How to value your spouse with a 10 Point Marriage Tune-Up? Is this necessary? Doesn’t marriage just “happen”?
Oh, yeah. Marriage can just happen.
There are those husbands and wives who let marriage “happen”… and then years into their relationship they realize they’ve grown apart. They don’t have anything in common. Or these couples look at the person they live their life with and say, “Is this all there is?”.
If people gave the amount of attention to their vehicles the way they do to their marriage, that vehicle would stop working. It would run out of gas, and oil. The brakes would fail. The headlights would go dark. You’d never drive around in a car with no headlights, with dirty spark plugs, with broken springs, or cracked windshields, would you? Why would a marriage relationship need less attention than a vehicle?
Your marriage needs more attention to its working parts than your vehicle does. It’s not easy. And if you’re in a time of sputtering, and your marriage tires need a top-up of air, then we want to encourage you to try some small stuff. Simple stuff. Give it a try…
Give it a 10 point marriage tune-up.
Invest in your marriage relationship – tune it up!
A few years ago we created a series of articles on this concept – 10 posts about 10 ways to show your spouse you value her/him. This year we’ve updated these posts to make the series more rich and robust! The links to each post are below – click on each image to go deeper.
Good Questions. When we mentor couples, we encourage them to ask each other at least one good question every day. Why? Because having deep and satisfying conversations are vital for a growing relationship.
Great conversations begin with good questions.
Maybe you’re feeling a bit lacking in the “good question” ability department. If you are, that’s OK. Even we’ve had those dry spells where we can’t think of a “safe” topic. 😉
Here are some resources to build a repertoire of good questions:
The Byerly’s have 365 questions you can download and print. That’s a whole year! Click HERE.
Use Proverbs so spark some conversations. Click HERE
These are some of the best fun questions and thoughtful questions we’ve compiled from other bloggers. Click HERE
What if you can’t ask good questions?
We know you’re busy. If it’s not possible to print out these good questions, then here’s another option: Dayspring’s Conversation Starter Jar – this is the first time we’ve seen something like this already created for you!
We’d rarely suggest buying something if you can make it yourself, but there are instances when you might not have the time or the inclination. If that’s the case – then this product is perfect for you. It’s a pretty jar. There’s a lovely inscription from 1Thessalonians and 60 questions already printed and cut up.
This Jar filled with Conversation Starters is part of a sale until August 22, 2017 – take $20 off any $40 purchase and get FREE SHIPPING in DaySprings Secret Sale. Go to the SECRET SALE page to see what else is offered… (You have celebrations coming up, right? We won’t reference Christmas – don’t worry.) We’re affiliates for Dayspring which means if you purchase we’ll receive a small commission at no cost to you and we really appreciate and thank you for your support.
Trust in marriage – consistent truth – where does it come from? Over the years we’ve been watching husbands and wives interact. Deep conversations are important to growing a meaningful life filled with trust. And deep conversations are one thing we suggest and write about on a regular basis. However, the everyday, seemingly mundane interactions each week also build this truth and trust. These regular check-ins and planning sessions can have a purpose!
Make an impact for your future by planning your week.
Planning your days – together – makes it easier to be truthful and consistent.
Sharing life – that’s a part of what marriage is all about. And that’s where trust in marriage grows.
Most days and weeks in a household look similar. Predictable. Normal. They may or may not be a healthy normal, but it’s possible to anticipate how a week will go. Even if we don’t hang a family calendar on the wall anymore, many husbands and wives will share and/or sync their digital calendars. And, in case we need to state it, we recommend having full access to your spouse’s calendar whether it’s digital or paper. 😉
Ask each other: “Where will you be? What will you be doing?”
We must ask where we are and whither we are tending. Abraham Lincoln – 1809-1865 Sixteenth President of the USA
Where are you? What are you doing? That’s one kind of constant. It’s the daily reality of living together in one environment.
It’s not intrusive to know what your other half is doing and where he/she is going! It builds trust because what we’re involved in matters and has an impact on our spouse. As husband and wife, we are one flesh!
Prepare and Enrich – Building Trust in Marriage
Rob and I are facilitators for the Prepare/Enrich program.It’s been used for premarital preparation, but there’s so much in this program to equip couples married decades. One of the exercises has the couple fill out an assessment of what they spend time doing in a regular week. It can be very enlightening!
There are only 168 hours in a week… do you know where they go? Maybe planning your days and weeks starts with a little introspection?
If you see value in mentoring, Rob and I are available – reach out! We have the Prepare/Enrich program, Values in Mariage, a Biblical DISC program and more we can leverage to enrich your marriage. We can talk via Zoom, Skype or phone to explore some mentoring/coaching options. Click HERE.
Build trust in marriage every day.
Trust builds when there’s a predictable order to the day.
If couples are proactive in planning their weeks, a greater control over consistency emerges. And the trust in marriage grows. Of course, we can’t plan everything. However, if there’s a framework, husbands and wives can trust they know where their spouse is and when to expect time together.
