Robert stayed with a couple a few weekends ago, and discovered they’d been married more than 50 years. As is our custom when we meet couples married for more than 50 years, one of the first questions we ask is,
“If you could give one piece of advice to a newlywed couple, what would it be?”
and her answer was the above quote: “Love your spouse more than yourself.”
LOVE is the secret to a long lasting marriage.
Yup. You’re rolling your eyes.
Love. Sounds pretty far-fetched doesn’t it?
Because how can you continue to love your spouse… all those years? How can this touchy-feely stuff be the secret to a long lasting marriage? Your spouse isn’t always lovable, is he? Is she? (I’m guessing you’re not always lovable either, huh?)
I’ll let another couple – Charles and Mary, married 59 years in August – answer that question:
Charles and Mary are Robert’s parents.
When they visited us, Alex (our son) took them into his studio to answer a few questions about marriage. Here’s another short clip about their view of love in marriage:
Ask for Love to be Restored
Maybe it isn’t about the Hollywood-style smoochy kind of love.
Consider. Maybe this love – the one that is the secret to a long lasting marriage – is a love with its roots in a wonderful, amazing, ever-renewing Source. Yes. I’m talking about God. One God. Our loving Father. The creator of everything we hear, see, smell and touch, who allowed His ONLY Son to sacrifice His life – for us. For you. And your spouse.
Can we ask that loving God to restore our love – a selfless, Christ-like love – for each other? Or perhaps we need to ask that He helps us build that kind of love between us…
It’s a love that isn’t about human, self-driven emotion. It’s a love that is self-less – making less of yourself – and more of the other one… It’s a love that perseveres. Regardless.
This kind of love serves – without expecting anything in return.
This kind of love encourages – looking for and at the good.
This kind of love forgives – again, and again, and again…
This kind of love shares good stuff – without holding back.
This kind of love sacrifices – knowing what the other person needs.
This kind of love doesn’t change – whether the love is returned or not.
You’ve heard that quote before, haven’t you? Arnold and Rose know the secret to a long lasting marriage. And it hasn’t always been easy for them. Even today, it’s not easy. They still persevere in love.
Why the focus on LOVE?
Why am I writing this post – now?
While a post on the secret to a long lasting marriage might be good at any time, it’s especially important for Robert and me this week. On Friday we’ll be celebrating our 32nd wedding anniversary.
by Elena Creates used with permission
32 years is still a teenager marriage by the standards of those married more than 50 years. However, we still need to keep working on our relationship.
It’s not a “done” deal. We can’t coast.
Love needs to be nurtured in every marriage, regardless of how many years you’ve been together.
You don’t need to “feel” love, to behave in a loving manner. Sometimes the action comes before feeling. Remember what Charles said in that first video?
“Love is not really just an emotion – it’s an act of will.“
Choose 10 Loving & Selfless Things To Do For Your Spouse
Here are 25 options – choose 10. Or make up your own… the point is to do them. And expect nothing in return.
Give him/her a beautiful apple – and say, “You’re the apple of my eye.”
When you know it’s going to rain that day, put an umbrella by your spouse’s bag/purse.
Wake him/her up with kisses – all over.
Make a video/slide show of all your favorite photos together – spend the evening reminiscing.
Tell your spouse that you admire her/him – and why. If you can’t think of a reason… here’s a resource.
Do a load of laundry – fold it – put it away. If you normally do this, then find something that needs to be cleaned/drycleaned of his/hers that’s been overlooked. Do that. Ask first, though, just in case. 🙂
Buy some sparklers – go outside after dark and play together. Just the two of you.
Arrange for a night out for your spouse and one of his/her friends. (guy time – girl time)
Put clean sheets on the bed. Wash, dry and fold the others. Put a chocolate on the pillow.
Send her/him a fun post-card in the mail. (Try the app “postagram” – it uses one of your smart-phone pictures & they’ll mail it.)
Make him/her an ice-cream sundae – top it with a cherry and whipped cream.
Buy her/him a “Best Wife Ever” or “Best Husband Ever” T-shirt. (or make one – try Pinterest)
Reminisce about your first kiss together. Then make new memories. 😉
Meet him/her at the car when they arrive home, and help carry in stuff. (Even if it’s only one thing.)
Thank your spouse for being the person God made them to be. (It’s not about what they do.)
Ask your spouse about his/her day – then listen, without talking. (It’s OK to ask questions.)
Massage his/her feet.
Learn how to say “I love you” in sign language – and other languages! Text them – send a video!
If your spouse is fully engaged on the computer/in front of the TV – bring her/him something they like to drink – then walk away without interrupting.
Pray for your spouse. Diligently. With purpose. Use Stormie Omartians’ books for wife/husband.
