When Rob and I talk about how we live in 282 square feet (our RV) and work together all day, every day (or almost), many people respond with, “Oh, I could never do that!” For some reason, some people can’t imagine working with their spouse. What’s the barrier?
Is it an ego problem?
On February 3, 2016, I participated in a twitter chat about collaboration. The topic of ego showed up numerous times. This was a business twitter chat (BufferChat), however, like most things, it can be a indicator for relationships and marriage also.
A number of the tweets mentioned not letting ego be a part of the collaboration… these are two:
A7) TRUE Collaboration happens when you can put aside your ego for the purpose of the project. #BufferChat
In the Lead Like Jesus Encounter, a program Robert facilitates, there is a section revolving around EGO. Good ego – and bad ego.
Edging God Out – (bad ego)
Exhalting God Only (good ego)
Whenever I hear or read the word “ego”, those two ways of looking at the topic are top-of-mind.
I wonder somtimes, if we, as husband and wife, could only focus on always giving God the honor and glory, we’d work much better together. Our collaborations would be sweeter and have greater impact.
Maybe you are reading this post and think you don’t work with your spouse. You don’t own a business, earn money together, or volunteer together in a non-profit or even at church…
However…
You DO work together – as a couple – every day!
you work together to make a strong marriage
you work together to build a life
you work together to make the finances cover all the bills
you work together parenting your children
you work together making a few rooms into a home
you work together to be sure there is food to eat
you work together to plan holidays and events
you work together to nuture relationships with friends and family
you work together creating a future that has meaning and purpose
and collaborate, working on more and more!
I’m sure you can add to the list, can’t you?
What would happen if you could contain or restrain your own ego, and instead, in everything, exhalt God only?
How would that change your working together as husband and wife?
As a resource, we recommend the new book, Lead Like Jesus Revisited. On page 63 there’s a chart which details the signs and consequences of Edging God Out (the bad ego). And on page 82 there’s a chart with the details of what it looks like if you Exhalt God Only (the good ego).
Reach out to us – Robert . Lori @ LeadershipCouples.com – we’d love to to come and do a Lead LIke Jesus Encounter with you and your friends/family/church group, with Robert as your facilitator. As you might realize, our sweet spot is working with husbands and wives… imagine what a weekend retreat would feel like if you were together with your couple friends – learning, growing, and enriching your marriages!
Communication is important. Words matter, but so does tone, and intent. How do you marry words, tone, and intent to support fun communication? Use the values you and your spouse live!
What values are you holding high when you communicate with your spouse? And how does it affect your family? Stop with the overwhelming seriousness, and choose to live with a bit of fun communication.
When your spouse calls on the telephone, how do you respond? What about when you first see your spouse – in the morning, at supper, or after a business trip? How does your spouse – and your family – know what’s behind your words?
What’s behind the words?
Forget the specific words. What emotion or feeling is behind them? Are you anxious and annoyed, or enthusiastic and excited? Are you serious – or do you sound bored?
The shift to misunderstanding is subtle and often happens without us even noticing, especially if we’re not deliberate in our values, and in living our values as husband and wife.
Maybe we disagreed on what to eat for dinner or what restaurant to visit. Oh, well.
Someone forgot to pick up milk and bread. Suggest eating cake!
Maybe your spouse overlooked an important event for a family member. Invent a new event!
Or worse yet, forgot your birthday or anniversary. Make it a month-long celebration.
These are not critical or life threatening issues. It’s just part of everyday living. Not-so-nice things happen. How we respond is where the rubber meets the road.
Respond to issues with your values in mind. Especially those which promote fun communication.
When you’re choosing your values – keep communication in mind.
Lori and I have chosen three differentiating values by which to live our lives. They’re Loyalty – Optimism – Discovery.
The value which has the greatest impact on our communication is optimism. In the ebook we wrote together, “Discover Your Differentiating Values – a Guide and Workbook for Couples”, there’s a section at the back we call our personal manifesto on the values we live. Here’s part of what we say about Optimism, and how we choose to live it.
On Optimism: When a decision in word or deed is necessary, we work to be optimistic regardless of the price. Not all of life is positive. (I’m sure that doesn’t come as a surprise to you, does it?) Some stuff that happens can be really lousy and decisions from these lousy situations are a grouping of highly priced options – there’s no clear winner. Regardless of the price which comes from the decision we make – we will frame it in our hearts, words, and memories in a positive light. Even if the only positive we can find is deciding we learned something.
I’m sure there are those who find our deliberate optimism disingenuous. Or annoying. But it’s a value-choice we’ve made for our life and we strive to live it. Choosing to be optimistic has brought us much joy, even in the face of what others would name as disaster.
