit? At the back, right? Dave said he started at the back of the room… until he noticed a pretty girl sitting at the front.
He didn’t know her name. And he’d wanted to meet her.
So every day he arrived earlier and earlier to take a different seat. From the back of the room he moved up one row – one chair at a time. His goal? To meet the pretty girl.
Days passed and he continued to excel in his goal – despite the hardship. Apparently he wasn’t the only guy who wanted to sit with a pretty girl The difficulty? All the pretty girls sat at the front and he had competition for the chairs. According to Dave’s story, there were a few tussles with the other guys, but he excelled.
Eventually he won a seat at the front, after days of moving up one chair at a time. The pretty girl’s name? Marilyn.
He went on to win more than a chair at the front – he won her heart. They married and have been together for more than 30 years.
Why is this story important?
I imagine all couples have a story from their time of courtship. At some point there was a sense of urgency, a feeling of competition and a need to excel. The wedding day was a celebration of both husband and wife winning a friend for life.
Do you still feel the urgency to ‘win’ your spouse?
Dave Hughston’s 6 points (scroll up if you’ve forgotten) can be applied to marriage also. We, as husbands and wives, are leaders in our families and communities. To be excellent leaders we need to pull ourselves out of mediocrity. We need to continue to make the choice to love each other. We need to share goals, to have a vision for our marriage, and to practice, practice, practice. We need to excel.
Marriages can move forward ‘one chair’ at a time.
If you’re feeling far away from your spouse – maybe you even need to be re-introduced – then focus on moving forward ‘one chair’ at a time.
Start with a smile. A kind word. Make a friend. Acknowledge that you want to “win” your spouse… again.
Still.
Even the best marriages can reach for more!
*Here’s a video about the awards – in the first 1:40 seconds you’ll see the statue and photos of Phil Hughston.
Want to know more about that good Ego?
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