Ask what you can do for your spouse – then follow through.
Make your spouse laugh. Tell jokes. Or watch a funny video together and laugh. Laughter is good medicine.
Buy her/him a cupcake – add a sparkler – because your spouse needs to be celebrated.
Plant a tree together. Let it be a long-lasting tribute to the two of you. (If you don’t own a piece of ground, then talk with your church. Ask to plant a tree on that property.) The point? Do it together as a symbol of your love.
It’s so easy to get “caught up” – to procrastinate. Remember: every marriage needs nurturing. Even if it’s going well this year, or it’s a disaster-sized year, your spouse needs to feel like you love him/her.
Because you still want to be married next year – and in 10 years – and when you’re married 50 years! So do we.
In North America we celebrate “Mother’s Day” on the second Sunday in May.
For many deeply distressing reasons, Mother’s Day is not always a day all women can embrace. Perhaps infertility is a constant wound. Perhaps they’re grieving over a baby who never took a breath, or a child who died or was killed… perhaps they’re in anguish over a child who won’t or can’t call them “mom”, yet their hearts love with a motherly love. Perhaps it’s an adoption that didn’t happen, yet they continue to love that child, wherever he or she may be…
For other women it’s another celebratory day in the year: birthdays, Christmas, Thanksgiving… it doesn’t matter what the day celebrates – it’s what that day represents to your wife. And it’s hard.
As a man, you might understand how your wife feels about that dreaded day. Or you might not. At least not fully.
But you still care about your wife. You still want to encourage her – you want to provide that bit of extra care which transcends her hurting/anger/guilt/sorrow/distress/anguish…
Where do you start with encouraging words for your wife?
Maybe you startwithout words?
extra long hugs – many hugs – hugs that are gentle and silent
an arm around her shoulder as you sit together, or walk into church
holding her hand – clasping it securely, with a loving grip
encouraging her to put her feet up on your lap as you sit together – and give her a foot massage
a passing caress – she might be concentrating, but a touch to let her know you care won’t be amiss
a gentle kiss on her cheek – or her forehead
a loving, warm and patient smile as she struggles.
Maybe you start by praying for her – even as the day she finds so difficult approaches.
ask God to bless her with peace – His peace.
pray that she will feel God’s perfect love, first and foremost.
ask her (and your) Heavenly Father to help her see your love.
ask that you have a patient and wise heart, as she battles her own emotions
pray that God will bring into her life those she needs to surround her to lessen her distress
ask for help in finding the right words, at the right time, with the right tone
Are there encouraging words for your wife on a difficult day?
I’m not sure I can give you those encouraging words – here on this blog. I don’t even know if any words will work to encourage your wife… however you can try these:
“I love you.”
Remind her of your love. Your unconditional, steadfast, and loyal love. Your over-the-top, without prerequisite love. Be selfless in your love. Serve your wife in love. Love heals.
“I’m here with you. I’m here for you.”
Remind her that she is not alone in her distress. Her grief and anguish is seen and heard. She’s not battling her feelings in a void – anger, hurt, resentment, misery, ache and depression – you are with her. Demonstrate your strength by being gentle.
Have Courage. Encourage.
Encouragement is made up of five ingredients; hope, faith, love, prayer and action.
give your wife hope for the future – consider what you two can look forward to… Our God is a God of HOPE!
use your faith in God to encourage your wife – fortify her with your faith.
love her with a Christ-like, selfless love.
pray for her – pray over her – pray silently, pray together. Ask God to encourage your wife.
take over-the-top, without restraint action to encourage in the ways your wife responds to – use her Love Language.
This day won’t stop being difficult.
This day won’t stop being difficult, even after it passes. Chances are, it’ll still be hard again next year. I’m imagining you’d love to change circumstances, but it’s not within your power. I’m sorry.
But Robert and I are here to encourage you – the husband!
Don’t give up! Continue. Be steadfast. Be loyal.
Be together – united – with your wife, even if this day is hard.
You can. It’s possible. What you will do matters… all you need is to do it!
Trust. Where does trust play a part in your life’s story? In your marriage?
Trust means having faith and confidence in a person or plan; allow without fear.
Here’s a story of an amazing couple who embraced this powerful value of Trust:
A young man. A young woman. Engaged.
We don’t know much about the birth of either the man or the woman. We don’t know exactly when either one died. We do know he had royal blood and was a direct descendant of a great king. However, he was poor and had little to his name. She was a lovely young lady, younger than him.
Clearly, something special existed between them. So they got engaged, looking forward to a normal, happy life together.
That was not to be.
She got pregnant before they got married. And he wasn’t the father.