Rob and I are still working on planning our weeks – however, there’s a normal flow to a week we can count on. (Now, being productive in that week is a whole ‘nother thing… 😉 Planning will help with that, too!)
Have you created an “ideal week” plan?
Can you anticipate what your week – or your spouse’s week – will look like?
learning and growing – reading, taking classes, talking with people who have a specific focus
and everything else you do in your week…
This spring I worked through a program to order my evenings so my days would have a better impact. It brought to light where my behaviors needed to shift because they weren’t serving me well – it’s a valuable course.
(This is an affiliate link, meaning if you purchase we receive a small amount at no cost to you – thank you for supporting Robert and me. We appreciate it very much.)
When you plan, do you have resources you use? Share them in the comments, please – we’d love to know!
Let the truth of your days build the trust in your marriage.
To be kind… Are you kind to your spouse? What about those around you? In this mid-marriage video, we talk about how important kindness is, and how each of us may view it differently.
Kindness is not about you!
Being kind is not about you and your needs. Sorry. Being kind is not about your agenda and how you’ve scheduled it within the time you’ve allotted. To be kind may have some pain involved. Being kind can be intrusive, and downright inconvenient.
Sometimes, being kind will be uncomfortable. Sorry.
smiling at your spouse – even if you don’t feel like it
offering to serve your spouse – to meet a need – even if you haven’t been served
giving your best to your spouse – before anyone else receives your best
refraining from an action because it might cause pain or concern, even if you really “want” it
remaining neutral (and silent) when your spouse needs a sounding board, even if you have an opinion
Be kind – as a spouse, kindness may not be about you – but it will make a positive mark on you both and the future.
(and if you think you’re too assertive or strong-willed to be kind, then see a suggested post listed below!)
but a steady wish for the loved person’s ultimate good
as far as it can be obtained.”
~ C.S. Lewis
Be kind. Demonstrate love in action.
If we were to describe how to be kind we’d use these words:
Which behaviors would you add to this list of words?
How do you demonstrate kindness in your marriage – in your family – and in the world around you?
Want to add some kindness into your lives as husband and wife?
Discuss kindness with your spouse. Explore posts from other marriage bloggers.
Discover what you both would define as kindness and then pass it on!
Some thoughts on generosity from The Generous Wife and how she came to value kindness, encouragement, and overall generosity. Click HERE
Having a strong will isn’t a curse – use it to be kind to each other. Chris has an excellent view from her experience with her Big Guy. Explore how to be a strong-willed blessing for your spouse – read Chris’ ideas HERE.
Want to give your spouse a gift? Then consider these gifts from Gaye’s post – yes, from Christmas time, but the ideas are relevant all year long. Being kind takes many forms –discuss with your spouse these kind gifts – will he/she agree that these actions are kind?
How do you be kind to each other, even as you seek to connect while your spouse is busy? Lori Byerly (The Generous Wife) has some solid suggestions on how to handle interrupting your spouse… kindly! Read the ideas here and discuss!
Do you have a post on KINDNESS on your site? Leave a short description and a link in the comments… let’s share!
Making Choices – sometimes we go with the obvious. But is the obvious always the best route?
Making Choices – Plan A – Plan B and more!
In this video, we talk about the idea that the choices we make don’t have to be obvious. That’s in the area of regular, mundane choices – things that happen every day, week or even year. Taking the obvious route might be the easiest, but sometimes the easiest choice isn’t the best. If it’s a routine, change it up a bit – see what happens!
And when there’s a serious issue – do we go with the obvious, or do we have more than one plan to move past the issue?
In our family circle we have a serious situation – it’s with our son and daughter-in-love’s dog, Pixel. Alex and Alisane needed to make some decisions. The obvious wasn’t going to happen…
Making choices for Pixel and her family…
Pixel is four years old. She’s a mixed breed – boxer, pitt and hound. Alex and Alisane adopted her as a puppy. She visited us regularly before we left on our travels. Here are a few pictures of puppy-Pixel:
And then Alex and Alisane added a new member to the family – and Pixel had to adjust.
Pixel has done so well! She’s very patient with the grandboy.
And a full part of the family.
Making choices for Pixel – what to do?
One day Pixel came in from outside – limping. And her limp didn’t get any better. So Alex and Alisane took Pixel to the vet.
… it turns out that because of a genetic malformation in the bones of her legs, she ended up rupturing both of her ACL’s and needs her first knee surgery in June and her second knee surgery in September.
Surgery for a dog’s ruptured ACL is not cheap. Can you imagine what it costs for two knees to be repaired?
Thousands of dollars!
What choices did Alex and Alisane have?
end Pixel’s life – this might be some people’s response – it wasn’t for Alex and Alisane
take out a loan (that’s tough for a young couple)
reach out for help from friends and family – they’ve done 2 garage sales with donated items
create a go-fund-me page
use Alex’s business for raising money. Pixel is an official member of the Team at Your Local Studio. Her title is “Director of Happiness”