We’re optimistic when we speak with others when we speak with each other, and we try to be optimistic even in prayer. Does it come naturally? No. But it’s worth it!
What other values would support great communication?
Consider these values if you’re building a great way to communicate:
Not surprisingly, couples who embrace the value of cheerfulness possess something extra to deal with the normal challenges of life – especially when communicating.
Cheerfulness means noticeably happy and optimistic; bright and pleasant.
Some may view this as a Pollyanna principle and fake. Those individuals don’t understand the power of this value. We all live through times of adversity, hardships, and challenges. And when they occur, they can affect us physically, mentally, emotionally and/or spiritually.
A cheerful spouse can remind us that we don’t have to face problems alone. And our cheerful husband/wife can give us a different perspective that leads us to see the positives in every challenge.
Will being cheerful always be easy? No.
Attitude is a Choice.
If our attitude, like the values we live by, is under our control, why not pick good ones?
Far too often we take ourselves too seriously, and everything we go through can appear a life or death situation. Lighten up! What if we burn the toast, or dent the car, or fail to remember to pick up the dry-cleaning. Life is not over as you know it!
How much of our life is really that serious?
Being cheerful can help us put everything back into perspective.
However, I must acknowledge – there are limits. As Lori often reminds me: no singing in the morning!
How can the value of cheerfulness benefit your marriage?
Camaraderie is natural when a couple starts their married life. Life’s an adventure – everything is new and shiny. Normal life seems a bit brighter because you’re sharing it with someone you love.
Do you remember your first few months of marriage?
Some people have their most challenging moments within those first twelve months – others still have a glow for a year or two, before some jarring discomfort sets in.
In every case, keeping the value of camaraderie alive will spark your marriage all through that first year, that first decade and all the way to a half century and more!
Don’t let your sense of camaraderie fade!
Camaraderie is a value with a few nuances – one of them is the introduction of closeness… And it’s the deliberate pursuit of closeness which will keep the camaraderie in the relationship strong.
Camaraderie means a spirit of familiarity and closeness; chumminess.
Consider the importance of closeness.
Closeness means familiarity; a feeling of being intimate and belonging together.
This closeness is at the heart of a strong marriage. While I know some will zero in on the part of ‘being intimate’ – and that is important – I encourage you not to lose sight of the last part:
– ‘belonging together.’
It’s about being friendly – to each other. (What a concept, huh? Being friends with your spouse!)
Here are eight ways to promote the value of camaraderie to enhance your marriage:
1) Develop a shared vision or purpose for your life. Nothing fosters camaraderie like a common goal and a reason to collaborate together. Often a vision comes from knowing your shared values as a couple.
2) Make time for quality time. Sitting watching TV together doesn’t count. What are you planning and how are your being purposeful for your time together? (Maybe this is where a regular date-night comes in?)
3) Face-to-face communication. This is the best way to tackle issues together and brainstorm in an open, respectful environment. You’ll also feel progress as you build off of each other’s ideas. If you find communicating with your spouse difficult (and who doesn’t at certain points in a marriage), then I recommend a fellow blogger’s website – Brian is a counselor on the front lines, helping people build, improve and restore their marriages.
4) Allow for independence. Camaraderie happens when two accomplished people join forces. As in every team sport, players have certain strengths. They all practice their strengths independently, yet come together to make a strong team. It’s no different in marriage.
5) Break bread together. Yes, sharing a meal is a great catalyst for building camaraderie. And it often includes laughter, the sharing of stories, or even just peaceful moments together with no expectations. Stop eating on-the-go, or in front of the TV – sit down at a fully-dressed dining table, or at a picnic table in a park, or a spot you found when you were dating… face each other, and experience life together as you eat.
6) Regular meetings. Check in with each other – at least weekly – to be sure you and your spouse are aligned. Never assume! Be clear and deliberate with about activities, potential issues, and preferred outcomes. The busier your schedule, the more important this time becomes. Use your shared values to make decisions. Those shared values in a husband and wife team are like signposts along the way. It’s easier to say “no” or “yes” if you know your shared values as a couple! (click here to learn how to discover your own shared values in marriage)
7) Help out when needed. While you respect the independence of your spouse, camaraderie is built when you respond to a need, shore up a weakness, or when you stand beside each other in success and failure. No special recognition is needed – you’re a team.
8) Encourage your spouse. Often what is needed most to feel close, to feel familiar with each other, and intimate, is encouragement. Use all five ways to encourage your spouse.
Making your spouse, your friend – Using the Value of Camaraderie
The rewards of fostering camaraderie are significant. You’ll not only enjoy the satisfaction of being part of a successful team, you’ll have a lifelong friend.
Want to know more about that good Ego?
Lori and I have chosen three differentiating values by which to live our lives. They’re Loyalty – Optimism – Discovery. 
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