He wanted to break off the engagement, but was encouraged to move forward anyway, and marry her. His job was to care for her and love her. So he did.
They were forced to leave town. She had the child – a boy – in the most unpleasant of circumstances. No friends. No family. Just each other.
So they moved on with their lives – together.
The family grew, with more children. There were four more boys and at least two girls. The parents loved their children and did their best to provide for them.
The father taught his trade to his oldest son. But this boy had a burning desire to do other things. This same child, that caused them so much strife in the early years, would go on to do great things. Amazing things.
But then this son was killed.
He was wrongly accused and put to death.
Because of this child, everything about their life was difficult.
And yet, through all circumstances, they trusted.
In God.
The father was Joseph. The mother was Mary.
They named their oldest son Jesus.
Serving in Trust
Everything about the lives of Joseph and Mary was to serve a higher purpose. As their life unfolded, I imagine they realized this.
But knowing and trusting in God didn’t make circumstances easier. And, I imagine there were many times when they couldn’t understand the ‘why’ behind everything until later. Much later.
They were human, like you and me. They made mistakes.
They did some good things. Most importantly they fulfilled their purpose.
So what about you?
Do you know your God-given purpose? Are you waiting for an angel to come and tell you? Good news.
Thanks to Joseph and Mary, who fulfilled their purpose, our purpose has been made clear. Follow in the footsteps of Christ. Live a life based on what Jesus taught. And live with a trust in God. Like Joseph and Mary.
Trust in God. Lean on Him.
The impact of incorporating a trust in God will be greater than you ever imagined. And so will be your reward.
For those interested, here are some scripture references to highlight the amazing trust of Joseph and Mary: Mathew 1:18-25; 2:13-23; Mark 6:3; Luke 1:28,31-32; 2:1-7; 2:40-51; Acts 1:14
Values are like a signpost when you need to make a decision in your life.
Values unite a husband and wife.
Values are a foundation to build your legacy on.
But which values?
Aren’t all values good?
You need to know your own, differentiating values, as a couple!
Gentleness may not be what you think it is… or it might even be more than you believe. It’s never weak. And it can be found in every great marriage.
Possible in every marriage.
There are lots of headstrong, forceful individuals who are married. Sometimes both husband and wife are considered strong, driven, decisive, and goal oriented. Why would they want to incorporate the ability to be gentle into their marriage? Isn’t gentleness considered a ‘weak’ value?
And what about those individuals who have great strife in their marriage? Endless financial battles, massive addiction struggles, unwieldy family carnage, and so much more, which sums up the whirlwind of their years together. Those individuals can’t practice a passive value like this, can they? Where could being gentle fit into their marriage?
Why does every marriage need this value?
Gentleness, as a value, means even-tempered; considerate; honorable, strength under control.
3 Aspects
These three aspects can be summed up by one image: an adult hand holding an infant’s hand:
Strength Under Control
Strength under control can have the greatest impact in a marriage. Learning to control your actions, words, and even thoughts is the beginning of gentleness. Just think of the power of an adult hand, and the delicacy of an infant…
Proximity
Distance is the enemy of being gentle. Gentleness is never distant – it always is practiced in proximity to the one you love. Practicing this value in your marriage means staying close to each other in mind, body, and spirit. Imagine the feeling of that little baby’s hand in your yours…
Consideration
Gentleness is considerate. It takes into account your spouse’s moods, and feelings, and acts accordingly. And responds quickly – with grace. There’s a special focus when you hold an infant, isn’t there? You’ll rarely take your eyes off them, will you?
Perhaps this scripture holds the key to gentleness… with the peace of God, which we can’t truly fathom – our hearts and minds are guarded. We can put all our anxieties and requests into prayer – always remembering to give thanks to Him who is the author of our lives.
10 Ways to Practice Gentleness
Here are 10 ways it can be practiced in marriage.
Gentleness deliberately waits to address difficult issues till the time is right.
By being gentle you honor your spouse’s free will, without joining in to placate her/him.
Gentleness shines a light on a tender issue while exercising respect.
Gentleness remains even-tempered during a crisis, yet stays alert for possible dangers.
Gentleness offers a hug when a spouse messes up and remains silent in commiseration.
Gentleness uses light humor to diffuse tense moments.
Gentleness protects vulnerable spots but addresses the hurt that needs healing.
Gentleness never needs to yell, and never cowers or whimpers.
Gentleness takes its time to consider all the facts but is quick to ask for forgiveness.
Gentleness remains ever present, even if it’s never acknowledged.
Increase your strength by being gentle.
To create a healthy, strong marriage, practicing the value of gentleness might just be the perfect fitness program!
#HonorAllMoms on Mother’s Day
-01.png)
